


To Live Together in the Kind of World Where We Belong

by Thats_Amore



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 1990s and 2000s, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biphobia, Bisexuality, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Christianity, Closeted Character, Coming Out, Consensual Underage Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Found Family, Homophobia, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Racism, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbophobia, M/M, Minor Belarus/Liechtenstein, Minor England/France (Hetalia), Minor Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Minor Hungary/Prussia (Hetalia), Minor Lithuania/Poland (Hetalia), Minor Romano/Various Girls, Minor Taiwan/Vietnam, Nonbinary Poland (Hetalia), Original Human Characters - Freeform, POV America (Hetalia), Platonic AmeBel, References to Conversion Therapy, Religious Guilt, Sexual Harrassment, Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:14:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 47,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26212492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thats_Amore/pseuds/Thats_Amore
Summary: Alfred decides he wants to marry his best friend Lovino on his sixth birthday. He spends a lot of time waiting for the rest of the world, especially his parents, to get with the program.
Relationships: America/South Italy (Hetalia), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 53





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place in roughly the time I grew up, from about 1995 to 2011. I set it in the past to write about how certain social attitudes (primarily homophobia) would have affected someone like Alfred growing up in that era. If any of the references seem dated, that is why.
> 
> The underage sex occurs after Alfred and Lovino are at least 16, and it is only briefly depicted.
> 
> The title is taken from lyrics in the song "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by The Beach Boys.

Alfred F. Jones is a lot of things: gifted baseball player, space nerd extraordinaire, hamburger enthusiast, an optimistic and idealistic extrovert, and best friends with Lovino Vargas since they met during recess on their first day of kindergarten. The one thing he has never been, to the unending disappointment of his conservative, Bible-thumping Christian parents, is straight.

His story began a few feet away from the jungle gym at Golden Oak Elementary. Some older children were bullying Alfred’s twin Matthew and demanding he hand over lunch money he didn’t have (their mother had packed them a school lunch, which was typical for them). Matthew was kind and shier than his boisterous sibling, so he was more likely to be targeted by bullies. Alfred had protected Matthew a few times before from bullies in pre-K, and he ran over, ready to deliver his own brand of heroic justice to save his twin. He was surprised when a boy with wavy brown hair and sharp hazel eyes rushed over to the scene before he could. He looked to be about Alfred and Matthew’s age, but he hadn’t been one of the boys in their kindergarten class. Alfred would have remembered him. Even when he was scowling, the mysterious boy was prettier than any of the princesses he had seen in any of the Disney movies Alfred had watched. He was prettier than Snow White, and she was supposed to be the fairest one in all the land.

“What the fuck is wrong with you stronzos?!” the stranger demanded, speaking in a foreign accent Alfred couldn’t place. “Didn’t your mothers ever tell you to go pick on someone your own size?!”

The largest bully scoffed. “Beat it, kid. This doesn’t concern you.”

“The hell it doesn’t! If I don’t stop this now, the next thing I know, you’ll be picking on my fratellino too!”

The bully shoved at the heroic stranger, and the stranger shoved right back, calling him a “bastardo.” (Alfred was pretty sure that was similar to one of those naughty words his parents had taught him he wasn’t supposed to say.) His cronies advanced closer to Matthew and his rescuer, and both of them looked intimidated. The stranger was smaller than both Alfred and Matthew, and the bullies might have been third or fourth graders judging by the size of them.

Alfred imitated a Tarzan yell and barreled into the nearest bully, knocking him flat on the ground. Everyone else stood still, baffled by what Alfred had done. The noise finally attracted the attention of a teacher, who pulled Alfred away before he could wail on the bullies to protect his twin (and to impress the awesome boy who had tried to intervene on Matthew’s behalf).

The teacher quickly got the story out of the children, and the third graders were escorted to the principal’s office. Alfred and the boy he had just met were put together in timeout for the remainder of recess. They were supposed to sit silently and think about their choices, because according to the teacher, it was wrong to hit people and wrong to use cuss words even if you were trying to defend someone. Matthew gazed at them sadly as the teacher led them away, indicating that he didn’t agree with her decision. Alfred didn’t either.

Alfred waited until the teacher was distracted to whisper to his new compatriot. “My name’s Alfred. What’s yours?”

The boy cast a wary glance at the teacher before turning to look back at Alfred. “Lovino.”

“Lo-vi-no,” Alfred sounded out slowly. It wasn’t a name he’d ever heard of before. “I like it. Your name’s cool, just like you are.”

Lovino’s face turned red, and he tried to hide it by ducking his head. “Grazie. You, um, you’re not so bad yourself, you know.”

Alfred grinned brightly at him. Lovino’s blushing made his stomach feel fluttery, but in a nice way, not like that time he’d been on the Tilt-a-Whirl and gotten sick from eating too much cotton candy. “Wanna be best friends, Lovino?”

Lovino nodded, and for the first time since they’d met, a smile broke out onto his face, which made him prettier than Snow White and Princess Jasmine _combined_. “I think I’d really like that.”

You were supposed to share with your friends. That was something Alfred had learned in pre-K, from his parents, and from Pastor Tim. Alfred fidgeted around, wishing he had something to give Lovino. It was too bad that he’d had lunch before recess.

“Tomorrow, I’m gonna ask my mom to pack an extra juice box for you,” Alfred decided.

“I’ll make sure my mom packs extra pignoli for you,” Lovino promised. When Lovino explained that pignoli was a type of cookie, Alfred was very enthusiastic about it.

That afternoon, he told his mom all about the amazing new friend he had made, and he repeated the story at dinner for his father. His parents glanced at each other in amusement when Alfred said Lovino was just as heroic as Captain America, but the clatter of silverware covered up his uncharacteristically quiet confession that Lovino was the prettiest person he’d ever seen. Consequently, they believed his feelings towards Lovino were nothing more than childish hero worship that would die down soon enough, and they had no idea of how their friendship would develop into something else in the months and years that followed.

* * *

Over the next several months, Alfred got to know Lovino better. He learned that Lovino and his family had recently immigrated from Italy, and that he had a brother who was a couple years younger than him. Their parents arranged playdates for Matthew, Alfred, and Lovino, and Lovino’s little brother Feliciano tagged along. Feliciano often brought along a friend he had met in daycare, Ludwig, who was an oddly serious four-year-old. Given the tragic car accident a year ago that had left him in the care of his much older brother Gilbert, Ludwig’s serious nature was understandable. Gilbert was only twenty, but he was an excellent guardian under difficult circumstances, or at least that was what his mom told his father when explaining the situation. Grown up conversations were boring to Alfred, who would rather daydream about cowboys and superheroes or do fun things with his friends.

When Lovino had his birthday in the spring, Alfred bought him a Hot Wheels racetrack using the allowance he’d been saving up for months and gave him a homemade card. That summer, on Alfred’s birthday, Lovino reciprocated with Marvel action figures that helped complete Alfred’s collection and a homemade card of his own (with much better art skills than Alfred could manage). Lovino’s present was heartfelt, and Alfred was immensely grateful for it (enough to practically tackle his best friend with the force of his hug), but the present wasn’t what lingered when he remembered that birthday in the years to come. Nor was it the pool party, the ice cream cake, or the fact that he was allowed to stay up late enough to watch the fireworks, since his birthday also happened to be on July 4th.

At the end of that night, Lovino had kissed him on the cheek for the very first time. Alfred had frozen. He was shocked by the gesture, as innocent as it was. Alfred’s father raised a confused eyebrow, and his mother looked worried.

Lovino repeated the gesture on the other cheek and then stepped back. He glanced at the ground and fidgeted with his hands awkwardly. “Th-that’s how we say goodbye to best friends where I’m from.”

Over the heads of the two children, Lovino’s parents nodded reassuringly at Alfred’s mother and father, who both adopted relieved expressions. It was just a minor cultural difference, nothing for them to be concerned about.

Alfred’s grin was blinding. “Can I say goodbye to you too?”

Lovino nodded, and Alfred stepped in to kiss him on both cheeks. By the time he pulled away, both boys were blushing, but the adults couldn’t see that in the darkness. Matthew did, but he didn’t think anything of it, and the small smile on his face gave nothing away.

Shortly after Lovino and his family left, Alfred’s mother put the twins to bed, guiding the boys through their evening prayers before she tucked them in. As soon as the door shut behind them, Alfred opened his eyes and grinned at the ceiling as he held onto his favorite stuffed animal, a bald eagle he had named Ace.

Matthew giggled softly and turned over to face Alfred, arm still wrapped around his stuffed polar bear. “You really like Lovino, don’t you?”

Alfred was squirming like he was trying not to yell in excitement. “I really do,” he whispered. He rolled over onto his side so he could view his twin, who was in another bed only a few feet away from him. “I’m gonna marry him when I grow up. Then we’ll get to live in the same house and spend every day together.” That sounded perfect to Alfred.

Matthew nodded and let out a yawn. “Will I get to live in the house next door?”

“Of course. And Feli and Ludwig will live on the other side.”

“Sounds good. Maybe if you pray hard enough, it’ll come true.” Alfred and Matthew had both been taught that God answered prayers and would bring them what they needed if it was in accordance with His plan. He loved all His children, and He wanted them to be happy.

Nothing would make Alfred happier than spending the rest of his life with his best friend, so he didn’t see why that wouldn’t be in God’s plan for him.

“Maybe. Night, Mattie.”

“Goodnight, Al. Sweet dreams.”

* * *

Half a year later, rain gently hit the roof of the Vargas family home, making a rhythmic tapping noise. The view of the backyard was blurred from the water, but anyone could see that the sky was gray and the grass looked greener in contrast. The downpour prevented the children from playing outside.

Feliciano sighed forlornly as he looked out the window. “I’m bored.”

Lovino rolled his eyes at his little brother. “We’re all bored, Feli.”

“Do you want to play another game?” Antonio asked. “I think we have Parcheesi up in the attic.” Antonio was Feliciano and Lovino’s teenaged cousin, and he lived down the street from them. Lovino’s parents had trusted Antonio to watch their two older sons while they took the youngest boy, Marcello, to a checkup with his pediatrician. Marcello had been born only a couple months ago.

Lovino shrugged and leaned against Alfred. Alfred smiled and let his legs swing back and forth against the edge of the couch they were sitting on. He always felt a little giddy around Lovino, especially when he leaned against him, kissed him goodbye or hello on the cheek, hugged him, or held his hand while they walked somewhere. Alfred didn’t question that feeling, assuming that was how everyone felt around their best friend.

“Maybe we could play wedding,” Matthew said quietly. When they were all together, they often orchestrated fake weddings, with Feliciano as the bride and Ludwig as the groom. Lovino was always Feliciano’s maid of honor, and Alfred or Matthew would trade roles as the minister or Ludwig’s best man. But Gilbert had taken Ludwig on vacation to visit some aunts and uncles in Germany, so he obviously couldn’t be the groom this time.

Feliciano looked thoughtful. “Ve, I’m not sure if I want to marry anyone but Luddy.” Well, so much for that idea.

“Maybe someone else could be the bride this time,” Antonio suggested. “Lovi could be the groom since he has that tux he wore for Marcello’s baptism.”

Matthew and Alfred glanced at each other, since obviously Lovino couldn’t marry his brother or his cousin, even in a game of pretend. Matthew nodded at him encouragingly, and Alfred turned to Lovino with a winning smile.

“I’ll be the bride. That is, if you’ll have me.”

Lovino huffed, face turning as red as the cherry tomatoes he liked to snack on. “Of course I’ll have you, idiota.” Antonio let out a chortling laugh and remarked on how _precioso_ his cousin was, which only made Lovino’s blush darken with embarrassment. Alfred’s grin broadened, and privately, he had to agree with Antonio.

Feliciano giggled. “I’ll be Lovi’s best man, and Mattie can be the maid of honor! Now we just need to figure out who the priest will be.”

Antonio ruffled Feliciano’s hair affectionately. “I can be the priest. It’ll be just like Carmen’s wedding. But first, we have to help the bride and the groom get ready.”

Lovino left with a skipping Feliciano at his heels to change into the tux he’d worn to his baby brother’s christening ceremony. Since the Vargas family had no daughters, there were no dresses Alfred could have fit into. Antonio and Matthew helped him tie a white, daisy patterned bedsheet like a makeshift toga Halloween costume, and he wore a matching pillowcase instead of a veil.

Matthew grinned at his brother. “You make a beautiful bride, Al. All we need is a bouquet and the rings.”

“There’s a package of Ring Pops in the pantry,” Antonio said. “I’ll get one for you and Lovi.”

He started to leave the hallway, and Alfred called after him. “Make sure to get a strawberry one for Lovi! Strawberry is his favorite!”

Antonio laughed as he continued downstairs. “You’ll make a good esposo someday,” he remarked. Matthew dashed off to see what he could do about the flower situation.

A few minutes later, Alfred was walking down the aisle holding an African violet that Antonio had found on the kitchen windowsill. Yet the moment Alfred walked down the “aisle” (really just a cleared pathway in the living room) towards Lovino, he wasn’t thinking about plants, rings, or his makeshift wedding dress. All he could think about was the wide-eyed groom who was nervously adjusting his bowtie and shuffling in his black patent leather shoes in front of the fireplace. Lovino was downright adorable, and Alfred had no clue how he was supposed to wait to kiss his groom until the _end_ of the ceremony.

Antonio hummed a song that wasn’t the wedding march Alfred heard most often on TV, but was a song he vaguely recognized from somewhere. Antonio only stopped humming when Alfred stepped in front of his groom.

Alfred set down the potted plant on the hearth and took hold of Lovino’s hands (which were surprisingly clammy). “You look very handsome,” Alfred told Lovino quietly.

Lovino gulped, gave Alfred a shaky smile, and squeezed his hands. “You too, tesoro.” Alfred bounced on his feet, barely resisting the urge to squeal.

“Shall we begin?” Antonio asked. Alfred and Lovino broke their gaze long enough to nod at him, and Antonio smiled radiantly at them before he began to speak. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Lovino Vargas and Alfred F. Jones in holy matrimony.”

The rest of the ceremony passed in a blur. It seemed to take longer than the ceremonies Alfred had seen on television, and there were a few parts that weren’t familiar (like Lovino yanking him down to kneel in front of an imaginary altar at one point), but much of it was the same. When it was time for the vows, Lovino ran his thumbs along the side of Alfred’s hands, and a moment later, Alfred looked straight into Lovino’s eyes and repeated the words Lovino had just spoken. They exchanged wedding rings (strawberry for Lovino, and blue raspberry for Alfred), and Alfred giggled when Lovino put the Ring Pop on his finger. He couldn’t remember feeling this ecstatic before.

Everyone was so caught up in the festivities that they didn’t hear the car pulling up outside as Antonio concluded the ceremony and told Lovino that he could kiss his bride.

“Finally,” Alfred muttered under his breath. Lovino smirked, and Matthew chuckled from his spot next to his twin.

With a serious, determined expression on his face, Lovino started to lean in. Alfred closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly to the left. His heart was hammering loudly in anticipation.

When Lovino’s lips brushed gently over his, Alfred’s entire being jolted with more exhilaration than he had ever experienced. A warm glow suffused his heart, and Alfred clumsily, eagerly pressed his lips back against his best friend’s.

For approximately two seconds, the two young boys kissed without interruption. But then a jangling set of keys unlocked the front door, and the moment of blissful innocence was shattered by the angry voice of Lovino’s father.

“Che cazzo?! What in the name of God are you doing, Lovino?!”

Lovino abruptly broke the kiss and turned to face his parents with a panicked look in his eyes. Before he could stutter his way through an explanation, Feliciano cheerfully spoke up.

“Lovino and Alfred just got married!”

Lovino’s father crossed his arms over his chest and leveled both of them with a glare that made the bride and groom, who weren’t even seven years old, feel smaller than they already were. His mother’s mouth was drawn into a thin, tight line. Tears sprang to Lovino’s eyes, and Alfred flung his arms around his friend’s neck, confused and scared about what was going on.

Antonio let out a deep, weary sigh. “They were just playing a game, tío.” He sounded scared too, but he didn’t seem as confused as Alfred felt.

“It’s not a game Lovino will be playing under my roof.” Antonio’s father pointed to the staircase. “Upstairs, young man. Right now.”

Lovino nodded and shot Alfred a guilty glance as he pulled away from Alfred’s embrace. Alfred watched as his friend scurried away from him, gaze focused on his shoes as his father trailed close behind him up the staircase. Feliciano started blubbering, and his mom sat down next to him on the couch. Alfred bit down hard on his lower lip to stifle a sob. He felt lonely without Lovino, and he felt terrified for reasons he didn’t fully understand.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Vargas,” Alfred said. “I don’t know what I did wrong, but I’m really sorry.”

Lovino’s mom glanced up at Alfred. She seemed annoyed by the fact that he was still there.

“Just get out of that bedsheet. I’ll call your mother, and she’ll be by in a few minutes. It’s her job to explain things to you.”

Matthew grabbed Alfred’s arm and quickly pulled him out of the living room. They went back to the hallway where the linen closet was, and they could hear the sound of Lovino’s father berating him in Italian.

Matthew helped him take off the bedsheet, and Alfred pulled off the pillowcase. “I hope Lovino’s gonna be okay.”

“Me too.” He couldn’t understand what Lovino’s father was saying to him, but he sounded furious. If a kid at school had spoken to Lovino that way, Alfred would have run over to protect his best friend, but he didn’t know how to protect Lovino from an adult, much less his own dad. And even though Alfred didn’t understand why Lovino’s parents were so upset, he knew that intervening would only make things more difficult for him.

Matthew and Alfred refolded the bedsheet and the pillowcase as neatly as they could before they returned them to the linen closet. Alfred fiddled with his Ring Pop, but ultimately decided not to take it off yet. His wedding ring felt like a promise, even if it was made of plastic and hard candy, and Alfred was going to hold onto his for as long as he was allowed to.

The twins returned downstairs, where Lovino’s mother was hissing out a lecture to Antonio.

“I expected you to watch over my children and keep them out of trouble, Antonio. But instead, you’ve confused Lovino and led him astray by allowing him to play a game like that with another boy.”

Antonio frowned. “I don’t mean to disrespect you or Uncle Angelo, but that’s not what happened. I was only giving Lovinito permission to be himself.”

“This is my fault,” Matthew murmured. “I thought we could play wedding today, since it was raining outside.”

“It’s my fault, too,” Alfred whispered in response. “I volunteered to play the bride.” Worse, he had _enjoyed_ pretending to be Lovino’s bride. That hadn’t seemed wrong before, but in the face of Mr. and Mrs. Vargas’s disapproval, Alfred felt sick with remorse.

The conversation continued, and Lovino and Feli’s mom was too focused on chastising Antonio for being “irresponsible” to notice what Alfred and Matthew had been whispering about. The twins sat down on the couch next to Feliciano, who was still sniffling.

“Does this mean I can’t play wedding with Luddy anymore either?” Feliciano asked, loud enough that his mother paused in the middle of a sentence. She turned to him with a dismayed expression, and suddenly Alfred realized something. In all the times they had played wedding before, they had always done it at Ludwig’s house or while Antonio was watching them. They had never played that game in the presence of Lovino and Feliciano’s parents, and they would have never been allowed to.

Mrs. Vargas schooled her expression. “No,” she said calmly. “You won’t be allowed to pretend to marry another boy anymore. It’s for your own good.”

She didn’t even flinch as Feliciano burst into tears, and Alfred wondered how forbidding Feli from playing that game could possibly be for his own good. Right now, Feliciano was miserable, possibly for the same reason Alfred was. Maybe he had felt as happy pretending to marry Ludwig as Alfred had felt when he was pretending to marry Lovino. Maybe it wasn’t just a silly game to him either.

Lovino stomped downstairs, and Alfred caught a swirling mixture of rage and depression in his eyes before he sat down in an armchair, so far away that he was practically across the room from the others. Alfred wanted desperately to hold Lovino’s hand and ask what was wrong like he would have before today, but Mr. Vargas was hovering over Lovino and watching his every move. Alfred didn’t want to make his friend’s situation worse than it already was.

Alfred glanced at Lovino’s hands and didn’t see the Ring Pop anywhere. He doubted Lovino could have eaten the candy in the short amount of time since he’d been asked to change. His father had probably made Lovino throw his ring away. Alfred felt more heartbroken than he should have over a cheap piece of plastic. That had been the wedding ring Alfred put on his finger.

Mrs. Vargas explained that Lovino was not the only one who had been playing wedding with another boy. Feliciano had done it with his friend Ludwig, and it sounded like it happened more than once.

“Gesù Cristo.” Mr. Vargas ran a hand through his hair. “I’m assuming you knew about this, Tonio?”

Antonio nodded, and there was a spark of defiance in his eyes. He didn’t seem sorry. “I didn’t see anything wrong in letting Feli play with his friend like that. They were having fun, and it wasn’t harming them in any way.”

“I’m extremely disappointed in you, Antonio. Clearly, you aren’t as mature as I thought you were. I will be telling your mother and father about this.”

Antonio shrugged, affecting an air of nonchalance. “Go right ahead.”

“In the meantime, I don’t think you should be left to watch the boys alone anymore.”

He nodded, tacitly accepting Mr. Vargas’s decision (not that he had much choice in the matter). He left the house, but not before mouthing the words “lo siento.” He was clearly directing his apology at the children, not either of the adults in the room.

After Antonio left, Mrs. Vargas put the baby Marcello down for a nap and slipped into the kitchen to call Alfred and Matthew’s mother. Mr. Vargas unsympathetically told Feliciano to “quit wailing for no reason,” and Feli clenched his mouth shut and wiped at his face before he managed to calm down a little. Feli was trembling with the effort it took not to weep, and Lovino’s hands curled into fists. He seemed like he wanted to punch something, but he could hardly punch his own father.

Several minutes of painfully awkward silence later, Alfred and Matthew’s mother came to collect her children. She exchanged a few quiet words with Mrs. Vargas, and then she drove them back home. On the drive home, neither Matthew nor Alfred had the courage to ask her why Lovino and Feliciano’s parents had reacted so harshly to seeing Lovino and Alfred pretending to be a bride and groom.

When they got home, Alfred and Matthew’s mother pulled them into the kitchen and sat across the table from them. Alfred finally burst out with the question that had been bothering him ever since Mr. and Mrs. Vargas returned from the pediatrician’s office.

“Do Lovi’s mom and dad hate me?” It felt like they did. It hadn’t escaped Alfred’s notice that they no longer seemed to trust Alfred around Lovino or his little brothers.

Alfred’s mom sighed. “No, dear. They’re just upset with what they saw today.”

“I don’t get it,” Matthew said. “What was wrong with what they saw?”

Alfred and Matthew’s mom explained to them that it was wrong for boys to kiss other boys. It was against God’s plan for humanity. God didn’t intend for boys to kiss other boys, and He certainly didn’t intend for boys to wear dresses or to “marry” other boys, even if it was just part of a game. When they grew up, Alfred and Matthew would be expected to marry girls. Homosexuality was a grave moral illness, and people who acted upon illicit desires for their own sex faced eternal damnation in the afterlife.

Alfred felt a pit of dread form in his stomach. He had heard Pastor Tim talking about the fires of hell on Sunday mornings, and he knew he didn’t want to go there after he died. He wanted to be up in heaven with Jesus, the apostles, and all the great-grandparents he had never met. The last thing he wanted was for Lovino to suffer forever with him. But he couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else. He had been worrying about Lovino’s parents hating him, but now it felt like God hated him too.

“Lovino isn’t a girl,” Alfred said fearfully. Matthew squeezed his twin’s hand under the table.

Their mother nodded. “That’s right.”

“You said Dad was your best friend, and that’s why you married him. Lovino’s my best friend.”

“Your father is a… special kind of best friend to me. I have romantic feelings for him that I’ve never had for anyone else. Right now, you’re too young to understand what that means. You’ll have romantic feelings for girls once you get older.”

Alfred nodded like what she said made sense to him, even though it didn’t. He didn’t tell her about the funny fluttering sensation he sometimes got in his stomach around Lovino, and he didn’t tell her about the euphoria he’d felt during their pretend wedding. He instinctively knew nothing good would come from being too candid with his mother.

Alfred’s mother asked him some more questions, probing as to why he had acted in the female role during the wedding. Alfred answered truthfully that he had only done so because a wedding required a bride and a groom and because Lovino had a special tuxedo from Marcello’s recent christening. He had no desire to wear dresses, and now that he knew it could lead to his damnation, he wouldn’t do it again, even as part of a game.

He lied to his mother, claiming that he had never thought of marrying Lovino before that day and that he didn’t want to marry him anymore now that he knew it wasn’t okay. He had only gotten confused because of the game and because of what his mom had said about marrying her best friend. He wouldn’t kiss Lovino again, and he wouldn’t play that game with him or any other boy.

“Am I going to hell?” Alfred asked. “I didn’t even know what I was doing!”

“You’re not going to hell,” their mother reassured them. “You just need to pray for forgiveness for what happened today, and God will grant you love and mercy.” She told Matthew he also needed to pray for forgiveness, since he had participated in the immoral union of Alfred and Lovino. She glanced critically at Alfred’s hand and made him hand over his Ring Pop, which was symbolic of a false, ungodly union. Alfred felt unaccountably dejected when he saw the Ring Pop tossed into the garbage can, but he hid that in front of his mother.

Alfred and Lovino rushed off to their bedroom to go pray before their father returned home in time for dinner. They kneeled by their beds, and Alfred stayed there longer, tears slipping down his cheeks as he silently begged forgiveness for what he had done and for the lies he had told his mother. He also pleaded for God to make him want to marry a girl when he was older.

When Alfred was done, he turned to look at his brother, who had crouched down next to him. “I was happy when I married Lovino today,” he confessed, voice barely above a whisper. “And I really liked kissing him.”

Matthew put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I know. I could tell.”

Alfred teared up. “Why would God make me like something that would send me to hell? I don’t understand.”

Matthew pulled him into a hug. “Oh, Al. I’m so sorry.”

Alfred clutched at Matthew desperately, feeling like his twin was his only anchor in a world that no longer made sense. “What if I don’t like girls when I’m older? What if I only like Lovino? What am I gonna do?”

“I guess you’ll just have to hope you fall in love with a girl someday. And if you don’t, definitely don’t tell Mom and Dad.”

Alfred laughed weakly. “That’s the last thing I’ll ever do.” At the moment, he was planning to bury these feelings as deeply as he could. Matthew was the only person he could trust with the truth. He couldn’t even tell Lovino, for fear of condemning him too.

When they ate dinner together that night, their father didn’t bring up what had happened earlier that day, but he had obviously been told. He kept watching Alfred while he ate as if he could see evidence of his sickness in the way he held his fork. Alfred didn’t have much of an appetite, but he ate a full meal like he normally would. He didn’t need to arouse more suspicion than he already had by kissing Lovino on the mouth earlier that day.

He went through his typical bedtime routine, including his evening prayers. Before he crawled into bed, Alfred once again silently asked God to make him have “romantic feelings” for a girl when he was older.

Matthew fell asleep first, and Alfred stayed awake for a long time, clutching Ace to his chest and hoping against hope that his prayers would not go unanswered.


	2. Chapter 2

The next couple of weeks were torture for Alfred. Lovino and Alfred were permitted to see each other, but all the casually affectionate gestures he had grown to depend on had ceased entirely. No more handholding, leaning against each other, hugs, or cheek kisses. Alfred missed what they used to have, and Lovino looked like he did too. But whenever they were around their parents, they felt scrutinized, and all the simple ways they used to show affection felt heavy with implications they didn’t want. Lovino wasn’t brave enough to show affection when their parents weren’t around either.

Eventually, Ludwig and Gilbert returned from their trip to Germany. Feliciano, who hadn’t been the subject of as much scrutiny as his older brother, flung his arms around his friend the first time he saw him at Rosewood Park without thinking about it. Gilbert laughed as his flustered little brother hesitated before returning the embrace. If he noticed the way Mrs. Vargas stiffened upon seeing her son hug his friend, he didn’t comment on it.

A few pleasantries were exchanged between Gilbert and Lovino and Alfred’s mothers, and then Gilbert agreed to watch the children for a while. Ludwig had missed all of his friends, and it would give him a chance to catch up with them.

They continued in the park for about an hour before the moms left and Gilbert took the kids back to his apartment. On the way, Gilbert kept up a lively stream of chatter about their trip to Germany. Feliciano held Ludwig’s hand, as was custom, and Alfred darted furtive glances at Lovino’s hand, wishing he could hold his best friend’s hand the way he used to. Matthew bumped elbows with him, knowing what Alfred was thinking.

When they got to the apartment, Gilbert and Ludwig showed the others photographs and souvenirs from their time in Germany. Feliciano hung onto Ludwig’s every word, and the others were interested to smaller degrees.

After showing all the photographs and souvenirs, Gilbert asked the kids what they’d like to do now. A somber look suddenly appeared on Feliciano’s face as he looked between Gilbert and Ludwig before finally directing his gaze towards the floorboards.

“Feli, what’s wrong?” Ludwig had a concerned look on his face as he stepped closer to Feliciano, and Feliciano’s lip trembled as he tried not to break down in tears. Gilbert crouched down in front of Feliciano too.

Lovino sighed, and there was an irritated, resigned look on his face. “I’m guessing she wanted Feli to tell you guys he isn’t allowed to play wedding with Ludwig anymore.”

“Mommy told me it was unnatural for two boys to play like that. That what we were acting out was sinful and wrong.”

Alfred wanted to curl up in a little ball and die when he heard those words coming from Feliciano’s mouth. They had originally been something Mrs. Vargas had said, but they felt targeted at him too. When he glanced over at Lovino, he also looked pained from the cruel words his brother had repeated, which were probably similar to what his father had said after he caught him kissing Alfred that day.

Ludwig flinched like he had been slapped, but he managed to reply. “I don’t understand, but I’ll follow her rules. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” Ludwig was obviously hurt that their game had been deemed sinful, and he didn’t do a very good job of hiding it.

“I don’t understand it either,” Feli admitted. “But her and Daddy got really mad when they caught Al and Lovi playing wedding while you and Gil were away. It was so sweet. They had rings and everything! But now they’ll never get to play wedding again. They don’t even get to hug anymore, and it makes me really sad.”

“Really? They don’t let Alfred and Lovino hug anymore? That’s insane.” Alfred could feel Gilbert looking at him, and he knew it wasn’t the suspicious way Lovino’s parents and his own mom and dad had been looking at him lately, but he was still too ashamed to meet Gilbert’s eyes.

Matthew spoke for him. “Our parents didn’t say they weren’t allowed to, but it was kind of implied. Every time they’re around each other, they feel stared at. Judged.”

“They think I’m an abomination every time I breathe in the same room as Alfredo,” Lovino snarled. Alfred didn’t know what an abomination was, but he felt the same simmering frustration Lovino did. His parents kept watching him, searching him for signs to see if he would grow up to be a sinner destined to go to hell. Living under that kind of surveillance was exhausting.

“Scheisse. This is so fucked up. You shouldn’t say stuff like that to anyone, especially little kids. It can really mess with their self-worth.”

Alfred squirmed uncomfortably. “Do you think I’ll go to hell when I die? My mom made me pray for forgiveness after we got home. She said it wasn’t in God’s plan for me to kiss Lovino the way I did.” Alfred had prayed every night, but so far, his prayers had gone unanswered. He didn’t have special romantic feelings for any girls, and he couldn’t stop remembering how blissful he had felt kissing his best friend. He wished that first kiss hadn’t ended so abruptly, and even with the threat of God’s divine punishment hanging over his head, part of Alfred wanted to kiss Lovino again.

Gilbert had a sad look on his face as he left Feliciano and his little brother and held open his arms for Alfred. “It’s okay. Come here, little buddy.”

Alfred gratefully accepted the hug. He clung to Gilbert, feeling more acceptance than he had in a while. Since the incident, he had only received this kind of affection from his twin brother. Alfred’s parents had hugged him, but it no longer felt the same with such enormous lies standing in between them. Alfred hadn’t told Gilbert everything, but he felt like Gil understood even without an explanation.

“You’re not going to hell. There’s nothing wrong with you, Al.” Alfred nodded weakly, and then Gilbert left to quickly hug Lovino and Feliciano and to ruffle Ludwig’s hair. “There’s nothing wrong with _any_ of you.” He glanced over at Matthew, including him in the message as well. Lovino and Feliciano were visibly relieved, and Ludwig was attempting to fix his messy hair, but there was a content expression on his face. Matthew was smiling.

“You want my opinion?” Gil asked. “I think God’s got way bigger fish to fry than worrying about who people kiss. If any of you wants to be with a guy when you grow up, I don’t think God would judge you for that. It wouldn’t make sense for Him to do that. It would be like judging Mattie for liking pancakes with maple syrup.”

Lovino snorted. “Maple syrup?” Alfred didn’t get the connection either.

Gilbert nodded at Matthew with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Yeah. He _really_ likes maple syrup. It’s like he’s innately wired to enjoy maple syrup. Like God _made him that way._ ”

Matthew laughed self-consciously. “I guess that’s true.”

“That’s how gay people tend to feel. Like God made them that way. So, just like it wouldn’t be fair to punish Matthew for liking maple syrup, it wouldn’t be fair for God to punish people for who they fall in love with. It wouldn’t be right to say he could never have maple syrup again, and it would be even worse to say gay people aren’t allowed to have relationships the way straight people can.”

“That makes sense,” Lovino replied softly, glancing over at Alfred. “Way more sense than what my dad said to me.”

It made sense to Alfred too. He had been so lonely since the incident, when he felt like he was no longer allowed to be affectionate to Lovino, even in a friendly way. He wouldn’t be able to bear it if he had to go his whole life feeling that way.

“We won’t play wedding if it will get you into trouble with your parents,” Gilbert finished. “I don’t want to make things harder for you, and I don’t want your parents to have an excuse to keep you from hanging out with Luddy. But when you’re around me, none of you have to feel like you can’t be yourselves.”

After his speech, Gilbert let the children pick out a Disney movie for them to watch. Feliciano wanted to see _The Lion King_ , and the others were content to go with his selection.

A few minutes into the movie, Lovino got out of the chair he’d been sitting in. He sat down on the couch, close enough that he could lean against Alfred and hesitantly placed his hand on top of Alfred’s.

“Is this okay?” he murmured.

A goofy smile overtook Alfred’s face as he turned his hand over and laced their fingers together. “It’s more than okay.”

“I’m glad.” Lovino stared down at their joined hands. “Our parents can’t get mad at us if they don’t know.”

“So we won’t tell them.” It wasn’t ideal, but Alfred felt that strange, wonderful sensation in his stomach again. He had missed holding Lovino’s hand for the past two weeks, and he was thrilled he could do that again, even if they had to keep it secret from their parents.

Lovino smirked, and Alfred’s heart was pounding just like it had before he kissed Lovino for the first time. He didn’t know if he should kiss him again. They weren’t playing a game this time, and Alfred didn’t know if it would be okay to kiss him like he had before, even after Gil had told him he wouldn’t go to hell for it.

The opportunity was lost as Lovino squeezed his hand and turned to face the television screen. “I like the way you think, caro.”

Alfred relaxed and leaned against Lovino, feeling unexplainably warm and dizzy from the nickname Lovino had used for him and the soft tone with which he’d said it. His eyes were fixed on the screen, but he found it impossible to focus on Simba and Nala when he was distracted by the sensation of Lovino’s fingers locked together with his own.

Eventually, his mom came to pick him up, and by that time, he was sitting close to Lovino on the couch, but not leaning on him or holding his hand. His mother suspected nothing as she took him and Matthew home. The rest of his evening went as it usually did, but when he said his prayers before bedtime, Alfred didn’t pray to fall in love with a girl someday. He hoped he would eventually become the kind of person his parents and his pastor wanted him to be, but for now he was okay being himself.

* * *

A couple more years passed, and Alfred and Lovino developed a weird sort of equilibrium. Their parents gradually quit watching them as closely, and Alfred and Lovino were able to quickly hug in their presence. They saved the handholding, cheek kisses, and more extended hugging or leaning against each other for school or for when they were at Ludwig’s house. Feliciano and Ludwig also became less affectionate in front of the Vargas or Jones families, because they were getting old enough to notice how they were also watched suspiciously.

But there were still problems. Every Sunday, they went to their respective churches. Alfred wasn’t sure what worship services were like at the Catholic church Lovino and his family went to, but at Alfred’s church, the pastor often railed against the evils of modern society. One of those evils he railed against was society’s tolerance of the so-called “homosexual lifestyle.” Whenever that topic was on the agenda, Alfred would freeze in the pew while his parents nodded along. Those nights, he would pray extra hard for God to make him love a girl the way he was supposed to when he was older. Matthew was sympathetic, but he couldn’t say anything in front of their parents, and the things he said in private didn’t help. Alfred clung to Gilbert’s interpretation of what God thought of gay people, but it was difficult for him to believe with his parents and his pastor telling him something so different.

In third grade, Alfred and Matthew both started having problems seeing the chalkboard from the back of their classroom. They were both tested, found to be near-sighted, and given a pair of glasses.

Matthew didn’t seem to mind wearing glasses, but Alfred did. He complained about it to Lovino one day when they were walking out to the playground, holding hands as they usually did. Matthew had run off to go see Katya, a girl who had moved to their town earlier that year with her younger siblings, Ivan and Natalya. Katya was kind enough that she had easily befriended everyone in the group, but she had gotten particularly close to Matthew.

“I hate having to wear these things,” Alfred said, adjusting the glasses that had slipped down his nose. “They make me look like a dork.”

Lovino squeezed Alfred’s hand. “Please. You don’t look that different with a pair of glasses.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. If anything, they make you look better. They make your eyes look all blue and… and sparkly. Which is nice, I guess.” His cheeks filled with color, and Alfred couldn’t resist teasing him.

“You think I look cute in the glasses?”

“I didn’t say that, damn it!” But his face was a shade approximating a tomato, so obviously he did think Alfred was cute. Over the years, Alfred had gotten pretty good at interpreting what Lovino was really saying when he was flustered.

“It’s okay, Lovi. I think you’re cute all the time.” He leaned in to peck his friend on the cheek, and Lovino stared at him with wide, shocked eyes. Lovino looked so adorable that Alfred nearly leaned back in to kiss Lovino on the mouth for the second time in his life, but he was interrupted by the voice of Devon, a particularly boorish classmate of theirs.

“Aww, is the four eyes a fairy too?” Devon’s annoying friends snickered at his comment.

Lovino whipped around his head to face the bully. “Shut up! Even if he is, that’s better than being a worthless piece of shit like you!”

Devon and his friends howled with laughter, and Lovino ripped his hand away from Alfred’s, probably intending to march over there and teach Devon a lesson. Alfred grabbed Lovino’s arm and pulled him away before he could do anything.

“Come on. He’s not worth getting in trouble for.” He didn’t want Lovino getting into a fight because of him, and he didn’t want him getting hurt or punished by a teacher. God, Alfred didn’t even want to think about the consequences if their parents found out.

Lovino grunted in acknowledgment, but he looked unhappy about being pulled away. Alfred was angry too, and he wished he could’ve done something.

Unfortunately, Devon’s comment was just the first of many. His friends joined in, and soon, Alfred and Lovino had to put up with other boys calling them “fairies” or sneering derisively about how they were “boyfriends” every time they showed affection in public. In fourth grade, it started happening even when they didn’t hold hands, hug, or kiss each other on the cheek. In an effort to curb the taunting, Lovino would drop Alfred’s hand or step away from him every time Devon or one of his cronies showed up. A couple months after that, he stopped holding Alfred’s hand altogether.

“We’re not little kids anymore,” Lovino explained with a conflicted look on his face. “People keep looking at us weird when we do that, and I want it to stop.”

“I want it to stop too.” But Alfred’s hands felt cold that winter, even when he wore gloves and stuffed them into his coat pockets.

By the time fifth grade rolled around, Lovino had also stopped kissing Alfred on the cheek as a greeting or farewell gesture. It wouldn’t have been a problem for them in Italy, but in America, it was misconstrued as evidence that their friendship wasn’t normal. Devon and his friends made exaggerated gagging noises every time Lovino did that, and Lovino was tired of being treated like a leper nearly every time he was around Alfred.

For a while, they had a reprieve from the bullying. Lovino and Alfred acted like any other boys their age, and maybe that meant it was no longer fun for Devon and his gang of jerks to taunt them. Maybe they realized that their teasing was based on nothing. Since he was acting like a normal boy, maybe no one could tell that Alfred wasn’t half as normal as he was pretending to be.

Alfred believed he and Lovino had escaped the teasing until a week before Thanksgiving. Lovino had been out sick with a flu that was spreading around his family, and fifth graders had multiple class periods with different teachers to prepare them for middle school. Matthew wasn’t in Alfred’s gym class.

The students were required to change out for P.E. into gym shorts and a t-shirt. Their normal clothes were to be stored in gym lockers. Alfred didn’t think anything of it when he changed and left his jeans and sweater in the locker as normal. After they had been split into small groups to practice indoor volleyball drills, the coach had asked him to help return the balls to the rack. Alfred entered the locker room a couple moments after the others.

He ran over when he saw Jamie, one of Devon’s friends, cutting his sweater with a pair of scissors he must have taken from a classroom. “Give that back!” he yelled.

Jamie smirked and dropped his ruined sweater on the ground. “There you go. If you want your pants, you’ll have to look in the toilet.”

Several boys around them laughed. Not all of them were Devon or his friends.

Alfred’s hands balled into fists. “What the fuck is your problem?! Why are you doing this to me?”

Devon laughed cruelly. “It’s your fault, you dumb queer. You used Lovino’s birthday for your locker combination.”

Alfred stared down at the white and gray tile floor. He knew crying would only make him look less manly, and that would make things worse, so he held in his tears of frustration.

“I’m not a queer,” he insisted quietly. Without conviction.

“We’ve all seen you staring at Lovino in class.” The nasally voice belonged to Andy, a boy in Alfred and Lovino’s English class. Alfred didn’t know Andy all that well, but he wouldn’t have been surprised if Devon had bullied him too. Andy was skinny and shorter than most boys his age, but he didn’t stare at other boys when he got bored in class, and that made all the difference.

“You look at him like he’s a girl you have a crush on,” another boy spat. “It’s so creepy.” Alfred didn’t even recognize that voice, but he recognized the disgust. The same disgust his parents would feel if they knew Alfred hadn’t just been making a mistake when he kissed Lovino when they were six and playing a game they were too young to understand they shouldn’t have been playing.

Alfred glanced up, and all of the boys in the vicinity were glaring at him like he was a cockroach who had scuttled out onto the floor. The contempt in their eyes was obvious, and Alfred knew they believed he should be ended like a pest, stomped underneath a shoe or choked to death on a can of bug spray. Part of Alfred shared their opinion, and he clenched his eyes and refused to blink, but his eyes watered anyway.

“Look!” Devon exclaimed. “He’s crying, just like the pansy he is!”

They laughed like Devon was a comedian who told a great joke, and Alfred wanted to punch that asshole in the face. He wanted to fight all of them, leave them with black eyes and broken noses. Alfred was strong enough he could’ve taken Devon on his own, but he couldn’t fight an entire locker room full of boys. If he did get beaten up, no one would feel sorry for him once they learned the reason why. Not a teacher, not the principal, not his parents, not God, and maybe not even Lovino or Matthew.

“I fucking hate you!” Alfred screamed, trembling with the effort it took not to attack Devon. He turned and sprinted away.

“That’s right, run away!” Jamie taunted. “Wussy little fag!” More jeers followed, but Alfred couldn’t hear them. Tears were pouring down his face as he ran through the empty gym and out into the hallway. He’d heard his father using that word before after something in the news about gay people demonstrating for their rights. Alfred hadn’t seen much before his father turned the channel, grumbling under his breath about how “the fags” were trying to take over the country. His mother had lightly scolded her husband for using inappropriate language in front of the children, but she hadn’t been offended by what his father said. If he really was a fag like Jamie said he was, his parents would hate him and consider him the enemy of all right-thinking Christians.

Alfred slid down against the wall opposite his English classroom and sobbed into his knees. He had nearly run the length of the school building, but he couldn’t run anymore. No matter where he went, his parents or a school official would find him eventually. Gilbert was the only adult Alfred could think of who wouldn’t think Jamie was right, but he didn’t deserve to have his door beaten down with people looking for Alfred. Alfred had nowhere to go.

“Alfie? Is that you?”

Alfred groaned at the crisp British accent. “Go away, Mr. Kirkland.” He liked his English teacher well enough, but right now he didn’t need anyone’s false sympathy.

Mr. Kirkland crouched down next to him. “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’re clearly upset, and it’s not in my job description to ignore upset children.”

He stared at Alfred with a concerned look on his face. His prominent eyebrows were drawn together, and his mouth was pursed like he was thinking of saying something but refraining for Alfred’s sake. Alfred wished he had been younger, so he could have hugged his teacher without looking totally pathetic.

As it was, his gaze slid off to the side. “I can’t talk about it out here.” He couldn’t talk about it anywhere else either, but especially not when a bunch of students were about to come out of their classrooms and head to the cafeteria for lunch.

Mr. Kirkland nodded stiffly and stood up. “I have a free period. We can talk in my classroom.”

Without waiting for a response, he turned around and opened up the door to his classroom. Alfred got up and followed him inside, closing the door behind them.

Mr. Kirkland sat down at his desk, and Alfred took that as his cue to sit down in the smaller student chair placed by the side. The first thing Mr. Kirkland did was offer Alfred a box of tissues. “Here you go, lad. You look like you could use these.”

“Thanks.” Alfred wiped at his eyes and cleaned his glasses, which had fogged up from all the crying he’d done, and put them back on his face. Mr. Kirkland waited patiently for Alfred to finish that task before he spoke.

“I suppose something bad must have happened in your phys ed class. You’re still in your gym uniform.”

Alfred nodded. “Some of the other boys got into my locker. They cut up my sweater, and I think they shoved my pants in one of the toilets. I… uh, didn’t exactly check before I ran out of there.” Alfred kept his tone emotionless, and he was careful not to name anyone. He didn’t want them to be punished, because that would only make the bullying worse. And the last thing he wanted was for his parents to get involved.

Mr. Kirkland sighed. “That’s horrible. They had no right to treat you that way. After this, I can call your parents so that they can bring you something else to wear for the rest of the day.” That was the normal procedure for a dress code violation. If the parents couldn’t be reached, the front office had a limited selection of clothes students could wear so they could get back to class.

Alfred internally shuddered at the idea of his mother finding out what happened to him, but he forced himself to appear calm. “I’d rather you didn’t call my mom, if that’s okay.”

“Don’t you want to wear your own clothes? I can’t imagine you’d want to be stuck in a P.E. uniform all day.”

Alfred didn’t want that either. He would be teased, and he would be cold if he walked home later in a thin t-shirt and gym shorts. But being cold for a few minutes would be better than his mother hating him for the rest of his life.

“I don’t want her to know what happened to me. If she found out what I am, if she found out why they ruined my clothes and have been saying mean things to me for the past two years, she wouldn’t love me anymore!” Alfred was panicking, and he had a hard time getting breath into his lungs.

Mr. Kirkland looked horrified. “This has been going on for two bloody years?! Why on Earth didn’t you say something?”

Alfred whimpered and squeezed his eyes shut. “If I told anyone, they’d hate me too.”

Alfred heard Mr. Kirkland’s desk chair squeaking across the polished floor as it rolled closer to him. “I won’t hate you, Alfred,” he stated gently. “No one deserves to be bullied for who they are.”

Mr. Kirkland actually believed that. Alfred had been there when Mr. Kirkland sternly rebuked the girl who mocked a new student from Japan, who had been asked to read a passage aloud from the novel they were studying. By the time Mr. Kirkland was done with his lecture on how wrong it was to discriminate against people from different nationalities, Kaitlyn had tears in her eyes. She sheepishly apologized to Kiku, who was able to read the rest of the passage without anyone giggling or making racist jokes about his accent. None of those inclined to be an asshole to Kiku were willing to do so under Mr. Kirkland’s watchful eye. Their teacher had made it abundantly clear that he wouldn’t look the other way when students were being bullied the way some of his colleagues did.

But Alfred didn’t know if this would be different. It seemed to be different for most people.

“You promise?” Alfred asked warily, glancing up at his teacher.

Mr. Kirkland had a sympathetic expression on his face. “I promise.”

Alfred took a shuddery breath to gather his courage. He didn’t want to do this, but he needed to talk to someone. Gilbert wasn’t an option at the moment. Mr. Kirkland was all he had.

“They made fun of me and Lovino for being close. Too close, in their eyes. They thought we were gay, only they said it in a meaner way. Especially today. They hadn’t said anything for months, so I thought they had stopped, but now I guess they’re directing it only at me.”

Arthur leaned over to give Alfred a hug. “I’m so sorry they did that to both of you. They had absolutely no right. If you _are_ gay, it’s none of their bloody business, and it doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated as less than human.”

Alfred sniffled into his teacher’s shoulder. He smelled like tea, old books, and whatever detergent he used on his sweater vest. Distantly, he wished Mr. Kirkland could have been his father. He couldn’t remember the last time his parents had hugged him and it actually felt comforting the way this did.

“I used to hold Lovino’s hand all the time, but now I can’t because of them. I really miss it.”

“I hate that they took that away from you.”

Alfred pulled away from the hug. “Today, someone told me I stare at Lovino like he’s a girl I have a crush on. Do you think I stare at him too much?” He gazed up at Mr. Kirkland, hoping his teacher would tell him a comforting lie he knew wasn’t true, deep down.

Mr. Kirkland smiled weakly at him. “I think English class isn’t your favorite, so you get distracted occasionally. If you weren’t looking at your friend, I suspect you’d be looking out the window. Personally, I don’t care one iota whom you’re looking at. I’d rather you pay attention to me, but at least you aren’t disrupting lessons.”

Alfred crumpled in his chair. “Lovino’s so pretty,” he whispered, tearing up again. “It’s hard for me to not look at him sometimes. I think I might be everything they’ve said I am, but I’m not sure.”

Mr. Kirkland slid the tissue box closer to Alfred again. “You’ll figure that out in your own time. Most people figure that out after primary school, you know.”

Alfred wheezed with genuine laughter. That was actually kind of funny, and he didn’t feel like sobbing quite as much anymore.

“Whatever the answer is, I won’t think of you any differently. There are other people out there who wouldn’t judge you for that. More than you probably think there are.”

“My parents aren’t like that. They care way too much.” Alfred omitted the fact that they had been suspicious of him for nearly four years now.

Mr. Kirkland sighed. “In that case, we probably shouldn’t tell them. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want me to tell the principal or any of your other teachers either?”

Alfred shook his head. “Definitely not.” He didn’t trust the principal or any other faculty members. But after today, he trusted Mr. Kirkland.

“I’ll look out for you as best I can on my own. Do you think you’re ready for me to take you to the front office now?”

“Yeah. I think I can handle that now.”

Mr. Kirkland rose from his chair and guided Alfred out of his classroom to the front office. He lied and told the receptionist Alfred’s clothes had been stolen as part of some prank. He had no idea who the perpetrators were, and his mum and dad couldn’t be reached since they were both at work.

None of the clothes were in his size, so Alfred decided to wear his gym uniform for the rest of the day. He rushed towards the cafeteria with only a few minutes to spare.

As he sat down at his normal table and quickly started scarfing down a sandwich, Matthew asked him what had happened to his clothes and where he had been during lunch.

“I don’t want to get into it here,” he told Matthew. “I’ll explain it later.”

He did explain it later, after shivering on the walk home and after repeating the lie his English teacher had told the school receptionist to his confused mother. He could only explain it in the dark, thirty minutes after they were supposed to be asleep, when he was as certain as he could be that no one else could see him breaking down or overhear his shameful confession.

Matthew got out of his bed and crawled in beside Alfred. He wrapped his brother up in an embrace he was too upset to reciprocate. “Oh, Al, this was what I was afraid of.”

Alfred was weeping into his pillow. “I’m not even sure who I am yet, but everyone else seems to already know and hate me for it.”

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. Mr. Kirkland doesn’t hate you either, and Gilbert told us he wouldn’t hate someone for this a long time ago. I doubt Lovino would either.”

“I can’t tell him. I don’t want to lose him, Mattie. I don’t want to lose Mom or Dad either, but I would if I told them what happened to me today.”

Matthew sighed. He sounded about a hundred years older than he actually was. “I wish they weren’t like that. I wish everyone wasn’t like that.”

“Yeah, me too. I’ve been praying to like a girl the way you like Katya, but I don’t. At least not yet.” He hadn’t known her for as long, but Kateryna was Matthew’s best friend, just like Lovino was Alfred’s. But everybody thought it was cute when Matthew and Katya held hands. They didn’t get called disparaging names for showing affection to each other.

“Maybe God made you this way for a reason. I think you should try to pray for the bullies to back off. That’s the real reason you’re having problems, not anything to do with you and Lovino.”

Too bad those bullies included his own parents, the pastor at his church, and the Sunday school teachers who talked about sin and purity in a way that made Alfred feel like they were talking about him. None of those people openly discussed their suspicions, and his pastor and the people who led Sunday school services probably had no clue, but in some ways, they bullied him worse than Devon, Jamie, or any of the other jerks at his school ever had.

Alfred closed his eyes. “You should probably go back to your own bed. I don’t want to have to lie if Mom asked why you slept in the same bed as me.” They hadn’t done that in a while. The last time had been because Alfred got scared of a horror movie he had seen without his parents’ permission. Alfred was scared right now, but he didn’t want his mom to know.

Matthew squeezed him before he let go. “I’ll always love you, Al. No matter what.”

“I love you too.”

Matthew returned to his own bed, and after a few minutes of tossing and turning, he fell back asleep. Alfred stayed awake for much longer, and he didn’t manage to fall asleep until the first rays of the dawn began to peek through their window blinds. He thought about his problems, but he didn’t pray. For the first time in his life, Alfred wasn’t sure if God was listening to him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alfred starts to go through puberty in this chapter. There are some references to him getting turned on by things, but it's kept very vague.

The bullying continued throughout fifth and sixth grade, but nothing as bad as what happened in the locker room that day. Just verbal comments, and usually only three or four people at a time. Sometimes, the bullying hit Lovino too, but most of the time, it was directed at Alfred, which made sense. Alfred was the one who couldn’t stop staring wistfully at his friend and who practically had a neon sign over his head proclaiming his abnormality.

At around this time, Alfred noticed Ludwig and Feli distancing themselves from each other. They were best friends, but they no longer acted as clingy as they did when they were younger. He hoped that they hadn’t gone through the kind of thing him and Lovino were still going through. The idea of that happening to Lovino’s younger brother and his best friend made Alfred sad.

In sixth grade, Kiku was assigned to be Alfred’s lab partner in their science class. At first, they were just talking about experiments, but then their conversations drifted to anime and video games. Soon enough, Kiku was asking to sit at Alfred’s lunch table.

“You’ve heard the things people say about me, right? If you start hanging out with me, they’ll probably talk about you too.”

Kiku shrugged like he didn’t care. “That’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

They did say stuff about him, occasionally jeering that Alfred had a new boyfriend, but Kiku never responded defensively the way Lovino had. He called them bakayarous, but he did so in the calmest tone of voice Alfred had ever heard. The bullies were baffled, and eventually they quit making comments about him specifically.

Kiku integrated seamlessly into the group, and he started hanging out with everyone outside of school. They also got to know Mei, a Taiwanese girl who had moved to the U.S. the year earlier, just like Kiku had. The two weren’t related in any way, but they were so close they practically seemed like brother and sister at times.

Alfred liked Kiku and Mei, but he didn’t like them the way he did Lovino. He thought Kiku was an interesting guy, and he appreciated Mei’s wicked sense of humor, but he didn’t pine to hold their hand or find himself staring at them when he was bored. They didn’t make him have weird fluttery sensations in his stomach, and he never thought of marrying either of them the way he sometimes still thought of marrying Lovino. The differences in how he viewed Kiku and Mei compared to Lovino troubled Alfred, but his parents were delighted he was making new friends, and particularly that he was making friends with a _girl_. When they implied that he’d suddenly start to “notice” Mei in a year or two, Alfred wouldn’t say anything but would shoot Matthew a disbelieving look if that wouldn’t attract too much attention.

Puberty was an awkward time for Alfred and his friends, and not just because of things like braces or acne. Katya developed breasts early, and they were larger than average. She became the subject of leering and attention she didn’t ask for, and Alfred felt sorry for her. Matthew was protective of her; then once he hit puberty, he started blushing around her constantly and became a tongue-tied mess. Kiku and Lovino were also flustered around her, but to a lesser degree. Alfred didn’t really get it. Katya’s developing body didn’t make much of an impression on him.

That was the problem. Kiku, Lovino, and Matthew started noticing girls, but Alfred didn’t. He didn’t start suddenly noticing a bunch of guys either. Like always, he was fixated on Lovino, but now he was fixated on him in a new, embarrassing way. What had been an innocent childhood crush was now adult in its implications, and secretly, Alfred was terrified. He was terrified of thoughts that he knew were sinful, that he found difficult enough to control when he was awake, much less when he was asleep. He was terrified of the way his body would react to the idea of kissing or touching Lovino, and he felt a knot of guilt form in his stomach every time he gave into the temptation to touch _himself._ If he had thought of girls his age the way other boys did, maybe Alfred wouldn’t have felt unclean every time he masturbated. If he hadn’t stayed up late one night and heard his mother and father anxiously debating in whispers if he was homosexual or just a late bloomer, maybe Alfred wouldn’t feel like his existence was a mistake.

The fact that Lovino was popular with the girls in their grade didn’t help. He was a smooth flirt, and he easily got girlfriends, though none of those relationships lasted longer than a month or two. Every time Lovino introduced a new girlfriend or jokingly flirted with Katya or Mei, Alfred hid his bitter jealousy and mounting depression behind a plastic smile. It wasn’t Lovino’s fault that he had grown up to be normal and Alfred hadn’t.

He prayed harder than ever for God to make him like a girl, any girl, but it didn’t happen. Matthew would squeeze his shoulder sometimes after Lovino introduced a new girlfriend and would look at him sadly when he prayed late at night, tears streaming down his face, but he didn’t say anything. Alfred was too ashamed to confide in anyone, even his own twin who already knew.

Things finally came to a head one evening near the end of seventh grade when they were all hanging out at Kiku’s house. Kiku’s parents had bought a new game called Twister, and he was eager to try it out.

In retrospect, agreeing to play Twister against Lovino had been one of the most spectacularly stupid things Alfred had ever done. But he had no idea it would result in Lovino practically lying _underneath_ him, huffing out air and cheeks pink with exertion. It was too close to one of Alfred’s impossible dreams, and Alfred had to forfeit the round early, even though he’d been winning the game until Lovino’s sexiness had distracted him. He couldn’t even remember which color circle he was supposed to put his hand on.

When he returned from the bathroom a few minutes later, Mei had been giggling as she played the game against her best friend, Liên. Lovino glanced up at Alfred with amusement sparkling in his hazel eyes, like he _knew_. Alfred hid his embarrassment and sat down next to Lovino on the couch like he normally would.

“Are you alright, caro?” Lovino’s voice was silky, like it would be when he was trying to charm some girl he liked. Alfred felt warm all over, but thankfully that was the extent of his physical reaction.

“I’m fine,” Alfred said. His voice cracked, and not just in the normal boy going through puberty way.

“That’s good to know.”

Lovino inched a little closer to him, until there was only a miniscule amount of distance between them. Alfred’s entire body was thrumming with energy, and internally, he was screaming. He had so many impulses flickering through his mind. Some were relatively innocuous, like putting an arm around Lovino to draw him in closer, but others weren’t. Instead of giving into them, Alfred tapped his foot nervously and stared straight ahead as the others played the game.

About a week later, Alfred finally found the courage to tell Matthew what he had started to realize several months ago. He waited until they were home alone. Their mother was at the grocery store, and their father was at work.

“Mattie, I’ve gotta talk to you about something. It’s kind of important.” He didn’t think Matthew would reject him, but he still felt incredibly nervous.

Matthew set aside the book he had been reading and looked up at Alfred with a kind expression. “What is it, Al?”

Alfred couldn’t look at him when he said it. “I’m gay. Like, really, really, really gay.”

Matthew stood up and hugged him. “I’m proud of you. I know how hard that was for you to say.”

Alfred couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. “I don’t know what to do. The other night, with the Twister game, I wanted to kiss him so bad, but I knew I couldn’t.”

Matthew patted his back. “It’s okay. I would’ve reacted the same way if I’d been in that position with Katya. That must’ve been really awkward for you.”

“I’m scared of telling other people. I don’t want them to think of me differently. I’m the same person I’ve always been, but I don’t know if they’ll see me that way.”

Matthew sighed like he was thinking about something extremely sad. “The people who are worth keeping around will love you just the same.”

Alfred thought of all the times he’d spent with his parents and his extended family. His mom had taught him how to ride a bike and made the world’s best sugar cookies every December, and he and his dad bonded over fishing and camping trips. They had ruffled his hair and told Alfred they were proud of him when he got good grades, did well in sports, or won the school’s science fair. He looked forward to seeing his cousins at family reunions, and he was fascinated by the stories his grandparents would tell about life when they were young. His family loved him, he knew they did, but most of them wouldn’t love this part of him, and Alfred wished that wasn’t true. He wished he wasn’t gay.

Matthew pulled back to look at him. “I know you’re having a tough time right now, but things will get better. You might not believe me now, but I know you will someday.”

Alfred nodded and swallowed down the rest of his tears. “I hope you’re right, Mattie. I really do.”

By the time his mom came home from the grocery store, Alfred was no longer crying. He and Matthew were playing a video game and trying to one up each other. Alfred and Matthew’s mom smiled at the boys and asked for their help to bring in the groceries. Matthew paused the game, and they helped their mom carry in the food she had bought that week. Alfred made pleasant conversation with their mom, but something was lacking in their interactions, and it was the same thing that had been lacking since she told him why he couldn’t play wedding with Lovino when he was six years old. As always, she didn’t notice, and Alfred didn’t know if he wanted her to stay oblivious forever or not. A tiny part of Alfred wanted his mom to actually see him for who he was, but most of him didn’t want her to see the parts of him she wouldn’t like.

* * *

It took several months for Alfred to tell anyone else. Being accepted by his brother helped, but it didn’t get rid of the guilt and shame he had felt for half of his life. Matthew kept privately encouraging him to tell his friends, but Alfred was afraid they might react badly. Kiku might have been okay with befriending a boy rumored to be gay, but would he stay Alfred’s friend if he knew the rumors were true? Would he assume that Alfred had been harboring secret feelings for him? And then there was Lovino, the person Alfred did harbor secret feelings for. What if Lovino was too creeped out to be his friend? Perhaps more frightening, what if he wasn’t? What if he liked Alfred too? Alfred wanted to be with Lovino more than anything, but not at the cost of Lovino ruining his relationship with his parents. Being gay had caused Alfred nothing but grief, and he didn’t want to make Lovino unhappy too. Lovino seemed content to date girls, so maybe he would be better off not knowing how Alfred felt about him.

Matthew reminded Alfred of the positive way Gilbert had reacted to Alfred asking if he would go to hell when they were little kids. He had never said anything since then to indicate that his opinion of gay people had changed. Alfred considered telling Gilbert, but he didn’t know how to get him alone. He had recently moved in with a woman he started dating a year ago, and she was usually around while Gilbert was watching over his little brother and their friends. Alfred liked Erzsébet, but he didn’t know if he could trust her with this. And of course, he didn’t want Ludwig, Feliciano, and especially not Lovino to overhear him when he was speaking to Gilbert.

Alfred had the opportunity to tell Gilbert one day when he slipped out of his apartment to smoke a cigarette. He had developed the habit a long time ago, but he had always been careful to avoid smoking around Ludwig or his friends. He might have been addicted to the nicotine, but he didn’t want his little brother to be exposed to secondhand smoke.

Gil raised an eyebrow at him. “Is there a reason you followed me out to the balcony?”

Alfred nodded solemnly. “I wanted to tell you something.” This wasn’t easy, and maybe it never would be, but he didn’t think he would cry like he did when he told Matthew. At least he hoped he wouldn’t.

“Okay. What’s up?” Gilbert put the cigarette to his lips and gave him a curious look.

Alfred stared at the apartment complex across the street from them. “Do you, uh, remember when you said you didn’t think God would care if one of us wanted to be with a guy when we grew up?”

“I remember. This was after your parents were being homophobic dickheads to you about the fake wedding thing with Lovino, right?”

Alfred laughed, startled by the blunt description. “Yeah.” He had cursed like that when they were little kids too, in both German and English. Many things had changed since then, but other things hadn’t changed at all.

“Now that you’re older, you’ve realized that you do want to be with a guy?” Gilbert’s voice was open and non-judgmental. Alfred was glad he had decided to follow him out to the balcony.

Alfred nodded and managed to look Gilbert in the eyes. “Lovino,” he murmured.

Gilbert smiled at him. “I figured as much. Have you told him?”

Alfred shook his head. He felt sad, stupid, and guilty. “I can’t. I’m pretty sure Lovino’s straight. He likes girls. He flirts with Katya and Mei sometimes, and he’s had a few girlfriends.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s straight. Some people can like men and women. I do. Erzsi does.”

Alfred blinked at him in surprise. “I didn’t even know that was a thing.”

Gilbert rolled his eyes like he was disgusted, but it didn’t seem directed at Alfred. “I’m not surprised, given what you’ve said about your hyper Christian parents. You might want to go to the library and look up bisexuality some time. You should probably go to the public library. Your school might block too many websites, even if they’re totally appropriate for kids your age.”

“I think I’ll do that,” Alfred said. When it came to sexuality, he knew there was a lot he didn’t understand. His parents had exempted him and Matthew from the sexual education portion of their health class for religious reasons. They had taught them basics about how babies were made along with their church’s view on things, but not much else. Maybe Alfred should learn about the things his parents had refused to teach him.

“Maybe you should consider telling Lovino too,” Gilbert suggested.

Alfred rolled his eyes. “You sound just like my brother.”

Gilbert chuckled and took another drag of his cigarette. “Matthew’s a smart kid. You should listen to him.”

Alfred frowned and scuffed the toe of his shoe along the concrete. “It’s not that easy, dude.”

“I know it’s not. But you’re never gonna be with Lovino if you don’t tell him. You’ll have to stew in silence and keep feeling jealous every time he dates a girl. Sounds like a pretty crappy way to live. I wouldn’t be able to deal with that, if I were you.”

Getting kicked out by both their families sounded like a pretty crappy way to live too. Alfred wasn’t even in high school yet. He didn’t know how to live on his own, and he knew Lovino didn’t either.

Alfred didn’t say anything else. He stayed out there for a couple more minutes as Gilbert finished smoking his cigarette, and then they returned inside. Ludwig was a little confused about why Alfred had followed his older brother outside, but Gilbert made up some vague answer that satisfied him.

A few weeks later, Alfred had an excuse to go to the public library. He told his parents he would be meeting Mei there to work on a history project they had together. They actually had a history project together, but they had already gotten most of the work done. They could finish the rest of it by email.

Alfred’s mother seemed pleased that he was meeting Mei alone, even for a purely academic purpose. He managed not to roll his eyes in front of her before he got on his bike and headed over to the library.

Alfred saw a wealth of information about people and communities he had never heard of before. He didn’t just read about bisexual people; he also read things about transgender people, polyamorous people, and a little bit about asexual people. He had heard of lesbians and gays before, but now he was able to learn about the history of the LGBT rights movement in unbiased terms for the first time in his life. He discovered the existence of actors, musicians, and even politicians who were part of the LGBT community. Alfred had known about some of the celebrities, but he hadn’t been permitted to watch their television shows or movies or listen to their music.

While he was reading about transgender people, Alfred recalled how relieved his mother had been when Alfred said he only dressed up as the bride at his and Lovino’s play wedding because he believed a wedding needed a bride and a groom. (It turns out that wasn’t true. Some states had civil unions, and people of the same sex did marry, even if it wasn’t legally recognized, a fact Alfred found comforting.) When she saw him wearing a makeshift wedding dress, maybe Alfred’s mom had worried that her son thought he was a girl, deep down. As hard as things were for him right now, Alfred knew it would have been even harder for him if he had been a trans girl.

Eventually, Alfred glanced up at the clock in the corner of the screen and saw that two hours had passed. Alfred would have to leave soon to make it home in time for dinner.

As he rode back home on his bike, Alfred didn’t feel any more inclined to tell Lovino he liked him. But he had learned about things his parents hadn’t taught him, and he was glad.

* * *

That spring, Alfred went through the confirmation process in his church, and so did Lovino. For Alfred, it didn’t matter that he doubted the existence of God, and it didn’t matter that he knew he wasn’t straight and felt unloved by a church that expected him to be. His parents expected him to get confirmed as a Christian, and by saying the right words, he could avoid disappointing them in one small way.

One evening before his class of young people was officially confirmed, Luke, the youth group leader, opened up the room to questions. A flurry of questions followed, most of them stupid or pointless. Seriously, who cared about Luke’s favorite color or his shoe size? Alfred’s attention drifted, and he barely heard Luke’s response to a serious girl who had asked why God let bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.

He was barely managing to keep his eyes open when, suddenly, Matthew’s hand shot into the air. “I would like to hear more about God’s view of homosexuality. I don’t understand why He’d punish people for that, especially if He made them that way. It doesn’t seem fair to me.”

A few murmurs of agreement followed, and Alfred shot Matthew a glare. He couldn’t believe Matthew would bring this up here of all places.

“Well, Matthew, your question presupposes a few things. First of all, God doesn’t punish people for their feelings, only for acting on them. Surely, you can understand the difference.” Luke smiled, but it was the fakest smile Alfred had ever seen.

“I do. But I don’t understand why God would want some people to be lonely while he lets other people fall in love and act on that. It seems like a heavy burden for gay people.”

Luke had a canned response ready. “I think you’ve been a little too influenced by the liberal media. People aren’t ‘born gay.’ That’s not in God’s design for humanity. If it was, He wouldn’t have made them male and female, and He wouldn’t have required a man and a woman to conceive a child, now would he?”

Alfred shrunk down in his pew. He reminded himself of the gay penguins he had read about that afternoon he had spent at the library, along with the other species who exhibited homosexual behavior. If God was so against gayness, He wouldn’t have made some animals gay or bisexual too.

“There are many reasons why a person might consider himself gay. Perhaps he was molested as a child, or perhaps he never developed a proper bond with his father. These deep-seated childhood traumas can cause people to develop same sex attraction in adolescence, but the compassionate Christian response is not to encourage people to sin. If someone had a broken leg, a doctor wouldn’t encourage them to chop it off. Similarly, if a person develops same sex attraction, they need to recognize that as an illness, one that requires extensive spiritual treatment.”

Alfred felt nauseous, but he reminded himself that the American Psychological Association had stopped considering homosexuality an illness back in the 70s. On a personal level, Alfred knew he wasn’t sick. He had never been molested, and his relationship with his parents had been fine before he kissed Lovino on the mouth. He simply liked Lovino because he was Lovino, not because he had some horrible childhood trauma to explain why.

“God loves people who suffer from same sex attraction, just as he loves all of His children. If you or a friend are struggling with this issue, Christian counseling is available to help you get back on the path God set for you.”

Conversion therapy? Alfred had read a little bit about that too. That led more to gay people wanting to kill themselves than suddenly “turning straight.”

Matthew shook his head and smiled to reassure Luke. “Ah, no. I wasn’t asking for myself or anyone I knew. I saw something on TV that contradicted what the Bible said, but I understand now.”

Alfred knew Matthew was only lying to protect him, but he still felt crappy when he heard him say that. He felt even crappier when Luke nodded, told Matthew he was glad to answer his question, then addressed someone else who had raised their hand.

On their way out of the sanctuary, Matthew whispered to him. “Luke said a lot of bullshit back there. I didn’t believe any of it.”

“I know, Mattie.”

Matthew frowned. “Those people don’t know the first thing about compassion. And they don’t know anything about you. They just want to fit people into a narrative that’s convenient for them.”

Their parent’s car pulled up outside the church. “We’ll talk later,” Alfred said.

When their father asked them how their pre-confirmation meeting went, both Alfred and Matthew lied and said it went well. They would be ready to get confirmed and commit themselves to living out a Christian life that Sunday.

On the way home, the oldies station his parents listened to started playing a Beatles song. Alfred had heard a Beatles compilation CD at Lovino’s house, since his parents were less controlling of the music he listened to than Alfred’s were, but he hadn’t heard this particular song before. Based on the pronouns, the song was about a woman, but some of the lyrics seemed strangely applicable to Alfred’s situation.

_Everywhere people stare_

_Each and every day_

_I can see them laugh at me_

_And I hear them say_

_Hey, you've got to hide your love away_

_Hey, you've got to hide your love away_

Alfred felt like crying, even more so when his mother frowned and switched the radio station. “I never liked that band, especially after they said they were more popular than Jesus. My parents burned all their albums after they did that.”

His father nodded and glanced towards the back seat through the rearview mirror. “That John Lennon was too full of himself. It would be better for you boys to listen to good Christian music than to be influenced by unholy messages.”

His mom had changed to a contemporary Christian station. The song about God’s infinite love and mercy wasn’t one Alfred could relate to, but he didn’t let himself show anything but boredom as he stared out the window at the scenery blurring past him.

As scheduled, Alfred and Matthew participated in the confirmation ceremony that Sunday. His parents were proud, and they even took pictures of them. Alfred never felt like more of a liar or a hypocrite than he did that day, but God didn’t strike him down in the church. He wasn’t sure if that was proof of God’s mercy or proof that He wasn’t there at all.

* * *

In ninth grade, the twins were permitted to go to their first high school party. They told their parents that of course there would be parental supervision, but before their mom dropped them off, she instructed them to call if they saw drinking, drugs, or fornication. As good Christian boys, they needed to stay away from that kind of temptation.

Michelle’s parents were there, but they trusted the kids to have free reign of the living room. Everyone drank soda, not alcohol, and Alfred didn’t see anyone using illegal substances. His parents had nothing to worry about.

Eventually, someone got the brilliant idea to play seven minutes in heaven. Matthew and Katya didn’t participate, since they had recently started dating and had agreed they didn’t want to kiss other people. The participants would be selected by spinning a bottle, though of course, people would get additional chances to spin if they landed on someone of the same sex. No one here was a homo, and it would be gross to be forced to make out with another dude.

Alfred didn’t want to make out with Chris, but he still felt bad, or as John Lennon would say “two-foot small,” that the idea of two guys kissing was so repulsive it couldn’t even be acknowledged. Lovino was glaring at a random spot on the ground, and Alfred felt a tiny flicker of hope that maybe Lovino wasn’t as straight as he seemed. Maybe comments like that made him feel bad too.

Lovino spun the bottle towards Emma, a sophomore Lovino had mentioned from his cooking class, and there were catcalls as they disappeared into the hallway closet for seven minutes. After the longest seven minutes of his life, Lovino and Emma re-emerged. Lovino blushed as Emma blew a kiss towards him before sitting back down in the circle, and the tiny of flicker of hope Alfred had felt earlier was extinguished by the harsh winds of reality.

Alfred knew that some people liked boys and girls, but he didn’t think Lovino was one of them.

The game didn’t hold much interest for Alfred. No one really knew what people did in the closet, and he didn’t care much about his classmates possibly kissing or hooking up, especially when he didn’t know the names of many of the people in the circle.

Some of the people had to spin twice, and Mei was one of them. She looked uncomfortable when Chris, the boy who had said two guys kissing was gross, commented that it would be really hot if she and Liên kissed right then.

“The people are supposed to kiss in a closet, baka,” Kiku told him. “If you hadn’t made the rule Mei had to spin again, you wouldn’t have seen anything anyway.”

Liên gave Chris one of her trademark death glares. “You’re a hypocrite and a pervert. If you weren’t, you would have kissed Magnus in front of all of us.”

Chris sputtered indignantly, and several people laughed at him, including Lovino and Magnus, who high-fived Liên for her comeback. Alfred hid a grin behind his hand.

Mei spun a second time, and the bottle landed on Alfred. Alfred stared up into her eyes, ignoring the whoops and hollers around them. Mei looked wide-eyed and nervous, but Alfred wasn’t a mind reader. She could have been nervous because she didn’t want to kiss him, but she also could have been nervous because she did want to kiss him. Alfred had no idea.

They stood up simultaneously. Alfred’s feet felt heavy as he followed Mei out of the living room, wondering how the hell he could get out of kissing her. He didn’t want to hurt Mei’s feelings, but his parents had been pressuring Alfred for years, “subtly” indicating that he should kiss her, or at least feel some desire to do so. But in all his life, the only person he had ever wanted to kiss was Lovino. Alfred knew he wouldn’t feel the exhilaration he had felt from a two-second kiss when he was six years old with anyone else.

Mei opened the door without saying anything, and Alfred followed her inside.

The hall closet was surprisingly roomy. They had room to sit cross legged, which was probably helped by the fact Mei wasn’t even five feet tall. Her legs didn’t take up much room, especially compared to Alfred’s.

The atmosphere in the closet was awkward. Mei and Alfred looked everywhere but at each other. Mei tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and Alfred fidgeted with the WWJD bracelet he had gotten from Bible camp that summer.

Mei broke the silence. “I don’t want to kiss you.”

Alfred finally looked up at her and gave her his best comforting expression. Mei looked afraid, but she had no reason to be. “I don’t want to kiss you either.”

Mei let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God! I haven’t had my first kiss yet, and I want it to be special. Not that you aren’t special, but it’s just... ugh, you get what I’m saying, right?”

Alfred smiled a little. The way she was waving her hands around frantically reminded him of Lovino and his brothers. “I get it. You don’t see me that way. I don’t see you that way either.” He was glad he wouldn’t have to hurt Mei’s feelings by turning her down.

“Exactly. Party games like this are so weird.”

“They are. I hate how it makes people feel pressured to kiss people they don’t want to.” He frowned, thinking of what Chris had said before Mei spun the bottle a second time. It was pretty gross of him to treat Mei and Liên like they were nothing more than objects built for his entertainment. A lot of guys didn’t respect girls the way they should have, and it was pretty messed up.

Mei looked down, and her voice sounded sad all of a sudden. “Alfred, if I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone else? Not even Matthew?”

“Of course,” Alfred promised softly. Whatever this was sounded really, really important.

Mei took a deep breath, and then she looked up at him with glassy eyes. “When the bottle landed on you, I was scared, even though you’re my friend. I was scared because I’m a lesbian, and I don’t want to kiss boys, even boys I’m friends with. I like Liên, but I don’t want to kiss her in front of a creepy boy for some dumb party game. I only want to kiss her if she wants to kiss me too.”

Alfred was struck by how brave she was. Both times he had come out to someone, he hadn’t been able to look them in the eye, but Mei was looking right at him.

“It turns out you and I have something in common. How you feel about Liên is pretty much exactly how I feel about Lovino.”

Mei stopped crying, and she grinned at him. “Lovino?”

“Yeah, Lovino.” For once, it felt good to admit that. “I’m not sure what exactly the deal is with me sexuality-wise, but I kissed Lovino for about two seconds when I was six years old, and I haven’t wanted to kiss anyone else since.”

Mei laughed. “That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard!”

“This was as part of a pretend wedding ceremony. Lovino was wearing this tuxedo he’d worn to his youngest brother Marcello’s christening, and I had a wedding gown made of bedsheets. His cousin officiated, and we exchanged Ring Pops at the altar.”

“Please tell me you have pictures of this! Or at least the Ring Pops stashed away in a sock drawer.”

The smile fell away from Alfred’s face. “I wish I could. My Ring Pop is in a landfill somewhere. My mom made me throw it away. She said boys aren’t supposed to marry other boys.”

Mei shuffled over to give him a hug. “No offense, but your mom sucks, Alfred.”

“None taken. My dad sucks too. Do your parents suck?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten the chance to tell them yet. I haven’t even told Kiku, but I think he suspects something.” Mei pulled away from the hug and sat back down, mouth twisting in discomfort. She seemed worried about telling other people, which Alfred could relate to.

“I haven’t told Kiku either. Maybe we should make a pact to tell him together.”

“Maybe. I think I need some time before I’ll feel ready to do that.”

Alfred sighed. “I think I need some time too.”

“What should we do with the rest of our time in the closet? We’re not gonna make out, obviously. Even in a closet.”

Alfred snorted at the irony of a lesbian and gay guy making out in a closet of all places. “Obviously. Maybe we should see if there’s anything interesting in here.”

When Magnus opened the door a couple minutes later, Mei was trying on a straw beach hat that was way too big for her. Alfred had draped a fuzzy scarf around his neck, and he had donned a pair of cat ears that must have been part of a Halloween costume.

Magnus rolled his eyes at them. “I think it would have been less weird to see you guys making out. Way less weird.”

Mei stuck her tongue out as she left the closet wearing the beach hat she had stolen. Alfred chuckled as he followed her, still wearing the fuzzy scarf and cat ears.

They sat back down in the circle, and someone else took their turn. Emma smirked at Alfred. “I like the cat ears.”

Alfred grinned genuinely. “Thanks.” He was feeling pretty generous at the moment, even if he was jealous of the way she and Lovino had been flirting earlier.

Kiku spoke to him quietly as someone else took their turn spinning the bottle. “I’m guessing you didn’t kiss Mei if you had time to try on cat ears.”

“Nah, we just talked a little. It was cool.”

“I’m glad that wasn’t too awkward for you.”

“I’m glad too.” Alfred glanced over at Mei, who seemed a little happier now. She had taken the hat off her own head and was encouraging Liên to try it on. The hat fit Liên better than it did Mei, and Mei obviously agreed judging by the beaming smile on her face as she said something Alfred couldn’t overhear.

 _I wonder if that’s how I look every time I talk to Lovino. If it is, no wonder people haven’t been surprised when they find out I like him_.

Alfred’s attention wandered towards Lovino, and it stayed there for a while. But before Lovino could notice Alfred staring at him, he quickly forced himself to look away. Mei shot him a sad smile that said she understood him without words. Alfred was glad he had told her.

Every time he had told people, it had gone well. Maybe he could tell Kiku soon, especially if Mei told him about herself too.


	4. Chapter 4

A month after the party, Mei decided that she was ready to tell Kiku. She was still scared, so Alfred offered to be there for her when she did it.

They arranged to meet up at Kiku’s house at a time when Lovino, Matthew, and the others would be conveniently busy doing other things. At first, it was just like a normal day at Kiku’s house. Kiku put on _Spirited Away_ , and they were all absorbed in the film.

After the movie, a nervous Mei turned towards Kiku and announced that had something important to tell him.

“I’m listening,” Kiku reassured her.

Mei took a shaky breath and glanced at Alfred, who nodded encouragingly. Mei forced herself to look Kiku in the eye. “I’m gay, Kiku. I don’t like boys. I like girls.”

Kiku smiled. “I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me that. You’re still like a sister to me, and I’ll support you 100 percent. This changes nothing between us.”

Mei cried a little as she flung her arms around Kiku. It reminded Alfred of how emotional he had been when he told Matthew. “Thank you.”

Kiku returned the hug. “Anytime.”

Alfred let them have their sweet little moment, but when they pulled away from the hug with happy expressions, he knew it was time. Alfred smiled tensely at Kiku. “Not to pile on, but I’ve got something to tell you too.”

“What is it, Alfred?”

Alfred didn’t know how to put it, so of course, he put his foot in his mouth and said it as awkwardly as possible. “I don’t know if there’s a word for this, but I’ve literally only liked one person in my entire life. A person who isn’t a girl.”

Mei snorted at him. Kiku smirked like he had known this all along. “Maybe you’re Lovino-sexual,” he said.

Alfred blinked at him uncomprehendingly. “You’re not weirded out I like guys? Or at least a guy?” That was his biggest worry when telling Kiku. Matthew was his brother, and Gilbert was way too old for him, so there was no way they would assume Alfred had a thing for them. But Kiku could have, and he knew a lot of guys would have felt grossed out by the possibility of their male friend liking them, even if that wasn’t true.

“I don’t see why I should be. Even if you did like me that way, it would be flattering, not a reason for me to be ‘weirded out.’ I think Lovino-kun would feel the same way.”

“You’re pretty cool, bro. No homo.”

Mei laughed. “No homo. He sounds like a straight frat boy.”

Kiku smiled. “At least no homo directed at me, right?”

Alfred laughed. “Right.” Telling Kiku had gone a lot easier than he’d thought it would.

Alfred still wasn’t ready to tell Lovino, because telling Lovino he was gay would pretty much entail telling him that he was in love with him and always would be. So when Mei decided to come out to the entire lunch table a couple weeks after telling Kiku, Alfred was supportive, but he stayed silent.

Everyone had the right reactions to the news, and secretly Alfred was relieved. He paid close attention to Lovino, who sheepishly promised to stop flirting with Mei the way he had stopped flirting with Katya after she started dating Matthew. If he had ever made her uncomfortable, he hadn’t meant to, and he was sorry.

“We’re fine, Lovino. You’ve never creeped me out the way guys like Chris have. And I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it. You’re Italian. Flirting’s practically in your DNA.”

Lovino smiled at her in a way that could have easily charmed a girl who wasn’t a lesbian (or Alfred). “Whatever you say, bella.”

Mei shot Alfred an amused look, and the rest of lunch proceeded as normal.

Liên had a different lunch block from the others, so she hadn’t been there when Mei came out to her friends. But Mei must have told her privately at some point, because a few days after she told everyone else, Alfred and Lovino saw the pair walking down the hallway hand in hand.

They kissed by Liên’s locker, confirming Alfred’s suspicions. Liên smiled shyly afterwards, and Mei smiled and teased Liên by telling her how cute she looked when she blushed.

“I guess Mei’s got a girlfriend now,” Lovino said. “Good for her.”

“Yeah,” Alfred said softly. “Good for her.” He wanted to be like that with Lovino someday. He wanted to kiss him in the middle of a hallway, tell him how adorable he was, and not care what anyone thought.

Lovino nudged him. “Come on, you big softy. Our next class is on the other side of the building.”

“Right. We should go.” Alfred collected his geometry textbook, and he walked with Lovino down the hallway side by side, but not hand in hand like they had when they were little kids. He chuckled as he imagined some asshole jeering about how they were boyfriends and Lovino flipping him off, calling the guy some creative, vulgar insult in Italian, and kissing Alfred right in front of the homophobe. He could see Lovino acting like that if they were together. He wouldn’t give a shit what some pea-brained jerk thought of them.

“I’m assuming whatever is going on in your own head is amusing,” Lovino commented, glancing up at him.

Alfred hummed casually. “It is.”

“You’re not gonna tell me what it is?”

“Maybe later.” If later meant on the non-existent future day they were actually together, then sure.

Lovino scoffed as he opened the door to their classroom. “You’re such an asshole sometimes.”

Alfred smiled as he followed Lovino into the classroom. “But you love me, right?” He kept the question at a low volume. Devon was in this class, and he’d backed off on the bullying after eighth grade, but Alfred didn’t want it to start up again.

Lovino’s face turned red, and he narrowed his eyes at Alfred as he sat down at his desk. “Don’t ask stupid questions, Fredo.”

Alfred was beaming as he slid into the seat next to Lovino’s and waited for class to begin. He knew Lovino, and he knew that meant yes. Maybe it wasn’t the kind of yes he secretly yearned for, but it was good enough for now.

* * *

The rest of ninth grade passed without too much trouble. Summer was fine, and so was September. But in October, about a week before the homecoming dance, his mom asked him if he was planning to attend the event in the middle of Sunday dinner.

“Not sure. I’ll have to check with Lovino and Kiku. If they have dates, I might do something else. It would suck to be the third wheel.”

“Why don’t you ask out that nice Asian girl you know, Mei? She would be a good fit for you.”

“She’s dating someone else. They’ve been together for almost as long as Katya and Matt, so it’s pretty serious. She’s not gonna go on a date with me.” He carefully avoided mentioning that the person Mei was seriously involved with was another girl. He knew his mom would probably freak out about that, and he didn’t want to deal with his parents’ homophobia in the middle of what was supposed to be a pleasant family meal.

His dad gave him a serious look. “Son, be honest. Do you even like girls?”

Matthew’s bite of mashed potatoes froze halfway en route to his mouth. Alfred stared at his father, horror mounting at the grim expression on his face.

He laughed to cover up his fear. “Of course I like girls. What kind of ridiculous question is that?” Maybe if he lied well enough, he could get through the rest of dinner.

No such luck. “Well, you’ve never dated a girl,” his father pointed out. “You’ve never mentioned any girls you like. I know you had some minor trouble with bullies in elementary school, but you’re past that now. Joining the school baseball team should have made you more popular.”

There was more his father didn’t know. He didn’t know that a few girls had asked Alfred out, but he had come up with fake reasons to turn them down every time. He was scared of people realizing he was gay, but he didn’t think it was fair to string along some poor girl who would assume her boyfriend was actually attracted to her.

His mother nodded, and a miserable expression crossed her face. “There was that strange incident when you were younger. When you pretended to marry another boy.”

Alfred was too hurt by that to respond, but luckily Matthew did it for him. “Alfred and Lovino were six, and they were playing a game. That’s hardly evidence of anything.”

Their mother dismissed Matthew’s comment with a flick of the wrist. Alfred hated when they did that, when they acted like Matthew wasn’t even there just because he was quiet and well-behaved. He knew it must have made Matthew feel insignificant. “Still, your father and I are concerned,” she continued. “We’ve been concerned for a long time.”

“You don’t have a reason to be concerned about me,” Alfred insisted.

His father ignored what he said. “Your mother and I have consulted with Pastor Tim, and there are some wonderful programs available. Christian counseling, and even retreats for young people who struggle heavily with this problem. We can get you the help you need before it’s too late.”

Alfred stood up from his chair. “I’m not sick! I don’t need therapy, and I don’t need to go to some fucking pray the gay away camp!” The knowledge that there was nothing wrong with him had been hard-won, and he wasn’t going to let some quack take that away from him with therapy designed to make him feel guilty for being in love with his best friend.

If he was sick, then so were Mei and Liên. So were Gilbert, Erszébet, and countless other people who were trapped in the closet just like he was. Considering himself worthy of condemnation would have meant condemning other people he cared about, and Alfred couldn’t do that.

“Alfred, sit down!” his mother yelled. “Quit using foul language, and quit disrespecting your father!”

 _Maybe my father should quit disrespecting me_. But Alfred couldn’t say that. He forced himself to take a deep breath and sat back down.

“I apologize for yelling,” he said dully. “I let my frustration get the better of me, and that was wrong.”

His father sighed. “I accept your apology.”

His mother smiled weakly at him. “Your dad and I love you, Alfred. We love you so much, and we only want what’s best for you.”

The most horrible thing was that he could tell that they _did_ love him in some twisted, fucked up way. His mom was on the verge of tears, and his father looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept in days because of this very issue. But they were also so deluded that they thought the best thing for him was therapy that would amount to emotional torture. They may have loved him, but they couldn’t accept him for who he was.

Alfred had no choice but to lie. “There… um, there actually is a girl I’m interested in. I like her a lot, but I feel so nervous around her. It’s hard to tell when a girl likes you back, you know? That’s why I haven’t asked her out yet.”

His mother smiled hopefully. “That’s wonderful news, Alfred.”

His father still seemed a little skeptical. “You should ask her out before some other boy does. You don’t want to miss your chance.”

“I will,” Alfred promised. “Maybe not to the homecoming dance since she might already be going with someone else. That’s kind of a lot of pressure for a first date. I guess we’ll have to see.”

The dinner conversation was much more pleasant after that. Alfred finished dinner, but his mom’s pot roast sat like a lead weight in his stomach. And he _loved_ his mom’s pot roast.

That night, before they went to bed, Matthew interrogated his brother.

“Who are you planning to ask out? Mom and Dad are going to want to meet her at some point.”

“I honestly have no clue,” Alfred admitted. “If I hadn’t told them Mei was with somebody, I might have tried asking her to play my beard. But she wants to go to the dance with her girlfriend, and I can’t drag her back into the closet with me. I can’t do that to Liên either.”

“It wouldn’t be fair to ask out a straight girl. I understand you haven’t got a choice, but I don’t want you to hurt someone who really likes you.”

“I know. I don’t want to hurt anyone either. But right now, I can’t see a way to avoid it.”

* * *

The next day, Alfred carefully watched all his female classmates, trying to see if he could find anyone to ask out on a date. Hopefully, after the date, she would agree to be his girlfriend long enough for his parents to be reassured of his straightness.

She had to fit certain parameters. He needed to know her well enough to fit his cover story, but not so well that he should have theoretically asked her out earlier, like Mei. She couldn’t be anyone who he had previously said no to, and he would prefer not to date one of Lovino’s or Kiku’s ex-girlfriends if he could avoid it. Hopefully, she wouldn’t be too anti-gay, because Alfred wanted to tell her the truth before she started to develop serious feelings for him. Most importantly, she had to be single.

By his final class period, Alfred was running short of hope. He still didn’t know who he could ask out in order to fool his parents. He went to his astronomy club, which met after school on Mondays, and resolved to put the matter out of his mind for now. He didn’t want his problem to taint one of his favorite past times.

Halfway through the club meeting, he realized he could ask out Natalya, Katya’s little sister. He didn’t know Ivan or Natalya that well since they were a year younger than Katya and tended to stick with friends in their own grade, but she fit all of his criteria and wasn’t objectionable in any way. Kateryna had reacted well to Mei and Liên, so hopefully Natalya wouldn’t be homophobic when Alfred told her what was really going on.

When the club meeting ended, Alfred jogged to catch up with her. “Hey, Nat, I was hoping to talk to you about something.”

“What is it? You don’t usually speak to me outside the club.” Alfred winced at her accurate comment. This wasn’t going to be easy.

“I was wondering if you had a date to the dance. Or if you were available for dating, you know, in general. Because that’s what I want. To date you.” Wow, smooth, Alfred.

Natalya raised her eyebrows at him like she thought he was funny. “You’ve never asked someone out before, have you?”

Alfred shrugged sheepishly. “No.” Weirdly enough, he kind of liked when Natalya called him out on being a dumbass. Lovino did that all the time. In a parallel universe where he was straight and not hopelessly in love with his best friend, Alfred might have actually wanted to date Natalya. It was a surreal realization.

Unfortunately, they weren’t in a parallel universe, so he felt a twinge of guilt when Natalya finally cracked a smile at him. “You’re strange, but it’s oddly charming. I don’t have enough time to get a dress for the dance, but I’ll agree to go on a date with you.”

“Awesome! I’ll ask you out some time this week.”

They exchanged phone numbers, and Alfred was surprised by how easy that was. It shouldn’t have been that easy. Alfred kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The other shoe dropped the next day. Katya reported how Natalya had been confused yet pleased when Alfred asked her out after their astronomy club meeting, and Matthew kicked him directly in the shin using all the strength he had developed from playing hockey. Kiku and Mei were baffled, but they knew Alfred wasn’t out to Lovino or Katya, so they hid their confusion well.

After lunch, Alfred was grimacing as he applied ice to his bruised shin in the nurse’s office when Matthew entered in a storm of fury. “What the hell were you thinking?! I tell you not to hurt some innocent girl, and you decide you have permission to go deceive my girlfriend’s little sister! Are you deliberately trying to fuck up my life?!”

“Believe it or not, Mattie, not everything is about you! And not so loud, I don’t want everyone in the school to know.” His voice had dropped down to a murmur.

Matthew grunted in acknowledgment and sat down in a chair across from his brother. “Seriously, Al, why did you pick Natalya?”

“I needed someone I knew well enough to claim I had a crush on, but not so well Mom and Dad would get suspicious about why I didn’t ask her out earlier. And I saw how well Katya reacted when Mei and Liên came out. Hopefully, she and her siblings were raised that way, so Nat won’t hate me too much when I tell her what’s really going on. Which I’m planning to do soon.”

Matthew sighed. “Natalya can be really scary when she’s mad. She has an extensive knife collection. And Ivan might be a year younger than you, but he’s strong and has three inches and at least fifty pounds on you. He’ll beat you to death if you break his sister’s heart, just like he promised he’d do to me if I ever treated Katya badly.”

All of this news was disturbing, but Alfred tried to look at in the best possible light. “I don’t think I’m gonna break her heart. She seemed curious and confused when I asked her out. It didn’t seem like she’d been harboring a crush on me.”

“For your sake, I hope she hasn’t. You should tell her as soon as you can, probably on the first date. If you tell her early, I think she’ll be angry, but she won’t want to kill you.”

Alfred frowned down at his injured leg. “I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to ask out someone I don’t have any feelings for.”

“I know you didn’t. Once you explain it to her, I think she’ll understand. Katya’s family isn’t homophobic, from what I can tell. But I suggest you explain it to her soon.”

Matthew stuck around until Alfred felt well enough to hobble to his next class. But his ominous words hung over Alfred as he texted with Nat and they arranged to go to the movies Thursday evening. Since neither of them were old enough to drive yet, they would be dropped off at the theater by their parents.

* * *

On Thursday evening, Alfred’s mother kissed him on the cheek before she dropped him off at the curb. “I’ll pick you up later, honey.”

“See you later, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you too.” His mom sped off, and it didn’t take long for him to spot his date. She was leaning against the wall and texting on her phone.

Alfred walked over to her. “Hey, Nat.” He noticed that she was wearing a fancier dress than what she would typically wear to school. “You look nice.” Maybe Alfred should have dressed up too.

Natalya smiled at him as she slipped her phone into her purse. “You look nice too.” She took his arm and started leading him towards the line for movie tickets. “What film were you planning for us to see?”

Alfred laughed, feeling his anxiety spike. He had no idea how to date someone, much less someone he had only been getting to know for a couple of days. He didn’t know anything about Natalya’s taste in movies. “You know, I didn’t actually plan for that. Why don’t you pick?”

“Hmm.” Natalya looked up at the display board above the ticket booth and made her selection. “That one.” Her slim, pale finger had pointed towards _The Grudge_. Oh God, this date was going to be more of a disaster than Alfred thought.

“You like horror movies, huh?” Not really a surprise, considering her “extensive knife collection.” Hopefully, she wouldn’t want to re-enact a horror movie on him once he explained why he had really asked her out.

Natalya gave him a cold look. “Is that going to be a problem? You said I could pick whatever I want.”

“Nope, no problems here! Just, uh, fair warning, I’m probably going to be crying and clinging to you for the entire duration of the movie. That tends to ruin the experience for most people.” Lovino was the only one willing to watch horror movies with him anymore, a fact for which Alfred was much too grateful. He liked clinging to Lovino much more than he should have.

Natalya smirked up at him as they advanced in the line. “Stereotypically, the girl would be the one crying and clinging during the horror movie.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not a stereotypical guy.” _In a lot more ways than you know_.

“I know. I appreciate that about you.”

Natalya sounded fond of him, and that made Alfred feel like a total asshole. He couldn’t keep up this charade anymore.

“Natalya, before we go in there and watch the movie, I’ve got to tell you something first. But you have to promise you won’t stab me or scream.” He cast his eyes towards the parking lot, grateful that he couldn’t see his mother’s car anywhere. She was long gone, but Alfred didn’t want to do this in front of a crowd.

Natalya’s face went alarmingly blank. “That depends on what you have to tell me.”

Alfred steeled his nerves. _Well, here goes nothing._ “I’m gay.”

Natalya wrenched her arm away with a furious look on her face, just like Alfred had expected her to. “You’ve wasted my time! I’m not a guy! If you wanted to date a guy, you should have asked out my brother! He’s gay!”

Heads were turning in their direction, but Alfred didn’t have time to focus on them. Natalya was already stalking across the parking lot, and Alfred had to catch up to her before she could go spilling the beans to her sister or her overprotective, enormous, apparently _gay_ brother.

“Natalya, please! I had a good reason for doing this!”

Natalya whirled around to face him. “What good reason is there for toying with someone’s feelings, Alfred?! I thought you liked me, and I agreed to go on this date to see if we could be compatible. Not to be led here under false pretenses!”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Alfred looked away, overcome with shame. “This is why I said no before every time a girl asked me out. I didn’t want to drag an innocent person into my mess, but my parents forced me into a corner. I had no other choice.”

Natalya’s face softened. “Your parents don’t accept your sexuality. You need me to be your beard.”

“Just for a little while. Until they believe this is real and that I’m straight. Until they stop thinking I’m _sick_ and threatening me with conversion therapy.”

Natalya crossed her arms over her chest. “I can see that you’re in a desperate place. If our parents had been worse to Vanya, I hope someone would have helped him too.”

Alfred dared to step a little closer to her. “I don’t have much money, but I’ll pay you. Twenty bucks a week that you pretend to be my girlfriend. You can call it off the second you find someone you actually want to date.”

Natalya mulled the situation over. Alfred waited anxiously for her to decide.

Finally, she looked up at him.

“I think you owe me for tonight. Pay for our snacks and movie tickets, and I’ll pretend to date you.”

Alfred shook her hand and tipped an imaginary cowboy hat towards her. “You’ve got yourself a deal, partner.”

Natalya snorted and turned to walk back towards the theater. “Is that how you flirt with guys? By pretending to be a cowboy?”

“I don’t actually flirt with guys. Part of the whole being in the closet deal. Except for Lovino, but that’s usually by accident.”

“Lovino? Isn’t he the Italian boy who hits on everything in a skirt?”

Alfred grinned fondly. “Not _everything_ in a skirt. He doesn’t hit on lesbians, and he won’t hit on you, since he thinks we’re dating. I’ve been in love with him for about ten years now. Most of my friends know, but I haven’t told him yet. I’m not sure if I ever will.”

“You lead a very strange life. I was planning to set you up with my brother after this was over, but now I’m reconsidering. Vanya doesn’t need to be someone’s failed rebound.”

They got back in the line, which was shorter than before. Hopefully, they wouldn’t miss the movie Natalya wanted to see.

Alfred nodded in response to what she just said. “It’s probably not a good idea to set me up with anyone. Lovino’s the only person I’ve ever liked that way, and I don’t even know if I could like another guy. If anything, I should set you up with Lovino. I’m sure he’d be happy to date you.”

Natalya rolled her eyes. “I can arrange for my own dates. Hopefully, my next prospect will at least be attracted to women. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.”

Alfred laughed as they walked up to the booth and bought two tickets to see _The Grudge_. As promised, he paid for Nat’s Twizzlers and Coke, and he got a jumbo popcorn for them to share.

He was clinging to Natalya in sheer terror and screaming his head off at every little noise, but she seemed to find his reaction downright hilarious. Other than the complete lack of romantic spark between them, the date was oddly successful.

When Alfred’s mother pulled up to the curb, they shared a brief, chemistry-less peck on the mouth. It felt nothing like the one time he had kissed Lovino. Natalya wrinkled her nose afterwards like she smelled something distasteful.

Alfred smiled at her. “I’ll see you tomorrow at school, Nat.” They had agreed that she should start eating lunch with Alfred and his friends if he wanted Lovino to believe they were dating. Natalya could tell Katya and Ivan the truth in private.

She smiled warmly at him, feigning the impression of an infatuated girl very well. “See you then, Alfred.”

* * *

The next day, Natalya ate lunch with the rest of Alfred’s friends. Katya smiled sympathetically at Alfred when Natalya walked over towards the table. Natalya had obviously explained the situation to her sister last night.

Kiku and Mei looked worried, and they were doing a very poor job of hiding it. Liên didn’t know about Alfred, and she was friendly to the new girl in her usual quiet way. Lovino was his normal charming self, but he didn’t flirt with Natalya any more than he would have flirted with Mei. When Lovino’s attention was diverted, Alfred nudged her and gave her a look that said “I told you so.”

After lunch, Alfred held Natalya’s hand as he walked her to her next class. Holding Natalya’s hand was weird for him. It didn’t feel gross, and if anything, her hands were softer and less clammy than Lovino’s had been when they were little kids. But there were no butterflies in his stomach, no rapid heartbeat, none of the sensations that made holding hands worthwhile.

At the doorway to her classroom, Alfred kissed her cheek. They had agreed to limit PDA as much as they could, and a cheek kiss was affectionate enough to pass as something a boyfriend would give a girlfriend who wasn’t eager to play tonsil hockey in front of everyone. It felt purely friendly, which was probably how Alfred should have felt when he used to kiss Lovino’s cheek. Neither of them blushed, only exchanged awkward glances before Alfred had to head off to his next class.

It didn’t take long for Kiku to question him about why he was suddenly dating Natalya. When they were supposed to be partnered together for a speaking exercise in Spanish, Kiku hit him with a barrage of whispered questions.

“I’m so confused. Why are you dating Katya’s little sister? When did you even meet her? And I thought you liked Lovino-kun?”

Alfred glanced at the teacher, who was too busy grading papers to carefully watch her students. “I still like Lovino,” he murmured. “But my parents got suspicious and threatened me with conversion therapy. This is a stopgap measure to convince them I’m straight.”

Kiku’s eyes were filled with horror and sadness. “Alfred, I’m so sorry you have to go through this.”

“It’s okay. Nat knows the deal, and she’s agreed to help me out. I’m enjoying getting to know her. It turns out she’s a pretty cool person. But I wish I didn’t have to kiss her in front of my parents.”

Kiku frowned. “This situation is hardly ideal. It’s leading you further away from the things that could make you happy.”

Alfred scowled down at his worksheet. “I don’t get to have the things that make me happy. Maybe I’ll be able to come out in college, once I’m not living with my mom and dad anymore.” Alfred didn’t believe Lovino would ever reciprocate his feelings, but he didn’t think Lovino would hate him either, not after he had reacted so well to Mei and Liên’s relationship. Even if he couldn’t be with the person he loved, Alfred would be happier not lying to his parents and his best friend all the time.

“Someday, Alfred,” Kiku said. “I hope you’ll get to be happy someday.”

“I hope so too. You can explain things to Mei if you want. I know she must be confused.”

The next week, when Alfred saw Mei at school, Mei walked up to Alfred and gave him a hug without explaining why. Kiku had obviously explained things to Mei over the weekend. Alfred returned the hug and fought back the tears building behind his eyes. He wanted to cry so badly, but Lovino was there, and so was a hallway full of people who judge him for sobbing for no apparent reason.

Mei pulled away and gave Alfred a huge grin, like she was happy for him. Alfred managed to grin as well. Liên was confused when she took Mei’s hand, and Natalya was trying to comfort Alfred and to help when she took Alfred’s hand like a proud girlfriend would. Alfred appreciated her attempt to reassure him, but he wished he could have held Lovino’s hand instead.


	5. Chapter 5

Two weeks after he started pretending to date Natalya, Alfred’s parents wanted to meet her. They arranged an extremely awkward dinner between their families. The adults and the children were polite enough, but everyone except his parents seemed to sense how unnatural the whole thing was.

“It felt like I was stuck in some 1950s _Leave It to Beaver_ nightmare,” Natalya told him later. “Only I think your parents are actually more repressed than that.”

They had to spend some time at Alfred’s house to keep up appearances, but Alfred much preferred when they got to hang out at Natalya’s place. Her parents knew what was going on, so there was no pressure to act like they were a couple. Her mother knitted Alfred a scarf for Christmas, and her father served delicious Russian desserts with names he couldn’t pronounce. He was glad Katya and Matthew were actually together because otherwise he wouldn’t have had an excuse to hang around a welcoming family who didn’t care that he was gay after his arrangement with Natalya was over.

Ivan was a nice guy, even if he came off as a little intimidating at first. He bonded with Matthew over hockey and with Alfred over their goals to work in the field of aerospace engineering someday. Despite Natalya’s earlier comments about possibly setting him up with her brother, Alfred could tell that Ivan had no romantic interest in him. But it was nice to be friends with another gay guy who wasn’t totally out yet, because Alfred could relate to Ivan in ways he couldn’t always relate to other people.

Any vestiges of Alfred’s guilt were eliminated when he watched _The Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ with Natalya over Thanksgiving break. Katya, who knew about Alfred’s issues with horror movies, had volunteered to go Black Friday shopping with her parents, so it was just Alfred, Ivan, and Natalya in the house.

Predictably, Alfred jumped and screamed anytime Leatherface appeared on screen. By the middle of the movie he was clinging to the nearest person for dear life, and that person happened to be Natalya.

Ivan looked over at them in concern. “Natasha, does it not bother you to have Alik hugging you that way? Especially since you considered dating him at one point?”

Natalya shrugged. “I mostly agreed to go out with Alfred out of curiosity. Any romantic feelings I had for him died the instant he told me he was gay. I consider him a brother now. A brother I have to kiss sometimes, which is a bit strange, but…”

Ivan chuckled, and Alfred would have told Nat he thought of her as a sister too. Unfortunately, Leatherface was in the middle of killing someone, so all Alfred could do was scream at the television.

Their arrangement had a few hiccups, mostly based on the fact that Alfred didn’t want to be in this situation at all. He wasn’t disgusted by kissing Natalya or holding her hand, but she wasn’t the person whose lips he wanted to kiss or whose hand he wanted to hold. Every time he pulled away from a kiss at school or in front of his parents, Alfred would feel a little sad when he saw long, platinum blonde hair and dark blue eyes that reminded him of a frozen glacier. Some stupid, persistent part of his heart kept hoping he would see wavy dark brown hair with a rogue curl and hazel eyes that reminded him of the leaves in autumn. Blue eyes and platinum hair may have been right for someone, but they weren’t right for him.

“You look so sad every time you have to kiss me,” Natalya told him once. “You fake a smile for the others, but I can tell.”

They were alone in her bedroom, so it was safe for Alfred to cry into her lavender-scented pillow. “Every time I kiss you, I feel like I’m cheating on the love of my life.” He confessed everything, how he had kissed Lovino once when he was six years old and had never wanted to kiss anyone else. How if the world was fairer, if their parents weren’t such assholes and Lovino reciprocated his feelings, he would have never dreamed of kissing anyone else. He admitted the stupidest thing, that part of him still felt like he was married to Lovino, even if it had only been a stupid game when they were children and they had both been forced to throw away their wedding rings afterwards.

For what felt like an interminably long time, Natalya didn’t say anything. She ran her fingers through his hair like he was a scared child who needed his mommy to tell him the monster under the bed wouldn’t eat him. But the things Alfred was scared of were real, and Natalya didn’t lie and didn’t tell Alfred they weren’t.

Instead, she sighed. “I got into this to help you, but I only feel like I’m causing you pain.”

“It’s not you, it’s my parents. And me, because I’m not brave enough to stand up to them.”

“You are brave, Alfred. A lot of people in your position would have done something drastic by now.”

He knew what she meant. Suicide. “It’s not like I haven’t thought about it,” Alfred mumbled, hoping the pillow would muffle his voice. “But I always see this light, this glimmer of a better life on the horizon that keeps me from doing it. I’m just not sure how to get there.”

There were also a couple of people who made Alfred reconsider the wisdom of what he was doing. One was a new student to their school, a junior who transferred from the Catholic high school Lovino and Feliciano’s parents had considered but ultimately decided not to send them to. Feliks alternated between wearing male and female clothing, dated a boy, and spoke in an unusual blend of a Polish and Valley Girl accent. They didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of them, and they didn’t seem to care that some of the more close-minded students mocked them on a regular basis.

When he talked to them one day in the library, Alfred learned that Feliks also didn’t care too much about pronouns, and that they weren’t constrained by binary gender expectations.

“It’s like, whatevs, you know,” they said, flipping their shoulder length blond hair back in a stereotypically feminine manner. “I’m genderfluid, so sometimes I feel more like she/her, sometimes it’s they/them, and sometimes it’s he/him. I don’t care what other people call me as long as they’re being respectful.”

Alfred squinted, not sure if he totally understood what Feliks was saying. “So, basically don’t be like the people saying you’re a dude wearing a dress.”

“Exactly. Those losers need to take a chill pill. Like seriously, who cares if a guy is wearing a dress? It’s none of their business anyway.”

“Yeah.” Alfred thought of his mother and how horrified she had been that he was Lovino’s bride, but it’s not as if she would have accepted a wedding between two grooms. Nothing he had done that day could have pleased her, because Lovino was a boy and so was he. Apparently, two men getting married was still wrong, even if it was legal in the state of Massachusetts (a fact both of his parents had decried excessively after that decision was reached).

“Whatever you’re thinking about is obviously making you totally miserable,” Feliks said. “You should, like, focus on more positive stuff, ya know?”

Alfred didn’t know Feliks well enough to disclose any of his secrets, so there wasn’t a lot he could say. But he did have one question for Feliks that he hoped wouldn’t be too intrusive.

“How do you do it? How do you be yourself?”

Feliks smiled. “Unfortunately, I don’t have enough money to be Britney Spears, even if she does have a fabulous wardrobe.”

“That’s not what I meant. I mean… how do you just casually tell me you want Britney Spears’ wardrobe? Or even just wear the clothes that you do?”

“Like, are you looking for fashion advice? Because if you are, I’d totally ditch those jeans you’re wearing. They’re practically about to fall off your ass right now. Which I’m sure would excite someone, but probably not your girlfriend. You’d definitely look better if you went down a size, maybe two.”

Alfred sighed. He was starting to get frustrated with Feliks’s flippant attitude, but maybe his poor wording was to blame.

“Look, I’m sure you’ve gotten a ton of crap in your life. For the people you date, the clothes you wear, even the way you talk. That must have been hard for you to deal with.”

Feliks fiddled with the silver cross they wore on a chain around their neck. “There’s a reason I transferred in the middle of the year. I used to get picked on a lot, even by the nuns. Apparently, wearing the girls’ uniform was breaking the rules or whatever.”

“Didn’t that ever bother you?”

“Of course it did! But like, Al, you can’t let those dickweed losers get to you! Or else they win!”

Feliks hopped off the table they were sitting on. They planted their hands on Alfred’s shoulders and looked straight into his eyes.

“I’m getting, like, mondo weird vibes from all these questions you’ve been asking. Which I don’t understand, since I barely know you and what I do know would suggest that you’re a gender normative, heterosexual American white boy who’s had a life on easy street compared to a lot of people, including me. But maybe I’m wrong about that.”

Alfred glanced away. Feliks was wrong, at least about the heterosexual part, but he couldn’t say that to a virtual stranger. Even a stranger who was open about not being heterosexual or gender normative.

“If I am wrong, if you _are_ pretending to be somebody you’re not, then you’ve got to stop doing that!” Feliks shook his shoulders to drive the point home. “Otherwise, you’re basically just poisoning yourself slowly with society’s toxic crap.”

Alfred knew that. He knew that pretending to like Natalya wouldn’t make him happy in the long run. But he didn’t feel like he had another choice.

Feliks sighed and took a step away. “Look, I can’t tell you what to do. But I can ask you this: if you’re not being happy, and if you’re not being yourself, then what’s the point, really?”

Alfred didn’t have an answer as he stared searchingly at Feliks while they walked away. He only had more questions, but maybe that was the point of what Feliks had said. To make him question the farcical life he was living.

The other person who made him question his arrangement with Natalya was Lovino. Late in January, they were playing a video game in Lovino’s living room.

Lovino randomly brought up the topic while they were busy blasting zombies. “No offense, but I don’t understand the deal with you and Natalya. You started dating her out of nowhere, and now you’ve dated her almost as long as I dated Emma.”

There was a clipped tone to his voice, and Alfred might have wondered if Lovino was jealous, but he knew that wasn’t it. He glanced to the left, saw Mrs. Vargas watching them in the doorway, and turned back to face the screen again.

“I’m not sure what you mean. I like her. Why does it have to be more complicated than that?”

“It’s just weird. You’re dating, but you spend more time with me than you do with her.”

Feliciano had been sketching something and mostly ignoring Alfred and Lovino, but he suddenly decided to pipe up. “You hardly have room to talk. You spend more time with Fredo than your girlfriends. That’s why your relationships never last very long.”

Alfred’s eyes widened. He hadn’t realized. He had been so biased that all he had seen was girls who must have been blind. Why else wouldn’t they want to hold onto the boyfriend anyone would be lucky to have? Lovino wasn’t the type of guy who would intentionally neglect a girlfriend, but had he been prioritizing Alfred over the girls he dated? If he had been, what did that mean? 

He looked at Lovino, who was scowling as he jabbed at the controller. “Shut up, Feli.”

“Don’t you have a girlfriend right now? Michelle? When did you last spend time alone with her?” Feliciano was needling Lovino over what was obviously a sensitive subject.

Lovino whirled around to face his little brother. “I told you to shut up!” he hissed. He glanced at Alfred, and then he looked at his mom. Lovino couldn’t seem to decide who he didn’t want to hear this conversation less.

Alfred was completely distracted, and by the time he started paying attention to the video game again, Lovino wasn’t much better. They quickly lost the round, and Mrs. Vargas walked off with the basket of laundry she was holding, apparently deciding there was nothing for her to see.

Lovino stretched his back and stood up. “I’m gonna get a soda. You guys want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks.” Feliciano also indicated that he didn’t want anything from the kitchen.

Alfred’s gaze lingered on Lovino as he left the room. He couldn’t help it. Sometimes, the longing he felt for his best friend spilled out of his being, but always in controlled ways, ways Lovino was too oblivious to notice. That doesn’t mean other people couldn’t.

A cough drew Alfred’s attention, and when he glanced back at Feliciano, he was looking at Alfred with raised eyebrows. Feli was almost 14 years old now, and that was definitely old enough to pick up on subtext he might not have noticed a few years ago. Alfred sheepishly gazed at the Vargas family’s Berber carpet.

The sound of a pencil scratching across the paper started up again. Feli was sketching with a content smile on his face like nothing had happened. Alfred warily watched him.

After a pause, Feliciano spoke. “It’s okay,” he murmured, well aware Lovino was in a nearby room and could come back any moment. “I don’t mind. I don’t think Lovino minds either.”

“You don’t?” What did that mean, Lovino didn’t mind? Was he just weirdly cool with Alfred feeling that way about him, or was he like Alfred in some way? Was it even possible that Lovino could feel the same way?

Feliciano looked up and shook his head. He was smiling, but Alfred didn’t know if that was just Feli’s perpetually cheerful disposition, or if he was smiling for a reason. “I really don’t.”

Lovino returned to the room a few seconds later, and that ended any potential conversation between Alfred and Feli. But Feli’s ambiguous statements stayed with him for a long time. If Alfred had a real chance with Lovino, this fake relationship with Natalya seemed even more pointless. He had to keep convincing his parents he was straight, but Alfred would have willingly thrown rationality out the window for Lovino. For now, Alfred had no idea what to do.

* * *

The decision of what to do about his relationship with Natalya was made for him not too long after that, a week before Valentine’s Day. When Alfred jokingly asked what a good boyfriend would get her for Valentine’s Day, Nat’s expression turned guilty.

“You don’t have to get me anything. I was actually thinking we should break up.”

Alfred had expected this would happen sooner or later, and he couldn’t say that it hurt, but he was mildly disappointed at the abrupt ending. The arrangement had worked pretty well from his perspective, and he still had years before he could safely come out to his parents. His fear would have let him date Natalya forever, but he knew that wasn’t good for either of them.

Alfred tried to be happy for his friend instead of selfishly worrying about how this would impact him. “You met somebody?”

Natalya nodded with a pleased smile on her face. She blushed, which hadn’t happened in the entire duration of her arrangement with him. Apparently, Nat was shy when she actually liked someone. Alfred hadn’t known that about her.

“What’s he like?”

“It’s actually not a boy. It’s a girl. Erika Zwingli.” Alfred’s surprise must have shown on his face, because before he could respond, Natalya was softly chuckling at him. “I know. I was surprised too.”

Alfred recovered enough from his shock to smile at her. “I’m glad for you, Nat. I just want you to be happy.”

“Erika makes me very happy. She’s adorable and sweet, and you think she’d be scared of someone like me, but she isn’t. I’ve gotten to be good friends with her. Erika’s older brother is very protective of her, and I need to earn his trust before I can date her. I can’t do that and keep pretending to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re right. You can’t.” Alfred wished he only had to contend with an overprotective sibling or parents. Lovino’s siblings liked him well enough, but his parents would never let them be anything more than friends. Alfred’s parents wouldn’t allow that either.

Natalya frowned apologetically at him. “I’m sorry. I know this only makes things harder for you.”

Alfred shook his head. “It’s okay. You’ve got a chance to be happy, and you should go for it. My situation’s still really complicated, but I think you helped.” They had dated for about four months, and that was long enough for his parents to believe the relationship was real.

Natalya leaned forward to give him a hug. “You were a good fake boyfriend, Alfred. Hopefully, you’ll get the chance to be a good real boyfriend someday.”

The next day, Alfred told his friends that he and Natalya had broken up. With her permission, he gave some vaguely true details (she had started to like someone else) and added some more information that would bolster his cover story for Lovino: they just weren’t right for each other, and the breakup wasn’t completely one-sided. Alfred agreed that he and Natalya were better off as friends.

Lovino had been concerned at first, but he was calm after Alfred had explained what happened. “I didn’t want to say anything while you were together, but I sensed something was missing in that relationship. I couldn’t put my finger on what, but it makes sense now.”

Lovino’s reaction was much better than his parents. His mom and his dad had insisted on “comforting” him, even after Alfred had told them that wasn’t necessary.

“Sometimes relationships don’t work out, but that doesn’t have to mean you’ll never get another chance.”

Alfred barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I know, Dad. I’m gonna be okay.”

His mother insisted on hugging him. “You’ll meet another girl someday. A girl who _is_ right for you. Your heart might be broken right now, but you just have to give yourself time to heal.”

“That’s what I’m planning on doing.” He grimaced at Matthew over their mother’s shoulder, and Matthew mirrored his expression. They both knew Alfred wouldn’t “find the right girl” unless Lovino unexpectedly declared that he was a girl, and they knew Alfred wasn’t heartbroken over his breakup with Natalya.

A few weeks later, Natalya had started dating Erika, and she introduced her to the others as her girlfriend. Alfred was upbeat when he was introduced to her, and Lovino commented that Alfred was taking it well.

“You don’t seem jealous at all.”

Alfred shrugged. “I just want Nat to be happy. Erika makes her happy, so I’m gonna support that.”

What Lovino didn’t know was that Alfred was jealous, but not in the way he imagined. He was jealous of the way they could openly hold hands and the way they could refer to each other as their girlfriend without fear or shame. He was jealous that Erika’s brother Basch could be convinced to let her date who she wanted to. He was jealous of Feliks and Tolys, and he had been jealous of Mei and Liên for even longer. When Ivan decided to start coming out to people at school, Alfred was jealous of him as well, even though Ivan remained single. He was jealous of everyone who felt free to be themselves, because after all this time, part of him knew he couldn’t be, not while he was living under his parent’s roof and financially dependent on them.

Part of Alfred was relieved he no longer had to pretend with Natalya, but he felt like screaming when his parents found out she had a girlfriend. Bisexuality was a foreign concept to them, so they lamented that she had “deceived Alfred” and “given into a lesbian lifestyle.” While their mother was tutting about where the Braginskis had “gone wrong” with Ivan and Natalya and their father was talking about their parents being “too lenient,” Matthew and Alfred both felt like screaming. Matt was naturally close to his girlfriend’s parents, and Alfred could have been a lot happier if his parents had been “lenient” enough to let him say he was gay without immediately threatening conversion therapy.

Since they couldn’t scream, Alfred and Matthew left the room. It was better than listening to anything their mother or father had to say.

* * *

There were certain people Alfred never expected to come out of the closet. Devon and his friends, because they had built a lot of their public reputation on being straight and homophobic. Any of the Vargas children, because Alfred still remembered how Mr. and Mrs. Vargas had reacted to his and Lovino’s innocent childhood game and how they had closely monitored him and Lovino afterwards.

So the first day of his junior year, when Feliciano walked into the high school beaming as he held a blushing Ludwig’s hand, Alfred’s jaw practically fell to the ground. He’d thought once or twice about how Feliciano had reacted to being told he couldn’t play wedding with Ludwig by bursting into tears. Ludwig and Feliciano had been cuddly for as long as he and Lovino had, probably up until the point their peers started giving them crap for it. Ludwig got flustered practically every time Feli looked at him, and Feli had been nonchalant last year when he caught Alfred staring at Lovino with blatant longing.

Alfred wasn’t shocked at the idea of Feli liking a guy, especially Ludwig. But he was shocked at Feliciano being open about it.

Lovino rolled his eyes at Alfred. “Close your mouth, idiota. You’ll catch flies that way.”

Alfred managed to close his mouth by the time Feli and Ludwig walked up to him. Feliciano was nearly bouncing, and Alfred noticed a girl snickering to her friends in the background. Probably some homophobic joke about Feli being “light in the loafers.” Alfred had heard his dad using that phrase much too often. Alfred shot a quick glare at the girl then turned his attention to Feliciano and Ludwig.

Feliciano was babbling a mile a minute, too fast for Alfred to understand everything he said. Something about how he had started dating Ludwig over the summer and was happier than he’d ever been now that Ludwig was his boyfriend. His _boyfriend_ , and he was so lucky to be with the most handsome, wonderful man in the world. He loved him so much.

Ludwig blushed heavily at the praise. “Ich liebe dich,” he told Feliciano. He had a timid, pleased smile on his face.

Feliciano stretched up on his tippy toes to kiss Ludwig’s cheek. “You’re the cutest thing in the world, patatino.” Feli no longer seemed to notice that Alfred and Lovino were there. Much less Matthew, who had walked up to Alfred’s locker to see what all the fuss was about.

“I’m happy for you guys,” Alfred said. “Congratulations.”

“Yeah, me too,” Matthew added.

Feli hugged him and Matthew, and then he spotted someone else he wanted to go tell. “I’ll see you guys later. Kiku!” He dashed off in that direction, pulling Ludwig along with him.

Matthew chuckled after Feliciano and Ludwig left. “Well, I can’t say I was expecting that to happen.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Alfred glanced over at Lovino, who was protectively watching his little brother as he flitted around further down the hallway. “Has he told your family yet?” he quietly asked.

Lovino nodded. “At a big family dinner last night. He’d told me and Marcello a week ago, but he wanted to get the rest of the family out of the way all at once, I guess.”

“How did it go?” Matthew asked.

Lovino released a harsh sigh. “Not well, but not as bad as it could have. He got support from some people, but there were aunts, uncles, and cousins who walked out of the room as soon as he said Ludwig was his boyfriend. Carmen and her husband Diego called Feli a disgusting pervert before they left.”

Alfred wanted so badly to hug Lovino, but they were in the middle of the hallway. He settled for putting his hand on Lovino’s shoulder. “And your parents? How did they take it?”

Lovino leaned inconspicuously into Alfred’s touch. “They didn’t kick him out of the house or tell him he was going to hell. But Mamma cried at the fact Feli might not give her biological grandchildren, and Babbo said stupid, offensive crap when Feli told everyone he’s bisexual. He asked him, ‘If you like girls, why don’t you have a ragazza? Why are you insulting us by bringing a man to our nice family dinner?’ I wanted to stab the bastard with a fork.”

Alfred kneaded Lovino’s tense shoulder. “I’m sorry, Vino. I wish your parents hadn’t treated him like that.”

Lovino trembled and squeezed his eyes shut. “I am so fucking tired of their shit! But Feli wants to live in denial and pretend everything is sunshine and rainbows, so I guess I have to let him.”

The warning bell rang before Alfred or Matthew could reply. Lovino groaned and turned to face the twins.

“I have to go to my art class. I’ll see you guys later.”

Alfred smiled sadly. Lovino’s gorgeous hazel eyes were filled with a sadness he couldn’t seem to shake. “See you later, Lovi.”

Lovino rushed off towards the art and music wing, and Alfred and Matthew headed in the opposite direction towards their English class.

“Is it just me, or was Lovino acting a little weird this morning?” Matthew whispered under his breath.

“What do you mean?”

“I know he was upset for his brother. I get that, but his anger seemed to be based on something else. More personal in a way, like he was the one getting attacked.”

Alfred shook his head. “Lovino is very protective of the people he cares about.” The message was clear: _don’t let me get my hopes up, Mattie._

“I guess we’ll have to see how he acts at lunch, eh?”

Alfred and Lovino shared a couple classes in between first period and lunch, but they didn’t get a chance to talk in them. It looked like they wouldn’t get a chance to talk at lunch either when Feliciano and Ludwig decided to sit down with them instead of with friends in their own grade.

“Everything okay with your friends?” Erika asked shyly.

Feliciano nodded with a big smile on his face. “Everything’s fine. I just felt like sitting with you guys today.”

Alfred exchanged a quick glance with Lovino. After what Lovino had told him earlier, Alfred wasn’t sure if he could believe Feli’s version of events.

“All of our friends have been kind and accepting,” Ludwig said. “There were a few rude comments from people we don’t know, but nothing Feliciano and I can’t handle.”

That seemed a little more realistic, more in line with what Alfred expected.

“How did your families react to the news?” Liên asked.

Ludwig broke out into a rare smile. “Gilbert was wonderful. He told me that he knew I was gay for a long time, but he was just waiting for me to tell him on my own terms. It only made our relationship closer.”

Lovino snorted. “The guy was pretending to officiate fake weddings between you and Feli when you were in preschool. You didn’t have anything to worry about from him.”

“Antonio was great!” Feliciano said. “He hugged me and Luddy and said he’d never been prouder of us.” That made sense. Alfred remembered how he had not only officiated the fake wedding between Alfred and Lovino but stood up to Lovino’s parents when they said he was irresponsible to let them play a game like that.

“I wasn’t expecting Antonio to weep into my shoulder and tell me he wanted to officiate our wedding someday, but the hug was nice,” Ludwig added.

“If only Tonio’s sister and his parents hadn’t been such jackasses to you,” Lovino muttered darkly.

Feliciano’s bright smile dimmed marginally. “Well, you can’t please everyone, right? Nonno was nice too. It turns out he’s bi, just like me, and I had no idea!” Feli laughed a little, but it sounded fake, like he was trying so hard to cling to any positive moment from the previous evening. Alfred felt bad for him.

“Nonno was afraid to tell his own children. And no wonder, given that some of them walked out on you. Dad asked him if he’d cheated on Nonna even though he’d been married to her for fifty goddamn years before she passed away.” Christ, that’s horrible. Their grandfather must have been really hurt by that.

Feliciano was no longer smiling. “Yes, that was an insensitive thing for him to say. But I’m trying to focus on the good things.”

Ludwig wrapped an arm around Feliciano’s shoulders. “Feliciano’s parents are still adjusting to the idea, but they’re trying to understand. In time, I think they’ll come around.”

Lovino let out a growl and slammed his carton of milk on the table. “Not like they haven’t had a fucking decade. Maybe in a century, they’ll be able to treat their own children with the bare minimum of decency.”

Children? Was this about more than just Feliciano? Lovino didn’t seem to realize what he had said.

Feliciano was pleading with his brother. “Lovi, it wasn’t that bad. Don’t make it sound worse than it was.”

“Not that bad?! Mamma cried, and not the way Antonio did! She was so caught up in what she had planned for your life that she never even considered the idea that you might not want a wife and children! When you were only four years old, that woman made you feel like you’d betrayed your religion, your family, and everything that mattered to you!”

Alfred understood all too well how Lovino felt. His own mother had made him feel like God hated him for wanting to marry his best friend, and Alfred still hadn’t overcome the damage from the nasty things his parents and the spiritual leaders he was supposed to trust had said about gay people. Both of his parents expected Alfred’s life to go a certain way, and they had pressured him into dating a girl to avoid getting sent away to a conversion therapy camp.

“But… but later, Mamma said some part of her had always known and that she wanted me to be happy! I know Papà said some offensive things to me and Nonno, which wasn’t good, but honestly? He reacted much better than I thought he would.”

Lovino’s face went a deathly shade of white. Lovino had a notoriously short temper, and Alfred had seen him get angry before, but never like this. He didn’t look like he wanted to punch someone; he looked like he was seconds away from committing a homicide.

He stood up, slammed his hands on the table, and leaned threateningly over his brother. “Don’t you _dare_ defend our father to me. I was six years old when that piece of shit screamed that he didn’t raise me to be a ricchione. He raised his hand in the air like he was gonna hit me, and the only reason he didn’t go through with it was because Mamma would’ve walked out on him if she knew. He quoted Leviticus, spat at me, and told me I wouldn’t be his son if I ever kissed a boy again.”

Feliciano looked like a nuclear bomb had gone off. “Fratello, I was downstairs! I had no idea!”

Lovino leaned back. His eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “I know you didn’t. But now you do.”

Feliciano was weeping in Ludwig’s arms as Lovino stalked out of the cafeteria, but Alfred could barely process that. All he could think was that his best friend had gotten spat on and barely escaped a beating by his own father. The man who raised Lovino had called him a word Alfred had never heard before, and Lovino had taught Alfred a lot of Italian over the years, including words you shouldn’t say in polite company. Lovino had been concealing the pain of that incident for more than half of his life.

Matthew shoved at Alfred’s arm. “Go after him!”

“Right.” Alfred scrambled off the bench and ran out of the cafeteria to go find his friend.

When he found him, Lovino was curled up in the middle of the soccer field sobbing his heart out. Alfred pulled his unresisting body into a hug, and Lovino turned to cry into his shoulder.

“I hate him. I hate him so much.”

Alfred tightened his arms around Lovino. “Your father?” Alfred hated him too.

Lovino nodded. “And the potato bastard, because his family always supported him. I know it was hard for him to lose his parents when he was a toddler, but at least he didn’t have to go through this shit.”

Alfred sighed. “Yeah.” Ludwig was lucky, and so were Ivan, Natalya, Erika, and Mei. Liên had carefully avoided the topic of her parents, so maybe she wasn’t as lucky. Alfred didn’t know Feliks or Tolys well enough to ask them a personal question like that.

“I acted like a resentful jackass in there, didn’t I? I made Feli cry because I refused to let him be happy. My father warped me so much that sometimes I look in the mirror and can’t even recognize the person staring back at me.”

Alfred felt that way too, but this wasn’t about him. He carefully petted Lovino’s hair like he was a feral cat so unused to affection that he might hiss or scratch instead of purr. “I think he was crying because of what happened to you,” Alfred said. “I don’t know what the word ricchione means, but your father had no right to call you that.”

“It’s a derogatory Italian term for a gay man. My dad basically called me a faggot.”

Alfred shivered and kissed the top of Lovino’s head like that would fix anything. “I’m sorry he did that to you, baby. I would have protected you if I had been able to.”

“I know. You’ve been wanting to protect me since we were a couple of snot-faced kindergartners. Fucking idiot.”

Alfred laughed. “I fell in love with you the day we met. You were like this avenging angel, and you were prettier than a Disney princess, especially when you smiled. Still are, by the way.” Alfred hadn’t meant to confess his feelings, but he couldn’t regret what he had said. He had finally told Lovino the truth he had been hiding like it was a shameful secret, like the tenderest feelings he was capable of made him a monster. Alfred was finally free from the burden that had defined most of his childhood and all of his adolescence.

Lovino pulled his head away to peek up at him, but his hands were also gripping Alfred’s leather jacket tight enough to make the leather wrinkle under his white knuckles. Lovino’s face was blotchy, his eyes were bloodshot, and his lips were quivering. He looked as beautiful as he did the day Alfred married him, but he also looked scared to death.

“You can’t say things like that to me. You can’t tell me you’ve felt the _same way_ this entire time and expect me not to kiss the hell out of you!”

Alfred grinned at him. “Who said I was stopping you?”

“Stupido.” Lovino lunged at him, and their mouths met in a collision of teeth, tongues, and lips. Lovino’s tears mingled with Alfred’s delirious smile. It was messy and perfect, just like them. “Ti amo.”

“Ti amo,” Alfred agreed breathlessly.

Lovino kissed him again. And again. And again, until a whistle rang out in the distance. Before the track team could catch them in the middle of making out, Lovino wiggled off Alfred’s lap, stood up, and held his hand out for Alfred to take.

Alfred took his hand, and they returned to the school building. Their hands separated before too many of their classmates could see them, but Alfred was in a blissful state for the rest of the day. He didn’t answer his mother’s questions about the grass stains on his jeans or the tardy he’d gotten during fifth period, and he wasn’t bothered by the fact he was sent to bed without dinner. He told Matthew why he’d been absent for so long during lunch before he said his evening prayers, and Matthew quietly congratulated him. When Alfred prayed that night, he didn’t ask God for anything, because he didn’t need anything. He thanked God repeatedly for Lovino’s existence before his head hit the pillow. _Thank you, thank you, thank you_.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explicit mentions of underage sex happen in this chapter. It's just a few lines, but I feel it's important in terms of honestly depicting Alfred and Lovino's relationship.

Alfred and Lovino’s relationship was clandestine by necessity. They didn’t hold hands or kiss at school, but not out of any aversion to holding hands or kissing in front of other people. If they went public with their relationship, students would gossip, and that gossip could spread to Alfred’s parents. That wasn’t a risk Alfred was willing to take, and after explaining how his parents had threatened him with conversion therapy only a year ago, Lovino agreed that they needed to be discreet. Alfred’s own parents were a threat to him.

Their close friends knew, and they agreed not to spread the information around. When Alfred or Lovino were at one of their friend’s houses, they could cuddle like a normal couple would. After a decade of pretending they were only friends, they were one of the clingiest couples around. Even clingier than Ludwig and Feliciano, who weren’t afraid of holding hands or kissing at school.

They went on dates, but they were careful. Alfred would put his arm around Lovino in the middle of a dark movie theater, and they’d share a milkshake they bought in a diner in the next town over where nobody knew their names. Sometimes, Alfred would drive his old pickup truck out to the middle of nowhere, and they’d gaze at the stars, or Lovino would sneak out at two a.m. to go see Alfred for a few hours and then sneak back home with the first rays of dawn.

They told each other everything they had been afraid to before, and Alfred discovered that Lovino’s experiences hadn’t been too dissimilar from his own. Lovino had also mourned the loss of his strawberry Ring Pop, and he had been so nervous to marry Alfred because he’d thought of the idea before that day. He had been deliberately teasing Alfred that day they played Twister. Lovino was bisexual and had been genuinely attracted to the girls he dated, but he had exaggerated that part of himself because that was the part that made his parents proud of him. Neither his mother nor his father would be proud of him for liking guys. He had secretly been relieved when Katya had started dating Matthew and Mei had come out, because that meant he no longer had to flirt with them. He could still be seen as a “ladies’ man,” but a ladies’ man who had enough respect to not flirt with girls who weren’t interested in him. None of his relationships had worked because none of his relationships had been with Alfred. Some part of him had always been in love with the dumbass who had gotten stuck in time out with him in kindergarten and decided they were best friends after only speaking for one minute, and Lovino hadn’t been able to let that go even if his parents and his priest thought he should.

Their new emotional closeness was rapidly followed by new physical closeness. They kissed whenever they got the chance, and when they had enough privacy, their clothes would come off, and their hands and mouths would explore territory they had never explored before. It was more than ordinary teenage horniness. They had been starving for each other for so long, and now that they were finally together, they were insatiable.

Lovino was more experienced than Alfred, but they were both virgins the first time they had sex (or made love, as Alfred would say, because he was a cheesy dork who liked to over-romanticize everything). Lovino somehow managed to procure condoms and lube, and because they didn’t have enough money to pay for a hotel, Alfred drove them out to the same place they liked to stargaze. Alfred’s truck bed was much more uncomfortable than a real bed would have been, but Alfred had put down several blankets to make it better. By the time they were making love, neither of them cared about silly things like physical discomfort, the slim possibility of getting caught in the middle of the night, or the fact they would have to drive back to town before the sun rose. All they cared about was each other. Alfred was lying on his back, and he would have had a good view of the stars if he had cared to look, but Lovino was on top of him, and Alfred only wanted to look at the love of his life.

When they finished, Lovino pulled out of Alfred’s body, tied off the condom to keep it from leaking over their makeshift bed, and curled up against Alfred’s side. Alfred wrapped an arm around Lovino and grinned idiotically at nothing in particular.

Lovino traced random patterns over Alfred’s chest with his index finger. “I’m glad my first time was with you, tesoro. Ti amo.”

“I love you too.” Alfred shuffled down a little to kiss his forehead. “I’m pretty sure my voice is gonna be hoarse tomorrow. I did a lot of screaming just now.” There was a reason they had to drive out to the middle of nowhere to do this. When Lovino touched him, Alfred was no good at staying quiet. “You made me feel good in ways I didn’t even know were possible.”

Lovino’s face felt hot against his neck. He was probably blushing. “That’s… flattering. And kind of embarrassing, yet also a turn on. You confuse the hell out of me. I don’t know what to feel half the time.”

Alfred giggled. “But you love me no matter what, right?” He wasn’t fishing for an answer these days. He knew Lovino loved him. He just liked to hear him say it.

Lovino sighed and planted a kiss on the base of his throat. “Of course I love you. I’ll always love you.”

Alfred took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the country air and Lovino’s sweat. He was content and exhausted. He could’ve fallen asleep right there if circumstances didn’t dictate that he would have to drive back to town in less than an hour.

His mind wandered, and he contemplated the fact that what he had just done might, in some circles, be considered a sin. But he didn’t feel guilty like he used to for merely wanting this, and he didn’t think Lovino or him were bad people who needed to repent for expressing their love in a physical way. His entire life, he had been taught that a relationship with Lovino would be sinful, especially the sex part of it, but those teachings held no emotional power over him anymore. If he goes to hell when he dies, so be it. This will have been worth it.

Lovino made a soft noise of protest. “You’re thinking too loud. Stop it.”

Alfred chuckled. “Sorry, babe.” He ran his hand up and down Lovino’s side. “I just realized… if this is the only heaven I get, that’s good enough for me, you know? I don’t need anything else as long as I’ve got you.”

Lovino looked up at him. “I don’t need anything else either,” he whispered.

Alfred smiled warmly before leaning down to kiss him. His heart thundered loudly in his ears, and Lovino’s fingers slid through his hair. The kiss lasted only a moment, but it felt long enough to build an eternity on.

Lovino broke the kiss with a soft sigh. “We should probably head back before the sun rises.”

“I wish we didn’t have to. It would be nice to say good night and stay together.”

Lovino snorted. “You’ve resorted to quoting Beach Boys lyrics at me?”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“No. Not really. You’re not wrong. It would be nice to not have to sneak around like this.”

Lovino turned away to put back on his clothes, and Alfred stared at his boyfriend as he did the same. Lovino was beautiful in the moonlight, just like he was beautiful anywhere.

Alfred drove them back to hand with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand holding Lovino’s. He had gotten pretty good at driving one-handed these days.

After he pulled up to Lovino’s house, Lovino kissed him on both cheeks and on the lips for good measure. Alfred smiled and watched as Lovino scrambled up a tree to make sure he got into his bedroom safely. Alfred returned to his own room in a similar manner, and he had enough time to throw away the condom, hide the blankets, change into pajamas, and set his alarm a little earlier than normal the next morning.

Across the room, Matthew yawned and rolled over to look at his twin. “You stay out late again?”

Alfred grinned as he tucked himself in. “I did.”

“You realize you’ll only be able to get an hour of sleep?”

Alfred felt smug. He wiggled his toes a little in lieu of dancing around the room. “The sleep exhaustion is totally worth it, Mattie.”

Matthew closed his eyes. “I _really_ don’t want to know the details. But I’m glad you’re happy.”

The next morning, Alfred took a shower before anyone else woke up. He got ready for school and made sure to drink plenty of coffee at breakfast. The exhaustion set in during his afternoon classes, but he exchanged secretive smiles with Lovino during lunch and in every class they shared together. Alfred was happy, and nothing in the world could have changed that.

* * *

Alfred and Lovino had a plan for their future. They would attend the same college together, in a liberal city on the East Coast. Alfred would go for a degree in aerospace engineering, and Lovino would major in either art or history. They would room in the dorms together, and after a year or two of saving money from whatever jobs they could get, they would move into an apartment. Alfred would come out once he was in college and felt ready to deal with the consequences, and Lovino would do the same.

While he was still in high school, Alfred had to bide his time. After being with Lovino and knowing what it felt like to be truly happy, he couldn’t deal with being sent away to some conversion therapy camp or dating a girl he had no interest in. Being true to himself would mean possibly getting kicked out, and Alfred was only sixteen years old. He wasn’t even old enough to have the right of an adult to resist whatever therapy they might have tried to force him into, and he wasn’t old enough to be financially independent from his parents.

Lovino had never been threatened with conversion therapy, but he was also scared to come out to his parents. As months passed and turned into years, Lovino and Feliciano’s mother had gotten used to the fact that Feli was dating another boy. She sincerely apologized for the way she treated him when he was younger and for letting her hopes and dreams keep Feliciano from being his own person. She could see with her own eyes that Feliciano was happy with Ludwig, and at the end of the day, her child’s needs were more important than the beliefs that had been inculcated in her for her entire life. She no longer considered it a sin for her son to be with someone he loved, even if that someone was another man. She had a heart-to-heart with Feliciano, who had teared up and hugged Mrs. Vargas when she apologized and explained how her views had changed.

Lovino wasn’t scared of coming out to his mother, but his father was another story entirely. He didn’t say anything against Feliciano and Ludwig, but there was a cold look in his eyes whenever he saw them together. Ludwig and Feliciano felt uncomfortable around him, and they preferred to spend time at the Beillschmidt-Héderváry home instead. Feliciano had once admitted that he thought his father hadn’t tried harder to keep him away from Ludwig only because he assumed that their relationship and his bisexuality was a phase. Mr. Vargas assumed that Feliciano would settle down with a girl someday like Nonno had. Nonno Vargas had tried to explain that Feli liking both men and women would always be a part of him regardless of who he ended up with, but even a conversation with his own father wasn’t enough to sway Mr. Vargas’s opinion.

Feliciano was worried for his future. He had been in love with Ludwig in some form since they met in preschool. He couldn’t imagine ending up with anyone else, and he didn’t know if his father would accept him when he grew up and wanted to live with Ludwig and possibly marry him. Alfred could tell that Lovino had similar worries. His commitment to Alfred was implicit in every word and gesture when they weren’t having to hide what they were to each other. His eyes might occasionally linger on a girl (or, more rarely, on another guy), but Alfred was the only one who made Lovino’s nose wrinkle in that adorable way when he grinned. Lovino said sappy things to Alfred in Italian that he was too embarrassed to say in English, promising him his love and devotion forever, and for the sake of his own boyfriend’s pride, Alfred pretended that he didn’t understand every single word.

Both Lovino and Alfred wanted to be open with their relationship sooner rather than later, so they both got part-time jobs to save up money for their future together (and in the short term, to pay for their clandestine dates). Alfred and Lovino told their parents the jobs were something they could add to their resumes, and both sets of parents believed them and considered the boys responsible and mature for thinking about their futures at such a young age.

Alfred was a cashier at a grocery store. It wasn’t his dream position, but he liked interacting with people and was good with the customers. He started off at minimum wage, but he had been at the job long enough to receive a small raise, and Alfred was quietly proud of his accomplishment. Every time he got a monthly check, he was one step closer to living the life he wanted with Lovino.

One day as he was coming home from work, his mother asked him what he was planning to do about prom, which was a month away.

Alfred groaned. “Seriously, Mom? I haven’t even changed out of my uniform yet.” He wanted to go to his room, change into normal clothes, maybe play a video game, and send a sappy text to his boyfriend. Couldn’t he get a break for once in his life?

Apparently not. His father folded the newspaper he’d been reading and gave Alfred a stern glare. “You have to plan these things out in advance, Alfred. You’ll want to coordinate your suit with your date’s dress.”

His mother nodded. “You don’t want a repeat of what happened with Natalya.” There was a tinge of disgust as she said the name of Alfred’s “ex-girlfriend,” and Alfred felt like screaming. Even if his cover story had been true, Natalya wouldn’t have betrayed him by falling for someone else and ending their relationship. His mom wouldn’t have sounded so distasteful if Nat had dumped him for a boy, and it was so unfair. It was unfair that he had ever felt pressured to date Natalya in the first place.

According to his plan with Lovino, it wasn’t time for him to come out yet. It was April, and he hadn’t even graduated high school yet. He had a summer birthday, so he would still be legally under his parents’ thumb until the fourth day of July. Lovino and him wouldn’t move in to the freshman dorms until September. They had actually gotten into the same college together, and it wouldn’t take much to convince their parents that they should be roommates. He was so close to getting everything he’d ever wanted, and Alfred couldn’t fuck that up now.

Alfred held his tongue and tried to figure out what to say that wouldn’t involve screaming at his parents, and Matthew entered the kitchen at the worst possible time. He paused on the way to the refrigerator, took in the tense atmosphere, then looked searchingly at his brother. “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Mom and Dad just asked me who I’m planning to take to the prom,” Alfred said. Unseen by their parents, Matthew winced. He knew the plan for Alfred and Lovino was to go with a group of friends to the dance, act like they weren’t a couple in front of their peers, then sneak out early to get some time alone. Alfred certainly couldn’t tell his parents anything close to the truth.

Their mother turned to Matthew. “Matthew, you’re taking Kateryna to the prom, aren’t you? And she’s already planning things out, I’m assuming.”

Matthew nodded and shot a wary glance at Alfred. “Yeah, of course I’m going with Katya. I think she and Nat are going shopping for dresses this weekend. Why?”

“We’re trying to prove a point to Alfred,” their father said, shooting Alfred a pointed look. “If he wants to get a date, he needs to ask someone. And soon.”

Alfred sighed. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don’t want a date? What if I just want to hang out with my friends? Lots of kids do that these days.” Kiku was single, and his parents were renting a limo for him to take his friends to the prom. He doubted Kiku’s parents were pestering him the way Alfred’s parents were pestering him right now.

“You’ll never get a girlfriend with that attitude,” his mother snapped. Alfred was on the verge of tears. He didn’t _want_ a girlfriend. He only wanted Lovino.

Alfred started to walk out to the living room to keep his parents from seeing how upset he was. “If I wanted to be with someone, I’d be _with_ someone. I don’t see the point in asking some random girl to be my prom date just so you guys can take pictures of us together.”

His father followed him out to the living room, along with Matthew and his mother. “Son, prom is a pivotal life moment,” he urged. “It’s a moment you’ll never get to experience again. Do you really want to look back on your time in high school and be filled with regret?”

Matthew frowned. “It’s a school dance,” he muttered to himself. “That hardly counts a pivotal life moment.”

Alfred nodded stiffly. “What Mattie said. If I regret anything about prom, I think I’d regret not being myself.” Alfred couldn’t truly be himself at prom. Being himself would involve taking Lovino as his date to the dance, posing for cheesy pictures with his boyfriend, and slow dancing with him in a hotel ballroom where everyone could see. It would have involved showing off how lucky he was to be with someone as gorgeous and incredible as his boyfriend, but going with a group of friends and pretending to be single would be more honest than acting like he wanted to slow dance with anyone else.

His mother came up to touch his shoulder. “Al, this is about more than just prom. I know Natalya broke your heart and crushed your self-esteem by deceiving you and leaving you for a girl of all people, but it’s been two years. It’s time for you to move on.”

“You don’t want people to think you’re queer, do you, son?” His father sounded _concerned,_ like Alfred would be the victim of some scurrilous rumor if people thought he was gay. But for most people, it would simply be an accurate deduction based on the way he looked at Lovino like he hung the moon and stars in the sky.

“What if I was gay?” Alfred said quietly. “Would that really be the worst thing in the world? The way you talk about gay people makes them sound worse than terrorists or school shooters.” His mom and dad thought of gay people as this perverse, stereotypical other. They had debated the idea and even brought up their concerns to him, but part of them had been stuck in denial. In their heart of hearts, Alfred’s parents couldn’t believe that their ostensibly Christian, masculine, athletic, popular son could be one of _those people_. But every time they insulted gay people, they were insulting him. They had been insulting his existence for as long as he could remember, and the pain from that was apparent in his voice.

“Alfred, do you believe yourself to be homosexual? Is that what you’re telling me and your father right now?” His mom sounded like she was begging him to say anything else. Anything else but the truth.

Alfred felt like his world was falling apart. He couldn’t tell them the truth, could he? But he couldn’t keep lying to them either. God, he was so _sick_ of lying.

“I think what Al was trying to say—”

Alfred shook his head. “It’s okay, Mattie. You don’t have to cover for me anymore.” Matthew nodded sadly, and Alfred forced himself to look at his parents’ dismayed faces. “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”

Alfred could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed. He waited and waited for one of them to say something. _Anything._

Finally, his mother did. “When did you decide this? I don’t understand.”

Alfred laughed hollowly at his mother’s question. “It’s not something I _decided._ It’s who I am. It’s who I’ve been from the day you brought me into this world.”

His father frowned and turned to look at his mother. “Something must have happened. Maybe I failed at being a proper role model.”

“Maybe he was molested,” his mom replied. “Pastor Tim said that sometimes when boys are young, that kind of thing can confuse them and lead to same-sex attraction later on.” She sounded so fucking calm, like she would rather have Alfred be the victim of a pedophilic creep than have him be healthy, happy, and gay. Alfred saw red.

“Jesus tapdancing Christ, do you fucking hear yourselves?! I was born gay! Nobody made me this way except for God Himself!”

Alfred’s father poked his index finger into his chest. “Don’t you dare take that tone with me, young man! Your mother and I are trying to help you!”

“Help me?! You think screaming at me helps me?! What else are you gonna try, beating the faggot out of me?! Because newsflash, Pops, that’s not gonna work either!”

His mom started crying, but Alfred was viewing the scene like it was a melodramatic Lifetime movie. He wanted to click a remote and make the crying go away because it was loud and annoying, but he felt no responsibility, much less remorse for his mother’s tears. They were only the result of her own bigotry, perhaps a softer bigotry than his father’s, but bigotry all the same.

“What happened to you, Alfred?! Who made you think it was okay to treat your own parents this way?!”

“I’ll tell you who! It’s this godforsaken town we moved to before the boys were born! The sin and depravity among those people he calls _friends_.” Alfred’s father sneered, and Alfred had never hated anyone more in his life. “Those four dykes, that faggy Russian, and that _disgusting_ Vargas boy and his so-called ‘boyfriend.’ That, and the parents who are so lenient they don’t care about what kind of perverted sinners they’ve let their children become!”

His mom nodded like his father had said something reasonable, instead of ranting like a deranged loon. “I think you’re right. We should have never moved here.”

Alfred was sobbing uncontrollably by this point. “I would’ve been gay no matter where I lived! But if I didn’t have my friends, I would’ve been even more alone than I am right now! I’d probably be dead in a ditch somewhere, but that would make you happy, wouldn’t it?!” He couldn’t imagine life without his friends, especially not Lovino.

Matthew walked past their father and mother to give Alfred a hug. “You would’ve never been alone, Al. I would’ve been there.” He shot a cold glare at their parents. “Can’t you see what this is doing to him? Don’t you care?”

Tellingly, his parents didn’t respond to Matthew’s question. Their mom rubbed her temple like she was getting a headache. “If only he wouldn’t be so obstinate,” she muttered. “If he would just tell us the first time he thought he might be homosexual, when this problem started, then maybe a therapist would have something to go off of.”

“I was five!” Alfred yelled, fed up with their questions. “I saw Lovino saving Mattie from a bully, and I thought he was the prettiest person I’d ever seen! And I didn’t know that made me gay, but I knew I’d never love anybody else! But I didn’t have a problem until _you_ saw me kissing him and told me I’d burn in hell for loving my best friend too much!”

Alfred’s mother clapped her hand to her mouth. “Dear God, it’s worse than I thought.”

“What about that girl you dated?” their father demanded. “Natalya? Was she just a lie too?”

“Of course she was! I had to trick her into going on a date with me because you wouldn’t accept me the way I was! Because you threatened to send me away to some place that would make me want to kill myself! She only pretended to be my girlfriend because she’s a decent human being! Unlike either one of you!”

Alfred’s dad advanced towards him and Matthew. “You take that back! I have fed you, clothed you, and put a roof over your head for nearly eighteen years, Alfred! Eighteen years! After everything I have sacrificed for this family, I’m not about to let one of my sons turn into a goddamned sodomite!”

His dad was trying to scare the life out of him, but he couldn’t. At that moment, Alfred suddenly realized something. His dad was nothing but a petty, vindictive, contemptible little man. He was no better than Angelo Vargas had been when he spat at a six-year-old boy. His father was half an inch shorter than Alfred, and that half an inch felt like 50 fucking feet. Alfred’s dad no longer had power over him, not unless Alfred gave that power to him.

Alfred chuckled darkly. “Too late, old man. I’ve been with Lovino for almost two years now. You’d be a moron to think we haven’t fucked in all that time.”

Alfred’s father was apoplectic. He managed to punch Alfred in the eye before Matthew shoved his brother behind him. “You piece of shit faggot! Get the hell out of my house!”

Alfred giggled as he backed up towards the staircase. “Before I go, do you want the details, daddy dearest? Do you want to know how much I liked taking it up the ass or sucking dick? Because I fucking loved it! If I didn’t know I was gay before, I definitely knew after that!” 

“I’ll fucking kill you!” his father screamed. But he couldn’t make his way past Matthew, who was holding him back as he struggled.

“Try, and I’ll put you in a hospital,” Matthew quietly threatened. His mother looked taken aback.

“Matthew, how could you defend him? After the horrible things he said!” She was more appalled by the sexual things Alfred had done with his boyfriend than the fact his father had punched him in the eye and threatened to murder him. She lived in an upside-down world where black was white, good was evil, and someone who had gay sex deserved to die for it.

Alfred was at the top of the staircase now. “Because unlike you, he knows a thing about family loyalty. That’s why, when I move in with Lovino and have gay sex with him every night, Matthew and Katya are gonna live right next door to us. But don’t worry, Mom. I’ll be sure to send you an invitation in the mail to my very faggoty, rainbow-themed wedding as a final fuck you. I hope I never have to see your homophobic face again!”

Alfred ran into his bedroom and slammed the door behind him. He locked the door as quickly as he could, and his hands shook as he dialed 911 on his cell phone. He could still hear his father downstairs screaming about murdering him as he talked to the operator. With an alarmed tone in her voice, she promised to send someone over to his house immediately and promised to call him back to let him know once his father had been arrested.

Alfred grabbed a duffle bag and quickly shoved his wallet, his Social Security card, his cell phone, and a few changes of clothes inside. Anything else could be replaced eventually, but for now he had to get the fuck out of dodge.

With his car keys clenched in his teeth, Alfred tossed his bag onto the ground below his window and crawled onto a nearby ledge. With some extremely careful footwork, he made his way onto the oak tree growing in the front yard, hopped from branch to branch, and managed to reach the ground safely. Now all he had to do was grab his duffel bag and sprint to the car.

When he miraculously made it inside the safety of his pickup truck, Alfred dug his phone out of his duffel bag, put it on speaker, called Lovino’s cell phone, and peeled out so fast his tires screeched against the pavement.

“Alfred, what’s going on? I wasn’t expecting you call me until later.”

“Oh my God, baby, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to tell them, but I did! I told them about me, about you, about everything! My father threatened to kill me, and I think he’s gonna try to kill you too!” Alfred was crying so hard he could barely see the road in front of him.

“Jesus, Alfred. We had a plan so this kind of thing wouldn’t happen.” Lovino sounded justifiably pissed, but he was worried too.

Alfred whimpered. “I’m sorry. They backed me into a corner. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Lovino let out a harsh breath over the phone line. “I don’t care about that now. Just tell me where the fuck you are.”

“I’m in my car. I don’t actually know where I’m going.” He had friends who might take him in for the night, but he hadn’t actually planned where he would go if his parents kicked him out of the house. He had planned to orchestrate events so that he wouldn’t have to deal with that scenario.

“Go to the Beillschmidts’ place. Feli’s already there, and me and Marcello can get there in five minutes.”

Alfred nodded. Meeting at Gil’s apartment was a smart idea. It would keep Lovino safe if he had to flee his father on foot. Alfred’s mother or father was probably already calling the Vargases to scream about Lovino and Alfred’s relationship. Alfred hadn’t meant to, but he’d outed his boyfriend and put him in a lot of danger by doing so.

Alfred sniffed and quickly wiped away his tears before he could hit a tree or something stupid like that. “I love you, Vino.”

“I love you too, Fredo. I’ll see you soon.” Lovino hung up the phone call, and Alfred tried to breathe at a normal pace as he drove to the apartment complex where Ludwig lived with Gil, Erszi, and their two-year-old daughter Sophie.

He rang the bell, said who it was, and Gilbert let him into the building. Alfred slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and trotted upstairs to where their apartment was located.

Before Alfred could even raise his fist to knock on the door, Erzsébet flung it wide open and hugged him fiercely. Alfred nearly fell over from the impact.

“Lovino called to let us know you were coming. I’m so sorry this happened to you.” She sounded emotional, and that made Alfred feel emotional too.

“Lovino shouldn’t have called you guys. I’m really worried about him and how his dad’s gonna take this. His mom’s been a lot better lately, but I just don’t know.”

Ludwig looked a lot older than his years as he joined his sister-in-law at the doorway. “Lovino will be here soon. Let’s just get you inside and get you some ice for your eye.”

Alfred let them drag him inside the apartment towards the kitchen. On the way, his cell phone rang, and Alfred insisted that he had to take the call. It could be the 911 dispatcher he spoke to, Lovino, or his brother.

“Hello?”

“Alfred? This is Jennifer, the 911 dispatcher you spoke to earlier. I’m calling to let you know that your father has been arrested. Your brother is safe, but your mother was not on scene by the time the arresting officer arrived.”

Alfred sighed. “I’m glad Mattie’s safe. My mom was never in danger. She probably left to go yell at my boyfriend’s parents or some bullshit like that.”

“Are you safe, Alfred?”

“Yeah, I’m at a friend’s house. I’ll be okay. Right now, I’m more worried about my boyfriend than myself, to be honest.”

A frantic voice sounded over the intercom. “It’s Lovino and Marcello! Let us in!”

Alfred let out a relieved, weary chuckle. “That’s him. Thank God.”

Feliciano was buzzing them in as Jennifer told Alfred he needed to come by the police station tomorrow to make a statement and get pictures taken to prove his brother’s and his claims about the domestic assault.

“Yeah, I’ll make sure to do that. Thanks for the help, Jennifer.”

“Anytime, Alfred.”

Alfred hung up the phone call right on time to catch his sobbing boyfriend as he ran straight towards him. “Never, ever do this to me again, bastardo! I thought you were gonna die after what you said on the phone!”

“I’m sorry I scared you, honey. But I’m okay, see?” He smiled weakly in a pathetic attempt to prove he was fine.

Lovino snarled when he looked up and saw Alfred’s black eye. “That testa di cazzo hit you! I want to kill him, go down to hell, and kill him again!”

“Love you too, Vino.”

Erzsébet sighed. “Let’s go to the kitchen. Alfred needs ice for his black eye.”

“Can someone call my brother? He’s probably freaking out since I didn’t get a chance to tell him where I was going before I left.”

“On it.” Ludwig spoke with calm, military precision as Lovino and Erzsébet herded Alfred into the kitchen. Feliciano and a confused Marcello followed them.

During this time, Gilbert had been trying to get his daughter to go to sleep. Marcello was old enough to know what happened, but Sophie was an innocent toddler way too young to know anything about what Alfred’s father had done to him.

Gilbert’s face fell when he walked out of his daughter’s bedroom and saw Alfred holding a bag of ice up to his eye with a grim expression on his face. “Scheisse, kid, what the hell happened to you?”

Alfred explained how a conversation that started with his mother asking him who he planned to take to the prom had spiraled out of control so rapidly. Alfred had been pushed to the brink by his parents’ relentless stupidity and homophobia, and by the end, he had deliberately antagonized his parents as much as he could.

“Looking back, it was pretty reckless of me. But I just couldn’t take their garbage anymore.”

Lovino was hugging his boyfriend during his explanation, and he let out a heartbroken sigh once Alfred was done. “Pushing your father that way was fucking stupid. But if I’d been in your position, I would have probably done the same thing.”

Matthew called through the intercom, and Erszébet smiled wanly at Alfred before she buzzed open the door for him. Right after Matthew was let inside, Lovino got a phone call.

“It’s my mom,” Lovino announced. “I guess I should take it?”

Feliciano shrugged, and Lovino answered the call as Matthew came in to the kitchen to give Alfred a hug. “Hoser. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Alfred grinned. “I’m glad you’re okay too.”

“What? Mamma, slow down. I can’t understand you.” Alfred watched in concern as Lovino stood up from his chair and gestured vigorously with his left hand.

Lovino paused, and his hand hovered in the air before it drifted down to his side. “I’m sorry, I’m not following. Alfred’s mother came over to scream at you about me corrupting her little boy, and somehow my father ended up leaving the house? Why?”

“Mom rushed off after you left,” Matthew whispered to Alfred. “I knew she was leaving to rage at Lovino’s parents, but she didn’t seem like she’d get violent with them. Dad was the bigger problem, so I had to keep him contained.”

Alfred nodded absently. “I’m glad you did,” he whispered quietly.

Whatever Lovino’s mom explained over the phone made his face turn pale. He cast a frightened look at Alfred, Feliciano, and Marcello. “Yeah, well, I’m not particularly surprised he did that,” Lovino said.

Lovino’s eyes slammed shut, and he swallowed heavily. He was obviously in a lot of pain. Alfred got out of his chair and crept closer to him.

“Ma, you weren’t the one who made me feel unsafe. What you did to me when I was little was fucked up, not gonna lie. But if you had known how it affected me, you would’ve apologized, just like you did to Feli. What Babbo did was infinitely worse.”

Alfred was close enough to hear Lovino’s mom ask what his father had done to him.

“It’s… it’s hard to explain over the phone. I’m at Gil and Erszi’s apartment. Marcello and Feli are here too. If you want to talk about this in person, you can come over here.”

Lovino’s mom promised to come over right away and told him she loved him.

“Love you too, Ma. See you soon.” Lovino hung up the phone, then looked at Feli and Marcello with an apologetic smile. “Well, I think I just made Ma and Pa get a divorce.”

“How?” Marcello asked in distress. “They were going to celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary in two months!”

“Lovino, it’s not your fault!” Feliciano cried.

Alfred rubbed Lovino’s shoulder. “What happened?”

Lovino leaned into Alfred. “When your mom came over to yell about our relationship, instead of defending me, my dad blamed my mom for ‘coddling’ me and Feli when we were children. Which she knew wasn’t true. If anything, Marcello got off easy, since he’s never shown any signs of liking boys the way we did.”

Marcello stiffened in his chair. “I didn’t ask to be treated better than you guys.”

Matthew looked at him sympathetically. “I know. I never want to be treated better than Al, but I was.”

“Anyway, he claimed that Ma’s coddling turned us bisexual somehow,” Lovino continued. “Only, he called us a derogatory Italian word for gay men.”

“The same one as before?” Alfred asked softly.

“No.” Lovino laughed without any trace of humor. “He’s got a whole repertoire of terms to insult his sons, apparently.”

“I’m sorry, Lovi.”

He shrugged. “It is what it is. But I guess Ma really changed her attitude after Feli came out, and I don’t think she was ever so bad she’d use a slur against us the way he would. So she got offended and kicked Pa out of the house. She doesn’t even know everything. She’s gonna really freak out when she finds out what Pa did to me when I was little.”

“What did he do to you?” Marcello asked. “I know it must’ve been bad, but you’ve never told me.”

Lovino gave his baby brother a sad look. “For a long time, you were too little to find out. You’re still younger than when I told Feli about it. But I guess if we’re getting everything out in the open tonight, you can be there when I explain it to Ma.”

Marcello gave a tiny nod. “I’ll wait till Mamma gets here.”

Everyone migrated out to the living room to wait for Mrs. Vargas. Alfred had held the ice against his bruise as long as he comfortably could, so he took the ice off and let his skin thaw.

After what felt like a long time but was probably only fifteen minutes, Mrs. Vargas called over the intercom and asked to be let upstairs. Lovino buzzed her in, and he was there to greet his mother at the door.

Mrs. Vargas hugged her son. “I’m sorry, topolino.”

“I know. I forgive you.”

Mrs. Vargas pulled back and frowned when she saw Alfred’s bruise. “Cazzo, that looks painful.”

Alfred shrugged. “I’m okay, Mrs. Vargas. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Lovino whispered. “He’s an idiota who cares about everyone but himself.”

Mrs. Vargas smirked and ran her hand through Lovino’s hair. “I can see that.” She looked at Alfred. “Speaking as a mother, what your parents did to you today was inexcusable. I don’t care what you believe, there’s no excuse for hitting your child or kicking them out of your house. Especially for simply telling you the truth about who they are.”

Her words felt like validation, and Alfred hadn’t acknowledged how much he needed that validation before she gave it to him. He teared up a little. “Thank you, Mrs. Vargas.”

“Please, call me Teresa. You’re in love with my son. We shouldn’t be so formal with each other.”

Alfred blushed a little and nodded. It would take a while for him to think of her on a first name basis.

Mrs. Vargas (Teresa) cast her gaze around the room. “I need to talk to my children. Ludwig and Alfred can be there too, obviously, since they’re practically part of the family. Anyone else can come if they want to be present for our conversation.”

Erszi, Gilbert, and Matthew agreed to let Teresa speak privately to her children (and their boyfriends). Teresa led Alfred, Lovino, Ludwig, Feliciano, and Marcello into Ludwig’s bedroom.

Teresa took a spot on the bed, and the others sat down in various spots around the room. Feli curled up on Ludwig’s lap, and Alfred sat down next to Lovino and held his hand. Marcello lay down near his mother.

“Lovino, I said this once to your brother, but it’s time that I said it to you. I’m sorry. I selfishly let my vision for your life dictate your life. I was taught from the time I was a child that certain things were wrong, things like letting my son kiss another boy. When I saw you pretending to marry Alfred, I acted on those beliefs, and I hurt you without fully understanding the damage I caused. I’ll never be able to make up for what I’ve done, but I have changed my mind on that issue and won’t punish you for being with your boyfriend. I won’t stand in your way, and if he truly makes you happy, I see nothing wrong with it. All I ever wanted was for my children to have the best life possible.”

Lovino’s eyes filled with tears. “I love you, Mamma. I didn’t believe you a long time ago when you told Feli you wanted him to be happy, but I believe you now. I’ve seen how you’ve changed.”

Teresa sat up to hug her son, and Alfred cried too, half of him happy for Lovino and half of him envious that his own mother hadn’t reacted the same way. Given the way she had let his father hit him, he didn’t think she would ever apologize or accept him.

After the hug, Teresa turned to her youngest son. “Marcello, I wasn’t fair to your older brothers. But if you ever want to be with another boy, you can tell me that. I promise I will be fairer to you.”

Marcello nodded, eyes full of an innocent trust Lovino and Feliciano had lost long ago. “Okay, Mamma.”

Lovino grimaced, and Alfred squeezed his hand. “I’m guessing you want to know what Babbo did that made me afraid to tell you about me and Alfred.”

“I was wondering that,” Teresa admitted.

Lovino hesitated, and he faltered, but he managed to tell the entire story of what his father had done to him when he was only six years old. Marcello started crying, and Feliciano tried to console his little brother. Teresa was in no position to do so. She was sad and enraged at what her husband had done.

“I had no idea, bambino. If I had known he would call you names, nearly hit you, and spit at you, I would have never married him, much less let him talk to you that day!”

“He scared me so bad! I was too tiny to defend myself if he lost control of his temper. Part of me was still terrified, even when I got big enough to fight back against him!”

“You’ll never have to be scared of him again.” Teresa leaned in and kissed Lovino’s forehead. “If you don’t want to, you’ll never have to see him again.”

“I can’t do that to you. I can’t… you _love_ him. You’ve been married to him for so long. I can’t be responsible for breaking up your marriage.”

Teresa sighed. “It’s not your fault. I’ve been disappointed with him for years because of the way he reacted to Feliciano and Ludwig. Feliciano felt uncomfortable in his own home because of the cold way he’d look at him when he was with his boyfriend. But I kept hoping Angelo would actually see how they were together and change, the way I did.”

Feliciano was still trying to comfort Marcello, but he started to cry softly. “I was hoping he’d change too.”

Teresa shot an apologetic look at Feliciano and Ludwig and turned to look at Lovino. “This is _my_ decision. If he is capable of treating his own flesh and blood the way he treated you, then he’s not the man I thought I married. And I don’t want to stay married to him a moment longer.”

Lovino shook his head. “You’re stubborn as fuck, Ma.”

Teresa smirked. “Where do you think you got it from?”

Lovino hugged his mother again then leaned against Alfred’s side, clearly exhausted. Alfred put his arm around Lovino and kissed his temple.

“You take good care of my boy, don’t you, Alfred?”

Alfred was shocked Teresa was speaking to him, and he was shocked she was actually smiling at him. “I, uh, feel like that’s kind of my job, you know.”

“You’re doing a much better job than I did. I trust you with my son. I haven’t given you much reason to trust me, but I hope you’ll learn to, in time.”

This was surreal. Alfred had imagined having to beg Lovino’s parents for a chance, but instead he was being granted one automatically. And Lovino’s mom was the one asking Alfred if _he_ could trust _her_.

Alfred needed a minute to get his thoughts together. “I feel… I feel like that’s up to Lovino. If he can give you a second chance, then I can too. And honestly, I wish my mom would have acted like you. You might have made some mistakes, but you’re trying to fix them, and at the end of the day, you’re still a _mom_. My mother stopped being a real mom to me a long time ago. Tonight, my dad punched me in the face, threatened to kill me, and called me a piece of shit faggot. My mom might not have been the one who did those things, but she let them happen, and instead of saying _anything_ in my defense, she got mad at me for what I said then left to go yell at you about Lovino. I was taught to follow Christ’s example and forgive people, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her for that.”

Lovino clung to Alfred and buried his face in his neck. He was trembling like he was trying to hold in his sobs. “I don’t care _what_ Christ wants, I’ll never forgive them either.”

Tears were pricking at Teresa’s eyes. “Hopefully, you’ll never have to see that woman again. If you like, you can stay at my house for as long as you need.”

“Can… can Mattie come too? I’m not sure what he was planning, actually.”

“When I opened the door, he had a duffel bag, just like you did,” Ludwig explained. “He said, and I quote, ‘If my brother has to leave, then so do I.’”

Alfred chuckled sadly. “Typical Mattie.” Matthew had been there for him from the very beginning, and he would be there until the very end.

“We have a guest room,” Teresa said. “Matthew can stay there, and you can stay with Lovino.”

God, Alfred was so grateful. He would have been content sleeping on someone’s floor, and he was hoping for a couch. A guest room seemed like a luxury, but that was nothing compared to getting to stay with the love of his life.

“Th-thank you, Mrs. Vargas. I mean, Teresa.”

“No problem, dear. We should head home. I don’t think you got a chance to eat, did you?”

Alfred shook his head and stood up with the others, who were all heading out of the room. “Nah. Everything was so chaotic I completely forgot about food.”

“Now that’s worrying,” Lovino joked.

Lovino’s joke lightened the mood, and everyone laughed as they walked out into the living room. Alfred explained that he would be going home with Lovino’s family, and Matthew decided to come along with him. Feli kissed Ludwig at the door, and they drove back to Lovino’s house. There was room for everyone and their duffels in Teresa’s SUV.

Lovino leaned into Alfred on the way home, something Alfred smiled softly about like the sap he was. Teresa winked at Alfred through the rearview mirror, and Matthew chuckled when his twin blushed.

“Shut up, Mattie,” Alfred growled softly.

Matthew smirked. “Never.”

Underneath the louder conversation occurring between Feli, Marcello, and Teresa, Alfred smiled somberly and tightened his arm around Lovino.

“This has probably been the worst and the most exhausting day of my life. But hopefully things will get better from here on out.”

Lovino kissed the corner of his mouth. “Of course they will, caro.”

“It wasn’t that bad. I got to break Dad’s nose today. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.” Matthew sounded bizarrely upbeat about the whole thing.

“You broke Dad’s nose?!” That didn’t sound like Matthew, who was normally mild-mannered and polite anywhere but a hockey rink. Circumstances had been different today, but still…

Matthew’s grin was bloodthirsty. “You should have seen it, Al. He actually peed his pants in fear. It was frickin’ hilarious. If only my hockey stick had been downstairs. Then, I could’ve done some real damage.” Matthew’s tone got wistful near the end, like he truly regretted not being able to beat his father even worse.

Lovino started cackling, and after taking several seconds to recover from his shock, Alfred started wheezing with laughter too. What Matthew had said was horrible, but it was also horribly funny. And after the way his dad had treated him his entire life, Alfred thought the least that bastard deserved was a broken nose.

Eventually, they were able to explain why they were laughing to the others. Marcello and Feli giggled, and they looked at Matthew with mingled fear and respect. Teresa smiled broadly and told Matthew he had done the right thing. She ruffled Matthew’s hair on their way into the house.

After a delicious and filling Italian meal, Alfred and Matthew were both tired and ready to go to sleep. Teresa showed Matthew to the guest room, and Alfred waited until Lovino and Feli had finished loading the dish washer before he headed off to Lovino’s room.

Before they could enter the bedroom together, Teresa said she had something to say to them.

“Lovino, when Alfred’s mother came by earlier, she told me and your father that you and Alfred had done… certain things together. Things a mother should really never know about her own child.” She grimaced awkwardly, and it was clear Alfred’s mom had repeated the things Alfred told his parents verbatim.

Lovino groaned and hid his red, embarrassed face behind his hand. “Jesus Christ, Ma.”

Alfred stared at the carpet guiltily. “I’m sorry you had to hear about that, Mrs. Vargas.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Alfred. I’m not angry about what I heard. Lovino is an adult, and you will be an adult in a few months. You and Lovino have the right to make those decisions together, and I know nothing I say or do could stop you. I only ask one thing.”

Lovino eventually managed to look his mother in the eyes, and Alfred managed to as well. Teresa gave them a tense smile.

“If you do… things while I’m here, could you please keep it down? I already know too many details, thanks to your mother. I don’t need to find out anything else.”

“Of course,” Alfred said. “I’m glad you let me and Mattie stay here, and I wouldn’t want to disrespect you or your home in any way.”

“You’re a good boy, Alfred. You too, Lovino.”

She kissed her son on the cheek, and Alfred was flattered and surprised when she did the same thing to him. Teresa told them good night, and she seemed relaxed as she turned to walk down the hallway.

Lovino opened the door to his bedroom and pulled Alfred inside. “God, that was awkward. But not half as awkward as it could’ve been.”

“Yeah, it was a normal mom type thing. I don’t think the talk would’ve been that different if you were staying with a girl, to be honest.” She had obviously been weirded out by hearing about the intimate details from Alfred’s mom, but it seemed to be because they had been intimate details about Lovino, not because they were gay intimate details.

Lovino nodded, then glanced over to the side of his bedroom, where a door connected to an attached bathroom. “I don’t know about you, but I could use a shower. If we took a shower together, we could save on hot water.”

Alfred licked his lips as he stepped closer to his boyfriend. “You just want to get me naked, don’t you?”

Lovino flicked his gaze up and down Alfred’s body in a suggestive manner. “I might,” he admitted softly.

Alfred giggled and took hold of Lovino’s hand. “Come on, let’s go conserve on hot water.”

Alfred was tired from the long, emotionally exhausting day he had, but not so tired that he didn’t get turned on by kissing and touching Lovino underneath the water. He sank down onto his knees to give Lovino a blowjob, and he bit into his palm to suppress his moans when Lovino did the same thing to him.

Lovino stared up into Alfred’s eyes as he swallowed his cum. After a moment, he pulled away, tenderly kissed the oversensitive tip of Alfred’s cock, and rose to his feet with a content smile.

Alfred’s thighs were trembling, and he was overwhelmed. He could barely manage to stay upright. “I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too, Alfredo.” He leaned up to kiss him, and Alfred whimpered as he felt the entire length of Lovino’s wet, naked body pressed against him. If he hadn’t spilled his release into Lovino’s mouth less than a minute ago, he would’ve gotten hard again. The fact that he could taste traces of his cum in Lovino’s mouth only made him more turned on.

After a while, Lovino stepped away. “We should probably go to bed. The water’s getting cold.”

Alfred smiled bashfully, like he did when he was a kindergartner who had just met someone prettier than Snow White and Princess Jasmine combined. “I didn’t even notice.”

“I know you didn’t,” Lovino replied smugly. He turned off the water and held out his hand to help his dizzy, sappy boyfriend out of the shower.

After drying each other off and brushing their teeth (Alfred had forgotten his toothbrush in the mad dash out of his former home, so Lovino let Alfred borrow his), they collapsed into Lovino’s bed and pulled the bedsheet and comforter over their naked bodies.

Alfred rested his head over Lovino’s chest, right where he could hear his heartbeat, and closed his eyes. “I told my mom I was gonna marry you tonight,” he told Lovino casually.

Lovino ran his fingers through Alfred’s hair. “I think we need to wait a few more months on that one, amore. We won’t legally be allowed to do that in any state until you turn 18.”

“I told Mattie I wanted to marry you on my sixth birthday. You remember? That was the first time you did the Italian cheek kissing thing to me.”

“I remember. I was so nervous before I did that. The best friend thing was a convenient excuse.”

Alfred smiled sleepily. “I wanted to marry you because I wanted us to live in the same house and spend every day together. I still want that. My dreams haven’t changed that much from the time I was six years old. Only now I know Katya will be living with Mattie in the house next door to us, and we’ll have more neighbors other than him and Feli and Ludwig on the other side. And now that I understand what it’s like to be with you, I find new reasons to want to marry you every single day.”

Lovino sniffed. He was probably crying, but he sounded happy. “We’ll get that, Alfred. We’ll get whatever you want. Go to sleep, tesoro.”

“Okay.” Alfred fell asleep in Lovino’s arms seconds later, more safe and secure than he’d ever been.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a very brief mention of Rochu in this chapter, but it's not enough to bother tagging for fic purposes.

The next day, Alfred and Matthew took the day off school to recover from their ordeal the night before. Teresa allowed Lovino to stay home to keep Alfred company. All three of them took Alfred to the police station, and he gave his statement that afternoon. Photographs were taken to prove Alfred’s claim of physical assault, and charges were filed against his father.

Afterwards, they met with an attorney, and Alfred and Matthew were granted restraining orders against their parents, who were deemed to be a danger to both children, especially Alfred. After some discussion, Lovino was also granted a restraining order against Alfred’s parents.

In the following days, Alfred and Matthew told their friends the story of how Alfred had finally come out to their parents and gotten kicked out of the house for being honest about who he was. Their friends expressed their heartfelt sympathy, and they spent more time around the twins, who they knew must have been reeling from their parents’ rejection.

Their mother had disappeared into thin air when Teresa and Angelo started arguing, and she hadn’t reappeared in town since. Matthew speculated that she was possibly afraid of the law catching up to her and charging her with child endangerment for the way she had let their father assault and threaten Alfred. All Alfred knew was that he was glad she was gone. It made it easier to collect the things from his house that he wanted to keep. With a police escort, Alfred took his baseball trophy from the previous year, his glove and bat, his Nintendo gaming system along with his games, some DVDs and CDs, his school yearbooks, and photographs of his friends and Mattie. For practical reasons, he packed up the rest of his clothes, his laptop, and his school supplies. He also took Ace, the stuffed animal he had kept above his bed after he got too old to cuddle it at night. He didn’t take any photographs of his parents, his WWJD bracelet, or the Bible left in a nightstand by his bed.

A week after his father was arrested, a social worker dropped by the Vargas family home. After talking to everyone at the house, it was agreed that Alfred and Matthew could stay with Teresa until they turned 18. Since they were practically adults, strong consideration was given to the twins’ preferences, and they made it clear that they would much rather stay with Teresa than go home with any blood relatives. The social worker also knew it wouldn’t be in the twins’ best interest to separate Alfred from Lovino, or Matthew from his twin.

One day, while all the children were at school, Angelo came back to the house, pleading with Teresa to give him another chance. Outraged, she confronted Angelo with how he had treated Lovino as a young boy, took off her wedding ring, and marched upstairs to dump Angelo’s things on the lawn. Angelo had disappeared by the time school was out, and Alfred had returned home with Lovino to find his boyfriend’s mother sobbing on her living room couch, with a frightened Marcello hugging her fiercely. The boys comforted Teresa, and she was able to dry her tears before Feli’s bus could drop him back at the house. The next day, she met with an attorney and filed for divorce.

After a couple weeks, life almost went back to normal. Alfred and Lovino were open at school, and they received a few jeers and taunts from their more idiotic classmates, but they were always surrounded by a pack of friends ready to defend them. As Alfred had predicted, one day Lovino had gotten fed up enough to call Devon a coglione, flip him off, and kiss Alfred right in the middle of the hallway. Lovino claimed that the lunchtime detention he received afterwards had been worth it.

Soon enough, everyone was focused on AP Exams, final exams, and prom. Lovino and Alfred shopped for their outfits together and bought suits that coordinated well with each other.

Everyone did well on their exams, and soon the juniors and seniors were ready to go to prom. Lovino’s mom took dozens of pictures of Lovino with Alfred, and then Kiku’s limo rolled up to the house. After hugging her son and his boyfriend goodbye, Alfred and Lovino headed out to the limo with their friends. They all crammed together in one booth and ate at the kind of diner Lovino and Alfred had gone to on their dates out of town. Lovino and Alfred shared a milkshake, but this time they did it in front of people who knew their names.

Miraculously, no one spilled greasy diner food on their fancy dresses or silk ties, and the limo took them to the ballroom where the dance was being held. For the first time, Alfred slow danced with Lovino in front of other people, but no one really cared. They were all too focused on their own dates. Mei danced with Liên, Natalya danced with Erika, Mattie danced with Katya, and at one point, Ivan danced with a Chinese boy he had been talking to by the refreshments table. Kiku danced with a few different girls who hadn’t attended prom with a date, and he seemed just as happy to be there as any of his friends who had gone to the prom with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Everyone clapped politely as a boy on Matthew’s hockey team and a popular blonde cheerleader were crowned prom king and queen. Devon looked angry that he wasn’t crowned prom king since he had been on the ballot, and Alfred took vicious satisfaction that one of the most annoying people he had ever met couldn’t get what he wanted.

After the prom king and queen danced, Alfred and his friends were ready to go home. The limo dropped them back off at Kiku’s house where they played video games, pigged out on junk food, and watched television reruns until 3 a.m.

Alfred fell asleep that night on a recliner, still wearing his tuxedo and with his boyfriend curled up on top of him, and he’d never been more comfortable.

* * *

The day after prom, Matthew had unexpectedly gotten a call from his Aunt Megan. She wanted to speak to him and Alfred, and she promised that it wasn’t anything bad. Matthew reluctantly agreed.

Over speakerphone, Alfred and Matthew were surprised to hear that Aunt Megan and Uncle Doug wanted to attend their high school graduation ceremony. They had never been particularly close to that aunt since she lived halfway across the country and because their mother just didn’t like Megan in comparison with her other sisters Emily or Jessica.

“Why?” Matthew asked. “No offense, Aunt Megan, but Al and I barely know you. It doesn’t make sense for you and Uncle Doug to fly all the way out here to see us graduate.”

Aunt Megan let out a weary sigh. “Because my sister is being a horrible bitch, and you boys deserve to have family watch you graduate. Trisha told everyone what happened with Alfred, and well, let’s just say there’s a reason I moved all the way to California to get away from my family. I believe in God just like the rest of them do, but not a God that would approve of a parent abandoning their child for being gay.”

Alfred started crying. “You really don’t care?”

“Alfred? Honey, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” he confirmed. He took a couple deep breaths to get his tears under control.

“Alfred, I don’t care if you date boys or girls. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters to me. You’re my nephew, and I’m proud of you.”

“You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.”

“Of course, sweetie. Now, I gathered from Trisha’s rant that your boyfriend is named Lovino and that you’re planning to marry him someday?”

Alfred laughed. “I’m sure she said some other stuff too.”

“She did, but not anything worth repeating over the phone. I just wanted to let you know that Doug and I would like to be invited to your wedding someday, but for now, I think meeting your boyfriend would be a good first step.”

“I think so too. You and Doug can meet him before the ceremony if you want.”

Matthew gave Aunt Megan the details for when and where the ceremony would take place, and Megan promised to be there. She said goodbye to both of them, and then she ended the phone call.

“Huh,” Alfred said. “That was unexpected.”

“It was. It sucks that none of our other relatives have reached out to us, but I’m glad we have Aunt Megan and Uncle Doug.”

“Yeah.” Suddenly, Alfred was reminded of his former teacher, Mr. Kirkland. In fifth grade, he had made Alfred feel okay with himself when he had been the target of vicious, homophobic bullying. Mr. Kirkland was the second adult in his life who had accepted Alfred without question, and without the kind words he had heard when he needed them most, Alfred’s life could have taken a much darker turn. He didn’t know if Mr. Kirkland would be able or willing to attend Alfred’s graduation ceremony, but before Alfred moved to another state for college, he wanted to thank Mr. Kirkland while he still had the chance.

“You remember our English teacher from fifth grade, Mr. Kirkland? I haven’t talked to him in a long time.”

Matthew nodded with a thoughtful look on his face. “He was a good teacher, probably the best teacher we’ve ever had. He helped you, and he helped Kiku when that girl was making fun of him. He called on me when a lot of other teachers ignored me for being quiet.”

“I wanna catch up with him again before I head off to college. To thank him for what he did for me.”

Matthew patted his shoulder. “I think that’s a good idea, Al. I’ll ask Mrs. Vargas if she has a phonebook anywhere.”

Teresa had a copy of the local phone book, and after explaining that Alfred wanted to talk to an old teacher he had in elementary school, she handed it over to Matthew.

Matthew and Alfred were skimming through the phone book in Alfred and Lovino’s bedroom when Lovino walked in and joined them. “What are you guys doing?”

“Looking up our old English teacher. The one who helped me in fifth grade.” Alfred had told Lovino the story shortly after they got together.

Lovino nodded and squeezed onto the bed next to Alfred. Matthew frowned when he got to the K section. “There are a few different Kirklands listed,” Matthew said. “I’m not sure which one is him.”

“His first name started with an A, I think,” Lovino said. “Our report cards had the name ‘A. Kirkland’ printed on them.”

Alfred kissed Lovino’s cheek. “You’re so smart. This is why I love you.”

Matthew rolled his eyes at his sappy brother. “The first name listed is Arthur Kirkland. We should go ahead and try that.”

Alfred dialed the unfamiliar digits and held his cell phone up to his ear. The phone rang a couple times, and then a man with a British accent answered.

“Hello, this is Arthur Kirkland. Whom am I speaking to?”

Alfred grinned fondly. Mr. Kirkland was just as polite and proper as he remembered, even when answering his home phone. “This is Alfred F. Jones. I don’t know if you remember me, but I was one of your students about seven years ago. In 1999, you talked to me after some bullies ruined my clothes in gym class, and you told me it wasn’t anybody’s bloody business if I was gay.”

Mr. Kirkland gasped. “Alfie? Is that really you? Goodness, that was so long ago! You must be a grown man by now!”

“I still have to wait a couple months for that. Summer birthday, remember?”

“Yes, you share your birthday with the United States of America. You mentioned that multiple times when we read _Johnny Tremain_. How are you, Alfie?”

“I’m pretty good, actually. You know that kid I used to stare at all the time in your class?” He grinned at Lovino, who rolled his eyes at him.

“His name was Lovino Vargas, wasn’t it? From what I recall, you had an obvious and rather adorable crush on him. It’s a pity those boys in your phys ed class didn’t think so.”

“Lovino’s my boyfriend now. We’ve been dating for almost two years.” It felt so good to say, but not nearly as good as Mr. Kirkland’s reaction.

“That’s splendid. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever heard, actually.”

“Are you still working at Golden Oak Elementary? I’d like to drop by soon to thank you in person. You helped me a lot when I was a little kid.”

“Unfortunately, I’m no longer working there. I’m between jobs right now.” He sounded sad about that, but he quickly brightened up. “You know the Café Bonnefoy? It’s only a couple blocks away from the high school.”

“Café Bonnefoy?” His brother nodded. “My brother’s heard of the place, apparently.”

“The French club likes to host meetings there sometimes,” Matthew explained quietly. “Since we’re a school club, the owner gives us a really nice discount on pastries and coffee.” Alfred nodded in acknowledgment as Arthur continued.

“I can be there tomorrow at around four o’clock when the high school lets out. Unless you’re doing something after school on that day.”

Mondays were astronomy club days, and tomorrow they would be holding their final meeting of the year. “I can’t make it tomorrow. But I can stop by the café on Tuesday.”

“Tuesday works for me. I’ll see you then, Alfie.”

* * *

On Tuesday afternoon, Alfred let Mattie take his car home and walked to the French café his brother had told him about. As he walked into the Café Bonnefoy, he was amused to hear Édith Piaf playing over the sound system.

He glanced around and quickly spotted a man wearing a plaid sweater vest and gazing out the window of the café. His hair had a few more silver strands than what Alfred remembered, but the messy haircut was similar enough to be his former teacher.

Alfred stopped by the man. “Excuse me, Mr. Kirkland?”

He turned around, and he still had the same thick, dark eyebrows. He had a few more wrinkles, but his eyes were the same emerald shade, and that smile was exactly as welcoming as it had been the first day he introduced himself to Alfred and his classmates.

Mr. Kirkland leapt out of his chair to hug him. “Alfie! Goodness, you’re taller than me now! But other than that, you look exactly the same!”

Alfred laughed as he returned the hug. “Hopefully, I look a little older too.”

“Of course you do! You know what I meant. Sit, sit! Tell me what you’ve been up to!”

Alfred started to talk about how hard it had been when he hit adolescence and figured out he liked Lovino _that way_. “I was in a really dark place in my life. Other than a friend’s older brother, I didn’t have any adults to turn to. I had my parents, all the people at church, and the bullies at school telling me how wrong it was to be gay. If you hadn’t helped me, I don’t even know if I’d be sitting across from you right now.”

Mr. Kirkland nodded along like he understood where Alfred was coming from. “I went through something similar myself when I was that age. Only, I didn’t have an adult to tell me that I wasn’t born a mistake. So when I saw a chance to help a vulnerable child so much like myself, I felt compelled to do so.”

“You’re gay too?” Somehow, that possibility had never occurred to him. Back in fifth grade, he felt like he was the only gay person in the world.

Mr. Kirkland nodded. “I am.” He looked towards the front register, where a man with stubble and a blond ponytail was smiling as he took a customer’s order. “Francis, could you get Jeanne to cover for you for a while? There’s someone I’d like for you to meet.”

Francis blew a kiss towards Mr. Kirkland. “Anything for you, mon chou.” He spoke to a woman with short, wavy blonde hair and then quickly strode out from behind the counter.

Alfred raised his eyebrows at the air kiss. “I’m guessing you know this Francis pretty well, huh?”

Mr. Kirkland blushed, which was something Alfred never expected to see from his prim English teacher. “That showy git is my partner.”

“I’m guessing he’s your life partner, not your cop partner?”

“That would be correct,” Francis answered, having approached their table during Alfred’s question. “Although, on second thought… Arthur would look quite dashing in a police uniform.” He shamelessly ogled Mr. Kirkland, and Alfred giggled.

“You bloody frog! I’m trying to introduce you to someone!” Mr. Kirkland sputtered. It was strange to see his teacher acting like this. He was so flustered and so much more irritable than the composed professional image he presented in front of his students. He was a lot more human.

“Of course, where are my manners? My name is Francis Bonnefoy. I am the owner of this fine establishment and Arthur’s partner. Enchanté.”

Alfred shook the hand Francis had extended to him. “Nice to meet you. I’m Alfred.”

“This is the student I was telling you about,” Mr. Kirkland explained.

Francis nodded in understanding as he took a seat next to Mr. Kirkland. “Ah, yes. The legendary ‘Alfie.’ Arthur was quite worried about you after those boys gave you trouble in your P.E. class. He always wondered how things turned out for you.”

“I was in the middle of explaining it to him.” Alfred took a deep breath and picked up where he left off. “I started coming out to people starting in seventh grade. First, it was just Mattie, but eventually I was able to tell most of my friends. They were all cool with me, especially since a lot of them were gay themselves, but I had no idea it would be like that because my family and church leaders were so homophobic.”

Francis frowned. “Too many people use religion as an excuse to shame others for who they are. It should be a source of comfort, a way to help guide you through life, not that.”

Alfred laughed hollowly. “My parents, they were big on the shame thing. Big on the anything two guys could do together is a sin thing. And they believe people can just stop being gay if they pray hard enough. In tenth grade, I had to date a girl to convince them I was straight and keep them from sending me to conversion therapy.”

“Bloody wankers,” Mr. Kirkland growled. “My parents sent me to a facility for treatment when they caught me with my first boyfriend. It only made me angrier and more rebellious.”

“Arthur was a teenage delinquent,” Francis recalled fondly. “By the time I met him, he had calmed down considerably, but he still had multiple facial piercings and green hair.”

Alfred blinked in surprise. “No offense, Mr. Kirkland, but you really don’t seem the type.” On the surface, he was fussy, stuffy, and exactly what you would expect a British English teacher to be. But apparently, there was another side to Mr. Kirkland, one Alfred had no idea about before today.

Mr. Kirkland shrugged. “I’m a bit old to act like a punk now.” Fair enough, Alfred supposed.

“You know what’s funny? The girl I dated to please my parents is actually one of my best friends now. And she has a girlfriend.”

Mr. Kirkland and Francis chuckled, and Alfred told them the story of how he finally got together with Lovino at the beginning of eleventh grade. His little brother had started openly dating another guy, and Lovino’s issues with how his parents had treated him and Alfred when they were younger rose to the surface. Lovino had rushed out of the cafeteria after talking about how his dad had nearly physically assaulted him for kissing Alfred as a first grader, and Alfred found him crying on the soccer field. Alfred confessed his feelings, and they kissed for the second time in their lives.

“It was magical,” Alfred recalled nostalgically. “I’d been in love with him for so long, and he felt the same way. I’m so glad I decided to talk to him that day.”

Francis had teared up, and Mr. Kirkland patted Alfred’s hand. “That’s a beautiful story, Alfie. I’m so glad for you.”

“It hasn’t always been easy, especially lately. For a long time, me and Lovino had to keep our relationship a secret so our parents wouldn’t find out. His mom was kind of weird about us when we were little, but she’s turned things around ever since Lovino’s little brother came out. But his dad, and my parents…” Alfred trailed off, staring down at the paisley print of the tablecloth.

“It wasn’t good?” Francis surmised.

Alfred scoffed bitterly. “Hardly. Lovino and I knew it would be bad, so we had this plan to tell them when we were in college, but my mom started interrogating me about a fucking prom date of all things. Then they asked me if I was gay, and I told them. We got in this huge fight, and my dad ended up punching in the eye, right here.” Alfred pointed to the bruise that had faded away a couple weeks ago. He ignored the horrified looks on their faces and continued. “They kicked me out of the house, and I’ve been living with Lovino for the past few weeks. I haven’t heard from my parents, and I probably never will again. Lovino’s dad was an asshole when my mom told him about us, so his parents are getting a divorce. Lovino’s mom didn’t want to put up with people treating her kids like that.”

Arthur took a sip of the tea that had been sitting in front of him. “The last time I spoke to my father, he called me a buggering poofter, but I broke his jaw, so on the whole, I believe I got the better of him in that conversation. I haven’t spoken to him since.” He was strangely calm when he recounted this incident.

“My dad called me a bunch of names. Faggot, sodomite, whatever he could think of. But Mattie broke his nose for me. He’s a good brother.”

“Reminds me a bit of Shawn,” Mr. Kirkland said. “He was always good to me. Still sends me a Christmas card every year. He came by to visit last week.”

Francis put an arm around Mr. Kirkland. “Mon lapin has been through a difficult time of his own recently.”

“Does this have anything to do with why you’re between jobs right now?” Alfred asked worriedly.

Mr. Kirkland nodded and shrank in on himself, like he was ashamed. “A few months ago, there was a student. He was being bullied, for similar reasons you were. He had a crush on another boy, and his classmates weren’t kind about it. But unlike you, he told me the names of the classmates who were tormenting him.”

“What happened?”

“At first, I believed things were going well. I reported everything to the principal, and she supported me. The bullies were disciplined, if not as strongly as I believed they should be. But then the parents raised a stink. Including the parents of the boy who came to me for help.”

Francis had a disgusted scowl on his face. “They baselessly accused Arthur of grooming a child. Because he was gay. As if homosexuality is the same thing as pedophilia. Arthur would never hurt a child.”

“No. Please don’t tell me the principal believed that bullshit!”

Arthur sighed. “She didn’t. The parents had no proof. All they had proof of was the fact I went out on a date with the man I’ve been with since college. I was discreet about my private life, but I didn’t make a secret of the fact I was gay. No one I worked with cared, or at least I thought they didn’t. But one of the parents raising a stink had a prominent position on the school board, and the principal didn’t want to deal with the complications if she publicly accused me of hurting a child. I was forced out of my job, all because I was _doing my job_. I only wanted to protect that boy, but they wouldn’t let me.”

“That’s a horrible story, Mr. Kirkland. I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll be able to teach again, if not at that school, then somewhere else. You helped so many of your students, not just me or that boy. Kiku, when you stopped that girl from picking on him because of his accent. My brother Matthew, when you paid attention to him when other teachers wouldn’t because he’s quiet and shy compared to me. You’re the exact kind of person who should be teaching kids, because you actually care about what happens to them. It’s more than just a job to you. I can tell.”

“Thank you, Alfred. After everything those arseholes put me through, it means a lot to hear you say that.”

“We’re thinking of moving to another state,” Francis said. “One with stronger employment protections, where a teacher can’t be fired simply for his sexual orientation.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Alfred agreed. He’d probably have to look into that himself, once he had a career, rather than a part-time job he could easily replace.

“It will take a while. I’d have to get certified to teach in a new state, and of course, I can’t leave Francis here with his restaurant. That would be bloody insane.”

Alfred grinned at him. “Of course not.”

Francis fondly stroked the shell of Mr. Kirkland’s ear. He seemed to have forgotten that Alfred was sitting right across from them. “I was thinking of expanding anyway. Jeanne is capable of handling things here. But for now, I should probably get back to work. I’m assuming you want the usual, mon ange?”

Mr. Kirkland nodded. “The usual’s fine.”

He turned to Alfred. “And for you?”

Alfred smiled awkwardly. “Can I get a menu? I didn’t get a chance to actually look at what you guys serve here.”

“Of course. I will be right back with a menu.”

A minute later, Francis returned with a menu, and Alfred ordered a café au lait along with a chocolate éclair. Alfred’s order was brought out, along with Mr. Kirkland’s mille-feuille and an additional cup of tea, and Alfred talked to his teacher about more pleasant topics like what he was planning to major in for college and what he was planning to do this summer. Mr. Kirkland had been working on a novel on and off for several years, and he had gotten enough time to complete it after being let go from his teaching job. He had sent it out to a few publishing companies, but he hadn’t heard anything back yet.

Before he left, Alfred invited Mr. Kirkland to attend his high school graduation. Mr. Kirkland promised to be there, along with Francis.

“You can call me Arthur, by the way. You’re nearly an adult now, and I’d like to think we’re friends.”

“We’re friends, but it’s gonna take a while for me to get used to calling you by your first name.” Just like he wasn’t quite used to thinking of Lovino’s mom as Teresa rather than Mrs. Vargas.

Arthur nodded in understanding. “You’ll get there, Alfie. See you soon.”

Alfred shook his former teacher’s hand, and he left the café in a content state of mind, feeling like he’d tied up a few loose ends.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helen is fem! Greece, and there's a one line mention of Japan/fem! Greece in this chapter, along with the RoChu mentioned last chapter.

When Alfred was handed his diploma, neither of his parents were there. But his Aunt Megan and his Uncle Doug were, and so were Arthur and Francis. Combined with them, Lovino’s mother, Lovino’s grandfather, Antonio, Gilbert, Erika’s older brother, and the parents of his other friends, Alfred had a pretty large (and loud) cheering section. Lovino did too.

At college, Lovino and Alfred lived in the dorms together, just like they had planned. One of the dorm beds remained completely unused. A dorm bed was cramped compared to what they were used to at home, but Lovino and Alfred didn’t want to spend a night without each other, now that they no longer had to.

They were completely open about their relationship at college, just like they had planned to be. A few people made stupid comments, but they were easily ignored, and those stupid comments were less severe and happened with less frequency than the bullshit they had to put up with in high school. Mostly, they were drowned in a wave of support. Alfred and Lovino both became actively involved in their university’s LGBT student union to help support students like them, and Alfred reconnected with Aleks (who had changed their name from Feliks to something more gender neutral that would better reflect their nonbinary identity). Aleks was still with their boyfriend Tolys, and Alfred and Lovino got to know him as well.

They alternately spent school holidays with Lovino’s mom or Alfred’s Aunt Megan and Uncle Doug in San Diego. Alfred’s aunt and uncle had stepped into the parental role Alfred’s biological parents had abandoned the day he came out to them. Matthew and Katya had gone to college together in Ontario, but Alfred spoke to his brother regularly over the phone. Lovino also stayed in touch with Feliciano and Marcello.

After several delays, Alfred’s father was tried for child abuse the summer after Alfred’s freshman year. Matthew and Alfred were there to testify about what happened that night, and Alfred’s father was convicted. He was given a light sentence, something everyone in Alfred’s life complained heavily about, but Alfred honestly didn’t care by that point. As long as he never had to deal with his father or mother again, Alfred was fine.

Lovino’s father accepted the divorce, and he paid Teresa alimony as required. Lovino’s grandfather spoke to Angelo sometimes in the hope his son would eventually grow up, but no one else who stayed in contact with Lovino bothered with him.

By coincidence, Arthur got a teaching job in the same city Alfred and Lovino went to college. Francis opened a second Café Bonnefoy near the college, and Jeanne ran the original one. Francis’s café did well with hungry college students, and Alfred had a standing appointment to see him and Arthur on a weekly basis.

Lovino still went to mass. From what he said to Alfred, it seemed like something he did more out of familial obligation than a particular ideological commitment to Catholicism. Alfred went with him on major holidays, but he typically slept in on Sunday mornings. After all of the spiritual abuse he’d endured as he was growing up, Alfred was uncomfortable with organized religion. Part of him still believed in God, and he prayed occasionally, but that was it. He knew he had other options than his former church, like the liberal Protestant denominations that offered services Gilbert, Ludwig, and Arthur attended, but Alfred didn’t feel inclined to go. Maybe he would, someday.

When Lovino left for mass in the mornings, he’d wake up a groggy Alfred with three kisses goodbye, one on the right cheek, one on the left, and then one on the lips. Lovino went to confession, but he explained to Alfred he confessed to things he could repent for, like taking the Lord’s name in vain. He didn’t confess to anything involving his relationship with Alfred, because he wasn’t _sorry_ for anything involving his relationship with Alfred. He wouldn’t apologize for loving another man and the intimate moments they shared, not even to God. If he went to hell for being happy here on Earth, so be it.

After two years of living in the dorms, Alfred and Lovino moved into their own one-bedroom apartment. It was bigger than the dorm, and it had enough room to fit a bed two grown men could comfortably share. They had a kitchen big enough for Lovino to easily move around in as he did the cooking, and an automatic dishwasher that made it easier for Alfred to do the cleaning. They had a futon they cuddled on to watch television, and the walls were decorated in a mix of space and movie posters (Alfred’s) and paintings Feliciano sent them. Lovino had also majored in art, but he preferred to sculpt, and the shelves were decorated with the assignments he had done for his classes.

Alfred and Lovino’s life in college was not perfect, because no one’s life is. Alfred’s aunt and uncle had their own children to support, and Lovino’s mom could barely afford to put him through college, much less Alfred and Matthew, so money was often tight. Some people were still shitheads about people being gay, and Alfred and Lovino often despaired the state of the world, if not the world closest to them. They had the ordinary stressors of college life to contend with, like difficult classes and rigorous exams. Sometimes, all the stress would get to them, and they would argue, but it was never a serious fight they couldn’t get over after they had a day or two to cool down. They always made up, and the makeup sex was so passionate that it made the arguments worth it. Their life may not have been perfect, but together, they were as perfect as two people could be. After experiencing a perfectly imperfect life with Lovino, Alfred knew, now more than ever, that he wanted them to stay together forever.

Alfred had wanted to marry Lovino since his sixth birthday, but he had to wait until he was twenty-one to legally buy a bottle of champagne. Since he knew nothing about wine, Alfred had consulted with Francis, who was able to advise Alfred on how to pick a good bottle of champagne that he could afford on his restricted budget. (Technically, he bought a bottle of “sparkling wine,” but that was an irrelevant detail).

He timed the proposal to occur on the anniversary of the day they had officially gotten together in eleventh grade. Lovino conveniently had a heavy day of classes, so Alfred was able to buy the bottle of champagne Francis had recommended, swing by the grocery store to pick up a package of Ring Pops, and return home with thirty minutes to spare. Per Francis’s instructions, Alfred set the bottle of champagne to chill in an ice bucket, and then he wrapped himself in a bedsheet toga style, used a pillowcase as a makeshift veil, and kneeled in front of their futon. Alfred couldn’t afford a real ring, but he was holding out a strawberry Ring Pop, and strawberry Ring Pops were Lovino’s favorite.

Right as Alfred’s knee was starting to ache and he was questioning if he should have gotten an African violet (or ideally, a real ring, but that was much more expensive than a small houseplant), he heard the creaky outdoor elevator transporting someone up to the third floor. By the time a set of keys jangled in the lock, Alfred was sweating bullets. He smiled anxiously as Lovino stepped into the apartment.

Lovino nearly stumbled backwards in shock. “Al, you’re in a bedsheet. You’re down on one knee holding out a Ring Pop.” He sounded like he didn’t believe the words he was saying.

“Strawberry. It’s your favorite. That’s what I told Antonio when he married us the first time. I promise I’ll get you a real ring later.”

Lovino’s eyes were watering, but they were shining not just with tears, but with _hope_. He had an enormous grin on his face as he kneeled down on the floor in front of Alfred. “You’re asking me to marry you, aren’t you?”

Alfred nodded urgently. “I’ve wanted to marry you for fifteen years, so I figured it’s time to ask you officially. I love you. I want to be your husband. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Lovino’s head bobbed up and down rapidly. “Yes. God, just…” He leaned in to kiss Alfred square on the mouth, cupping his face with shaking hands. “Yes.”

“Yes?”

Lovino narrowed his eyes. “I’ll repeat it a hundred times until you believe me, idiota.”

Alfred giggled. “I believe you. Give me your hand.”

Lovino held his left hand out obediently, and Alfred put the strawberry Ring Pop on his ring finger. The ‘I’m engaged to Alfred, and I’m going to marry him’ finger.

“You’re staring at my hand really intensely,” Lovino noted.

“It’s a good hand, and it’s worth staring at.” Alfred ran his hand over the back of Lovino’s knuckles and looked up into his eyes. “The rest of you is worth staring at too.”

Lovino’s cheeks were dusted with red. “Sap.”

“Only for you,” Alfred said in a sing-song tone. “But I’ve been kneeling like this on a hardwood floor for almost thirty minutes, and my knee is killing me. I’m gonna go get the champagne.”

Lovino chuckled at Alfred as he got up and took a seat on the futon. “You got champagne for this?”

“I was hoping you’d say yes and we’d have something to celebrate. Francis recommended this brand, so it should be good.”

Alfred carefully (and again, per Francis’s instructions) popped the cork, and luckily the sparkling wine didn’t spill out of the bottle. Alfred poured two glasses of champagne and returned to the room.

Lovino smirked at him. “You look ridiculous in that get-up.”

“You still look just as handsome as you did the first time I married you.”

“Keep saying things like that, and I’ll rip that wedding dress right off you.” His tone was joking, but there was a hint of lust in Lovino’s eyes as his gaze traveled up and down Alfred’s body.

Alfred slid onto the futon next to his fiancé (and wow, wasn’t that cool, he could call Lovino his fiancé now) and handed a glass of champagne to him. “I think we should make a toast first. To us.”

Lovino clinked his champagne glass against Alfred’s. “To us.” He took a sip of his drink and made a pleased face afterwards. “To bedsheet wedding dresses, Ring Pops, and two dumb kids who refused to let each other go.”

Alfred sipped at his champagne and enjoyed the pleasant, bubbly taste. Francis had given a good recommendation. “To the best thing that ever happened to me,” he replied.

* * *

Alfred and Lovino fit wedding planning into their senior year of college. After graduation, they were prepared to embark on a ceremony that would be strangely similar to the one they had when they were first graders.

After registering as a minister under the Universal Life Church, Antonio would be officiating. Matthew and Feliciano would be their best men, just like they were the first time. But they would be getting married on a scenic Massachusetts beach at sunset (thanks to the generous help of Francis’s wealthy cousin, who _owned_ the stretch of private beach) rather than in Mrs. Vargas’s living room. Their ceremony wouldn’t be the Catholic ritual Antonio had attempted in abbreviated form since the Catholic Church didn’t recognize same-sex marriages, but that was fine with both of them. A Catholic ceremony was more formal than what either of them wanted, but Lovino considered tuxedos non-negotiable, even if they would be on a beach. Alfred was able to talk him into wearing sandals for the ceremony, but Lovino insisted that they be _nice_ sandals.

In addition to their best men and their wedding officiant, everyone who mattered was there. Katya, Ivan, Natalya, and the parents who had been so welcoming to Alfred during the time he had been forced to pretend to date their younger daughter. Ivan’s boyfriend Yao, and Natalya’s girlfriend Erika, along with her older brother. Marcello, Teresa, and Lovino’s grandfather, who was getting on in years but well enough not only to attend the ceremony but beam from the front row. Mei, who Alfred had avoided kissing during seven minutes in heaven, and her girlfriend Liên. Kiku along with his girlfriend Helen, whom he had met when she fell asleep next to him in a philosophy class he took in his junior year of college. Tolys and Aleks (who was wearing a fabulous pink dress many of the women envied). Ludwig, Gilbert, Erzsébet, and Sophie (who at six years old was the perfect age to be a flower girl). Arthur, Francis, and Francis’s cousin Nicolette, who offered them her beach for the ceremony and her villa for the reception at a discounted rate. Aunt Megan and Uncle Doug would be walking Alfred down the aisle.

Two weeks after they graduated from college, Alfred walked down a beach towards the love of his life holding a single African violet in an elegantly designed pot. Lovino doubled over in laughter, and Marcello (one of his groomsmen) had to catch Lovino to prevent him from falling over.

Whether laughing hysterically or nervous as hell, Lovino was the most beautiful person Alfred had ever seen. He didn’t know how he’d wait until the end of the ceremony to kiss him.

Alfred handed his “bouquet” to an amused Matthew, and Lovino eventually managed to calm down enough to stand upright without Marcello’s assistance. Alfred clasped Lovino’s hands within his own and smiled.

“Shall we begin?” Antonio asked.

Alfred took his eyes off of Lovino only long enough to nod at Antonio, and then he gazed back at his handsome groom and sighed blissfully.

“Welcome, friends, family, and loved ones. Today, we are gathered together to celebrate the love between Alfred F. Jones and Lovino Vargas and to witness as they unite in the glorious bond of marriage.”

The other words Antonio said passed in a blur. Because they were beautiful, wonderful words Antonio had chosen with their consultation, but they were also just words. The real marriage was present in the hands squeezing his own, and in those hazel eyes that were squinting a little in the sunlight but couldn’t stop smiling at him. It was in that giddy, excited feeling in Alfred’s stomach that made him want to bounce up and down in his fancy sandals. It was where it had always been, in their hearts, before they had the words to say it, before they had known it was okay to feel this way, when they were little kids and long before any state in the union had legally recognized the marriage of two men.

After what seemed like a ridiculously long amount of time, Antonio got to the vows portion of the ceremony. Alfred was supposed to go first. He didn’t read from notecards, repeat what Antonio said to him, or say something he had memorized ahead of time. He simply said what was in his heart.

“Lovino, where do I start? I’ve wanted to marry you since my sixth birthday when you kissed me goodbye on both cheeks because that’s how you say goodbye to your best friend where you’re from. I’ve been waiting for you and the rest of the world to catch up with me.”

Lovino chuckled, and there were some coos and laughter from their audience.

“But to get serious for a sec, I’ve been in love with you for a long time. For a really, really long time. I wanted to marry you before I knew what a marriage truly was because you were my best friend and made my stomach feel weird and fluttery, but every day since we’ve been together, you’ve given me new reasons to want to marry you.”

Alfred paused and drew in a deep breath, staring at Lovino’s hands. “Right after I proposed to you, you told me I was staring at your hand intensely. I said something cheesy about it being a good hand to stare at, but I think I was remembering the first time I put a strawberry Ring Pop on your left hand. Your hands were different than they are today. They were a lot smaller, a lot clammier, a little less calloused. But your hands are still the only hands I want to hold, in good times and in bad. And that’s not just some line, because we went through some really bad times, especially as we were growing up. The people here know what I’m talking about.”

Lovino was crying from elation as Alfred looked up at him, but Alfred wasn’t finished yet.

“Lovino, I still love you. I still want to marry you. I still think you’re prettier than a Disney princess, and I still don’t know how I’m going to get through this entire ceremony without kissing you.”

“Impatient idiot,” Lovino sobbed while their audience laughed. He suddenly clenched Alfred’s tuxedo jacket, leaned up, and kissed Alfred hard on the mouth. Some of the people who were watching made confused noises. Alfred was surprised too, but he eagerly returned the kiss once he got over the shock.

“Well, folks, I guess Alfred isn’t gonna have to worry about that anymore,” Antonio joked.

Lovino pulled away and blushed in embarrassment at the fact that he’d been the impatient one. Alfred smiled down at him fondly. Lovino nodded to himself, took Alfred’s hand again, then looked straight into his eyes before he began.

“Alfredo, the first time I saw you was in kindergarten. You ran straight into a kid three years older than you and did a horribly accurate imitation of Tarzan. And I thought, what is this idiota doing?”

Alfred snorted while some other people laughed. He couldn’t blame Lovino for thinking that.

“But then we got stuck in timeout together. You said my name was cool, asked to be my best friend, and offered to give me a juice box the next day. And that was when I realized that you were _my_ idiota and always would be.”

Alfred grinned. He delighted in the possessive tone in Lovino’s voice.

“You do a lot of stupid things that make me react in really irritating ways. You make me blush like a tomato, kiss you in the middle of a wedding ceremony, laugh so hard I’m about to fall over, and cry because I’m so goddamn happy. You make me love you, damn it!”

“You’re adorable, Lovi,” Alfred whispered softly. True to form, Lovino blushed like a tomato.

Lovino glared at him. “Shut up, idiota! I’m not done yet. As I was saying, you make me love you. You’ve been making me love you since we were little kids. You’ve been making me love you since before I had the words to say it, and then you made me love when I didn’t think it was okay for me to say it. Now that I know it’s okay, I’m gonna keep saying it until the day I die, sometimes in Italian. Ti amo moltissimo, Alfredo. Sempre e per sempre.”

Alfred rubbed the sides of Lovino’s hands with his thumbs. There was something very sweet about the fact Lovino had chosen a simpler phrase to express himself, something he knew Alfred and most of their audience would understand. He got flustered when expressing the full sappy depths of his feelings, but he wasn’t hiding anything behind the pretense of a foreign language.

“The day we met in kindergarten, you ran at the bully because you were trying to protect your brother, but I think you were trying to protect me too. My whole life, you’ve been protecting me and taking care of me. On the first day of eleventh grade, you followed me out to a soccer field because I was upset and you wanted to take care of me like you always had. You may not have meant to take care of me when you told me you loved me, but you did. Because you were brave enough to say that, I got to say it back, and I got to be lucky enough to stand here with you today.”

Alfred’s eyes watered. Lovino really saw it that way? If anything, he was the lucky one.

“Now we’re getting married, and I’m going to spend the rest of my days trying to protect you and take care of you just like you’ve taken care of me. Because you’re my idiota, and in a few minutes you’re going to be my husband.”

Lovino sniffled as he finished up his speech. “I love you, Alfredo. And I still think you look really cute in the glasses, just like I did when I was eight years old.”

“Not as cute as you,” Alfred whispered. Lovino huffed out a quiet laugh.

The next part was the exchange of rings. Alfred giggled as he slid the gold band onto Lovino’s finger.

“Sorry it isn’t strawberry,” he joked. “I know that one’s your favorite.”

Lovino shook his head and slid a matching ring onto Alfred’s hand. “You better not take this off. Even if it isn’t blue raspberry.”

“I won’t,” Alfred promised sincerely. Lovino had eaten the strawberry candy shortly after Alfred proposed to him, but he hadn’t taken off the plastic bit until today. It was cute how sentimental Lovino had been about his engagement ring, even if it wasn’t something most people would have willingly worn on their finger for more than a day, much less several months.

After some concluding remarks Alfred couldn’t hear over the ecstatic thumping of his own heartbeat, Antonio told Alfred and Lovino that they could kiss their husband.

Alfred slid his arms around Lovino’s waist and kissed him in the most romantic way possible. After ensuring Lovino’s arms were securely around his neck, he even dipped him backwards a little. Their audience cheered and whistled appreciatively.

After pulling Lovino back up into a standing position and ending the kiss, Lovino straightened his tuxedo jacket and spoke quietly enough that only Alfred could hear him. “At this rate, I’ll end up mauling you in the middle of the reception.”

Alfred wiggled his eyebrows playfully. “Oh, I’m counting on it.”

“Idiota,” Lovino said fondly, slipping his hand into Alfred’s again. “Come on, let’s go get our pictures taken.”

Alfred walked back down the aisle, holding the only hand he ever wanted to hold, and he and his new husband posed for photos with their wedding photographer as their guests enjoyed the cocktail hour inside Nicolette’s lovely villa.

After photos were done, they entered the reception hall to cheers and applause. For their first dance, they had considered a number of choices, but in the end, they had always come back to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” by The Beach Boys. It was the perfect song for them, and not just because of the time Alfred had inadvertently quoted one of the lines at Lovino. It was about two young people who just wanted to be together (gender unspecified), or as Lovino might have more less romantically put it, “two dumb kids who refused to let each other go.” There was no other song that was a better fit for their journey. They twirled around the dance floor in a way that wasn’t choreographed, but synchronized well enough that they never stepped on each other’s feet. Both of them had delirious, exhilarated grins on their face the entire time.

After the end of the song, as they walked off to their table at the front of the room, Alfred leaned down to whisper in Lovino’s ear. “I think Mattie was right.”

“What was he so right about?”

“On my sixth birthday, he told me if I prayed really hard, I might get to marry you someday. I wished and hoped and prayed, and it finally came true.”

Lovino kissed his cheek. “It just came true for me too, tesoro.”

Alfred and Lovino’s story didn’t end here. Not with the first dance, nor with the rest of the wedding reception. It was only the beginning.


End file.
